How to deal with needy MIL

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Wasn't sure what to title this thread as I feel like I don't want it to come off as negative or bashing. I love my MIL very much and on the whole we all have a good relationship. She has been through some difficult times in the last year which I appreciate but I've reached the point where I feel like I need to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt and straighten things out.
The main issues are around the constant messaging. It's generally wanting something so asking me to go over at weekends (DH sees her 2-3 times a week, takes her shopping, sees the DCs etc), asking me to get DH to do (more) things for her. None of which sound like a big deal I understand but it's the methods of manipulation. She will lie about conversations with DH she will say he is nasty to her (untrue he just isnt as easily manipulated as I am). Pages and pages of texts about needing DH and if we ever say no it turns to ok forget about me I won't see you again I'll get someone else to take me (plenty of people that can btw).
Recently she has made some comments about the DCs needing to be with her. This morning it's a cryptic text about needing a doctor.
I know she comes to me as I'll reply as I'll speak to DH, who then tells me he has already spoken to her about the subject.
We have told her to stop the big long messages and ask if she wants something. I've said I won't be a go between but she denies that I am. She won't talk about it, goes quiet for a bit then starts up again.
She also bad mouths DH and tells me not to tell him, but I do as it's unfair and untrue. He confronts her she clams up then it all starts again.
I feel that I need to do something I'm just not sure what that is, short of ignoring her. Is that what I should do? I've tried staying out of it but I always get dragged in. Any advice welcome.

Unfortunately it is not just a question of trying to straighten things out; you are really dealing with someone who is not emotionally healthy at all and thus the "normal" rules do not apply.

I guess you come from an emotionally healthy family where this sort of power games and emotional manipulation is thankfully unknown. Your DH was not so lucky.

You do not mention a FIL; is he still around?.

Such people as well can often pull the health card for a previously unknown healthy problem; its another way of getting attention from the two of you which is what she wants.

She is not at all nice and you do not share a good relationship (its really all on her terms and is all about her and what she wants). She is manipulating you in particular because you have been nice to date and she regards that as weakness.

The person who should really be dealing with his mother here is your DH solely and with your full backing. After all he has had a lifetime of such conditioning at her hands. I think it would also be beneficial for you to raise your boundaries a lot higher than they have been with regards to his mother. I would consider now blocking her number from your mobile phone.

Do you not think that he actually seeing her 2-3 times per week is somewhat excessive anyway?.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

You would not tolerate this from a friend; his mother is no different.

Thanks for your reply. You are right in that I haven't dealt with such a manipulative relationship before an. it took me a long time to realise I was being a puppet.
FIL is sadly not with us and DH has provided her further support since then, which he is happy to do. She lives nearby and it's not a problem to drop in milk when I'm the school run for example. Nothing he does is ever enough. I've heard a few sob stories from her about other people over the years and now I realise they may well not be true. I can et we are the subject of being horrible to her currently.
I won't block her I have no wish To cut all contact but I'll defer absolutely everything to DH and not reply to the texts

Such manipulation is actually not untypical from emotionally unhealthy relatives. When you have not come across it before (hence me asking) it is very hard to deal with.

Your MIL cannot and must not rely on the two of you solely; she needs to make a life for herself without the two of you being at her beck and call. Unfortunately for you she will not readily or even at all want to do that so you have to raise your own boundaries a lot higher than before. You can do that as well by supporting your DH and presenting to his mother a totally united front.

I would also think she can and does find all sorts of stuff both real and imaginary to complain about. Its like air to her. Whatever you do is not enough; the goalposts are always moved about.

Look at her wider social circle; does she have friends?. Probably not and there is good reason why if that is indeed the case. Does she get on with other family or have they all fallen out with her over the years as well?.

If you still want to maintain some contact with her scheduled, predictable contacts work best. A call once or twice a week on a schedule will be needed. If you are upset with her behaviour, don’t punish her by not calling — that only increases her complaints.

Keep in mind that despite her neediness — the mother-in-law is mean-spirited in her behaviour. She uses guilt in a mean-spirited manner to make you and your husband feel miserable. She actually feels entitled to make you miserable if you don’t provide what she needs — a very mean-spirited approach to a relationship.

Consider reading the book I wrote of as well.

oh boy, I would leave it so long to respond to each text that it is ok to respond with something that doesn't refer to her specific message.

She sounds very hard work.

She has plenty of other friends in fact she has a great support network, but I suspect they have also been manipulated. To a certain extent I put up with it as it didn't bother me that much, give her a bit of attention no loss to me sort of thing. It's as time has gone on and it's just draining me now. And yes many other people have 'done her wrong'. I get sucked in when she says stuff about DH today he is blocking her calls, he's not he just hasn't ran to her whim. Unlike me! Not any longer. I'd like to think it's a blip and she will change but I doubt it.

She wont change as she doesn't see herself as doing any wrong. She see's herself as the victim.

I would ask her to stop texting you and to call DH if something is wrong.

You and DH are passing the mil hot potato (the only way I can explain it) - throw her to him and let him get burnt fingers - let him have all contact with her. Take a step back for a bit.

The trouble with just going along with it (although I know how these things can be drifted into) is that you can end up pleasing and placating your MIL on your dh's behalf. For your dh, who must be weary but is very deeply conditioned, it's easier to let you do this than confront her - or even cut off contact with her - himself.

Like you, I doubt she will change. In fact, this is likely to get much worse, as she will get older and more needy. If you don't step back and refuse to pander to her now, then this is as independent as she's ever going to get.

It isn't your responsibility. Don't get sucked in and don't let your dh - however good his intentions - hide behind you.

I think I would reply to her texts with 'DH will be round on thur (or whenever) as usual, discuss it with him then, got to go, bit busy today' unless it is a simple request like can you drop milk in on school run.

I know she comes to me as I'll reply as I'll speak to DH...I've said I won't be a go between

and yet you are! So interrupt your own role in this dysfunctional dance, and change it. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her.

She is playing the poor-me card. Victims want someone to swoop in and rescue them. So: place the responsibility back with her:

"Gee that's too bad. What are you going to do about it?"
"Sorry to hear that. How are you going to sort it out?"
"Sorry to hear you're feeling poorly. Let us know how you get on with the doctor!"

Etc.

She can only keep playing the victim if you let her. Keep showing her that she's in charge of her own problems.

Thanks for the advice everyone you re of course right. I've tried with the texts along the lines of speak to DH and he keeps on at me but I'll not reply. I will tell her not to text and call DH if required

Maybe you could get her doing online shopping, theres no need for you to have to do her shopping for her these days. I like the idea of getting her to take responsibility herself, sounds good. Emotional blackmail from MIL is rubbish, me and my DH are suffering from this terribly. I feel your pain! Just so exasperating and frustrating and upsetting and annoying. I asked my PIL to get a survey done on a their 2nd home they were going to renovate for us as it had been empty for decades, lots of water damage etc but they refused, got angry, they played the victim and were 'shocked' and 'hurt' that I didn't trust them despite fact they are not surveyors\builders and when my DS and us were going to stay with them I asked them if I could remove the drawing pins in his bed frame (he was 2 at the time so still putting abythibg \everything in his mouth, for some unknown reason they had colourful drawing pins in the bed slats holding down pillowcases that were there to protect the mattress, wtf?!? We discovered this when we lifted up the mattress to check no screws loose etc) and they refused, got aggressive with me, but they are the victim because at short notice we cancelled staying with them. They criticise my parenting, refuse to do what i ask with my DH when we are with them eg could you pass him a drink and along with the other stuff I don't trust them to have my DS unattended but of course I am awful for not letting them babysit him, poor them, 'not right' apparently. We hardly see them now because of this and when I told MIL I was pregnant after an awful loss last year her first response was to cry because she wouldn't see the baby much. Never had an apology from them, it is all our fault. And I have agreed they can come see us at our house as an alternative to going NC, if they don't criticise my parenting\kick off at us\are supervised with DS always, and I am dreading it. I wont go to their house anymore as they seem worse in their own home and i have had enough, so my DH has been taking our DS to see them at theirs but this, i realise now, is just playing into their hands. Tbh I might have to say they can't come round till I am no longer pregnant unless they show remorse\ubderstanding because I can't deal with their anger and emotional blackmail whilst pregnant but the down side is my DH and DS won't see them and this of course, from their perspective, is all my fault, poor them. Stick to your guns and resist the emotional blackmail if you can, good luck!

The first thing I'd tackle is bad mouthing my DH to me. He may be her son but he's your husband.

Tell her firmly and repeatedly if necessary "If you have a problem with DH you must speak to him about it. You're out of order talking behind his back and bad mouthing him to me"
She needs to learn that you won't stand for it and even that small thing in itself will be a step to stopping her divide and conquer attitude.

I'm wondering if your MIL has a mental health problem, emotionally distressed rather than emotionally manipulative. What age is she and how long has she been behaving in this needy way? I assume it can't have been that long as you wouldn't "love her" and have had a good relationship with her. Could she be suffering from depression or anxiety, or even the beginning of dementia?

I know everyone is urging you to resist the emotional blackmail and I can see that's how it looks, but it might be something different. Have you noticed any changes in her memory or general demeanour - is she looking after herself and the house as she always has in the past. Dementia can very often start with feelings that people are against them (my aunt who had dementia and who I had a close relationship with) started telling people I was stealing from her!

Can you talk to other relatives or her friends to see if they have noticed anything - it can come on very slowly and there can be periods when the person is free from symptoms. If you are concerned maybe get her to see her GP and go with her for support.

I realise I might be completely wrong but I thought it worthy of consideration.

I would have no concerns re dementia or the like. Otherwise very capable etc no other changes. I would agree with emotional distress as there have been some stressful times recently , the way to work through these is not lying however. I can't stand lies in order to manipulate situations. I think the personally type has always been there, DH certainly says it has. I've just not been in the firing line so to speak so I haven't really noticed. Its a hard line to draw between genuinely needing help and support and wanting someone to do everything for you. It's been really helpful hearing what others have to say. I'll keep distance for a while (various family significant events coming up so whilst hard a good opportunity to stand firm)

I think you have to leave it to your DH-stop triangulating. You and he have to be united and in communication because the sooner she realises she can't play one off against the other at least some of the current manipulation is likely to stop.