Is this normal re sex in relationship

[LookARandomName]

Okay, I may well get flamed here.

First off, I'm a man, married to a woman. We've been together ages (in our thirties) with a small child.

Basically, my wife has very little interest for sex. She's admitted that to me, and that she has for a while, and basically she only has sex to please me.

She does enjoy it when we have it, and more or less just needs to "get into it", but doesn't have that initial feeling very often of "you know, I quite fancy some sex right now" (though she does get it occasionally). She does say she is attracted to me but, as I say, doesn't get that particular initial feeling.

Part of me has now rationalised this as "well, if she enjoys it and is happy with it, as well as happy with it making me happy, then there's no real problem". That's the part my wife subscribes to, I think.

But then there is another part (and I don't have a lot of self-confidence) which says she's only doing it out of pity, that if she's like this then she should just bugger off and find someone she likes doing.

As I say, not a lot of self-confidence.

She does also have some confidence issues, which I'd like to help work out. Unfortunately, as I'd imagine a lot of men, I can also get a bit miserable (I'd term it more as being silent) if I feel neglected for a few weeks. I don't start fights or anything, but I term it more as feeling as if I'm walking on eggshells.

Other aspects of our relationship are fine - we both pitch in around the house, help each other out and so on. I have no real problem with the frequency of sex, which is about 2/3 times a month (she says it would be more like a constant once a week but she gets very heavy periods).

But there is a part of me - more of a fundamental part - which says if she doesn't desire sex initially then she doesn't desire me, and that there's something wrong. My brain basically flits between calling it "pity sex" and her "prostituting herself out to me".

So basically, I think I'd term this up more as "what should I be thinking?".

Boobz. Sounds like a plan. The pressure of feeling like constant 'prey' for want of a better word is so off putting.

Sounds like me. I don't have a huge sex drive and unless I'm already in the mood I don't randomly have an urge for sex, ever. And sometimes when I'm with someone and they start cuddling/kissing whatever, then I can clam up a bit and sort of go "noooo" because I don't want sex right then. It's taken me a while to just go with it in the moment and feel okay with just kissing and cuddling and seeing how I feel - and feeling okay with saying actually stop it there, I don't want to do any more. Related to this, if DH says or hints "Do you want sex?" I will almost always say no, because "right now" I'm reading, or washing up or on the computer or something. If he said "Do you want to go to bed and snuggle for 10 mins while talking, maybe kiss a bit and then do some foreplay and see where it goes?" then that would be closer to the question he's actually asking, and I'd probably think "Yes!" but I don't hear it that way. My brain interprets "Do you want sex" as "Bend over. Done." That's not because of anything he has ever done, said or expected! It's just a weird thing. But after we talked about it I realised that when he's asking or hinting for sex, I'm jumping ahead to the actual act and going what? No! I'm not ready OR interested! When really he's asking me if I'm up for the first stage, which is a cuddle, or a kiss! And usually I am very interested in and ready for those things.

So IME the best thing you can do is help her become comfortable with that kind of non sexual intimacy, without feeling like she has to go further. Kiss and cuddle without expecting anything. Stop her if she goes to automatically move things on, or give her a kiss/cuddle in a situation where sex is definitely not an option, so it's clear that's your only intention. Also, if you are okay with it, it might be worth trying to make sex a little bit one sided in her favour for a bit, to remind her of what is good about it.

With a two year old, she's probably tired and stressed too, so I expect things will improve when the DC are older. But communicating and lots of no-pressure intimacy really help.

I do want to add to Boobz' excellent and well thought out post that these things she's suggesting - the 3x sex every week, coming off contraception for example, I think these really need to be instigated by DW, not by OP. By all means have a discussion but anything which puts the focus on "We need to have sex at least X times" would be hugely offputting for me. IME it's about making sex fun again and remembering where the intimacy actually comes from.

Lots of posts like this where the question should not be "what can I do to get more sex?" but "what can I do to make her happier?"

When I was low libido my wife 'making me happier' did absolutely nothing. Why a person has a low libido can have many different reasons.

But if you want to bring happiness into it you should be able to recognise a self evident truth, that feeling undesired by the one you love, the one who once desired you, certainly makes one feel very unhappy, irrespective of the genders of the partners.

I think you are massively disregarding the hugely gendered nature of sex expectations, though, DadWasHere.

In any case I felt the original quoted comment was off the mark, because the OP does not read to me like "I'm not having enough sex, how can I get more?" but "I'm concerned that my wife isn't enjoying the sex that we have, how can I make sure I'm not exploiting her?" Totally different question and focus.

To answer your original question OP, I think low libido and infrequent sex during the 'young children' stage of life is so common that yeah, it is pretty normal. I'm similar to your DW - have an almost-two-year-old, a lovely husband I'm mad about but very little interest in sex at the moment. So I do have to make a definite effort to do it (about once a week on average), but it's in no way pity sex - I'm just as attracted to my husband as I ever was and have no desire to be with anyone else. And I do enjoy it once we get started.

There are lots of reasons for libido to be low at this stage - hormones and chronic tiredness are probably the big two. It's very unlikely to be something to do with you specifically. And I think it's likely to improve with time. Patience and good communication will go a long way.

Yes...feeling undesired does make you unhappy but if there was desire before what's changed? What's dampened that desire? Is it life stress,kids,body issues,resentment? I have a high libido and am currently in the same situation as ops wife...no desire. Op is wanting his wife to want him and initiate and there's a reason why she doesn't.that's what he needs to find out.

I am having a similar issue here.

Been with each other for 15 years, married early this year.

Have two beautiful children 5 and 2 who we adore.

I love my wife to bits, and she is my world. We are a great team. She works part time and I work full time from home, so always about to help out with the kids and homelife.

We had a great sex life when we first met (like many other couples im sure). We could of bought shares in Ann Summers with the amount we spent! :)

Soon after this and over the years it has been affected by numerous things. Such as family members falling out with each other, and her stuck in the middle. Also she suffers from IBS which has caused her to feel uncomfortable.

These things affected our sex life, as they got her down/uncomfortable, which I totally understood and have always been supportive.

After our first child ( a difficult labour), it took a while for her to have the confidence to make love again, but this did get a bit better and when we attempted for child number 2 we were having plenty.

After child 2, she required an op to repair a prolapsed bladder, thankfully she fully recovered and we began to test the water again with having sex.
I was always patient and let her guide herself in gaining her confidence back.

Sex was rare, but it built up her confidence that all was ok.

We got married earlier this year, and we had some nice foreplay and sex a couple of times on honeymoon.

My issue now is since the honeymoon, we have sex at the most once a month, some months not at all.

She insists that she loves me, and fancies me, which I do believe but she never instigates sex like she used to, and whenever i try to touch or kiss her, the majority of the time she flinches and moves away. In bed she doesn't like my touch as she wants to goto sleep and not be fussed.

We never have naked cuddles in bed anymore, even if i make it clear its not to have sex, just to feel my wife close to me.

She says she is paranoid about how she looks, but I think she looks stunning (and many of her male and female friends always comment on how good she looks). She loves getting glammed up to go out, and has confidence to wear revealing dresses.

When it comes to sex, (other than the honeymoon) I cant remember the last time we have had any foreplay. She doesn't want me to go down on her, and use my fingers on her (sorry if tmi).

She used to love going down on me, but that is off the cards as despite insisting she loves doing it, she asks 'whats in it for me?' I totally understand this as I would want to put a smile on her face too, but when all my attempts to get her off are given a rebuttal it can be really hard to know what to do.

Ive noticed over the last few years one issue is the amount of time she spends on social media. I think it is a huge distraction to our relationship, especially when it comes to sex.

Whenever the kids are down / away so we have some quiet time together, and ideal time for us to be close, I often get asked to leave her alone. Whenever the rare opportunity raises where we are both in a good mood to lead to something, she will get a message on her phone from a random friend that needs some advice.

Whenever I criticise her for this not spending quality time with me than looking at her phone, It often leads to her getting the hump and then not in the mood to chat.

This often leads to every so many weeks I end up getting really frustrated and despite my best efforts a bit humpy...which I don't like to be.

Sounds like she loves you, you love her, you respect each other and care for each other. She also enjoys having sex with you, but needs you to get her in the mood, first. Tbh, it doesn't sound abnormal to me. It's not pity sex if she actually enjoys it. It's not that you are not physically attractive to her if she says she finds you attractive. With someone with a low sex drive, if you can still get her to enjoy herself, then you are obviously doing something right! Her low sex drive could have multiple reasons, but it doesn't sound to me that any of them are likely to be you, OP.

Yes Bertie - in no way am I suggesting the OP goes to his wife with my 5 point plan and say "look we should do this!"... I had to come to the realisation on my own - and she may still be in that place where she doesn't WANT to try to change things... I don't know how to encourage her there... it was a bit of a lightening bulb moment for me and I don't really know what changed except he looked so sad when he talked about the flinching and sweeping away of hands because I was worried it meant we HAD to have sex...

Brunette you say "Op is wanting his wife to want him and initiate and there's a reason why she doesn't. That's what he needs to find out." - it really isn't as easy as that... that's exactly the question my DH asked me "you used to want to, what's changed?" and me trotting out children, being together for 10 years, full time jobs, bodies changing etc etc, sounds like a list of excuses, but there is no one thing which I think he could "find out" and then just change and then ta-da I'd have a high(er) libido again. I just wasn't fussed and would have stayed not fussed - what's changed now is that I am making an active decision to try and tackle things and get closer to each other again, without DH finding out what thing has changed and then fixing it... there really isn't any one thing.

I think being with the same person for 10, 20, 30+ years is just a little unimaginative as well (variety is the spice of life and all that!) and maybe being monogamous just isn't conducive to women (or indeed men) being up for it all the time (but I realise that is getting onto a whole other thread, maybe for another time....)

Boobz...It was more about opening up some communication with his wife to see if there was anything they could do. Things do get stale in long term relationships and boredom sets in easily especially with kids. Closeness means talking and it's a 2 way street...If my dp sat down and said "I feel like we're not as close as we were,how can we sort this? Shall we have some time away just us? " ...It would be more helpful than asking a forum of random (but knowledgable) women.
Can I ask,if you weren't fussed about changing what made you decide to do it?

TBH brunette is was 2 things - firstly, I could see that he was getting beaten down by this and was making unhappy rather than humpy about not getting enough, and secondly, I just wondered myself what had changed so much and wanted to rediscover that ripping clothes off feeling we had pre DC - we used to have sex 5-8 times a week! So curiosity as well I guess.