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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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To send MIL a threatening(ish) angry letter. Really angry letter.

56 replies

babarthefuckingelephant · 19/10/2015 02:03

Really really bloody angry.
I might not be posting in the right place and this has gone on a long time but basically my partner has recently been through a really really difficult time. He's had to move out of the family home (a mutual agreement whilst he gets better, we continue to function as a family), He's been diagnosed with a personality disorder and made quite a lot of serious suicide attempts including inpatient stays.
This has been apparently going on since he was a teenager and completely ignored by MIL, She is a very high earner, works from home, controls all the money so FIL DP and BIL maybe get £10 per week. She is extremely violent but comes across as if butter wouldn't melt. I was completely unaware of any of this for the first year of our relationship. When DP started to have suicidal thoughts again she would just ignore him and make him feel really guilty. He is mid (to late) 20s and has never even had his own mobile phone (lived on his own but she's that bad, He's only got one this year). She would have violent outbursts around me and our son and then lie to her partner (who she beats), she assaulted me and my son earlier this year quite publicly in the street and I mean forceful punching completely unprovoked which was all witnessed and reported to the police but I didn't press charges at the time because I was in such shock and confusion (I wasn't aware of all of the other things). I maybe still could. The whole pregnancy she told DP that I was probably cheating on him and the baby wouldn't be his, She stopped him from coming to the hospital or tried to anyway, she told him he had to stay at her house after the assault and banned him (mid to late 20s, professionals) from using the internet to connect with his family saying she turned it off to save money and from using the phone at all saying what if someone needed to call me? She wouldn't let him visit his newborn daughter and would get incredibly violent if he did but at this point DP was only just starting to open up about her so I didn't know much of it. He called her when he was really desperate asking if he could borrow some money and explaining he had tried to kill himself a few times and she said no, that she would love to but his dad wouldn't be happy about it (obviously his dad was out at the time she would never say that if he was there), She told him if he wanted any money at all he would have to go back and live with them and she wanted to meet his psychologist so the psychologist could persuade him to go back.

I wrote her a really well worded but obviously angry letter earlier tonight detailing in it everything she has done and every which way she has assaulted, abused and blackmailed us as a family (I do have proof of everything i wrote). I put what I thought about how upsetting it was for all of us and how no mother treats their child like that, that normal women don't have to beat their men to keep them there and that normal mothers don't have to abuse their children just to get by. That other people have probably noticed too as comments had been made to us when we moved out of our last house and that if she didn't leave us alone I will seek a court injunction and make sure people did know what she was like, that they aren't my secrets to keep and that I hope she can't sleep at night or look at herself in the mirror. I haven't sworn at all in it or called names or anything but its extremely emotional and angry and I really felt like i needed to just get it all out. But I also feel like a part of me needs to send it to her because I do want her to be worried people might find out, I do want her to know what sort of consequences she's brought on us. But can I legally? Dp says yes as he won't see or speak to them and its been that way for a while but she's nuts and she won't leave us alone. This is sort of my last move before going back to the police but i don't really know what to say to them. This will get me into trouble won't it? Ive never even had a speeding ticket what do i do?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/10/2015 06:24

Well he was "allowed" to leave the house to go to work etc., so presumably the whole social side of his life isn't as important to his mother as the financial side, I don't know.

Emmmder2015 · 19/10/2015 06:45

Another one saying definitely do not send.

Everything you describe is horrific and is in no way lessened because it's his mother being abusive rather than his father. I'd hasten a bet, in fact, that it's MORE disturbing to the developing child when it's the mother.

For you guys, DH sounds like he has help but you all need protection.

Is there a brother still living at home? If I've understood that correctly, how old is he? If he's a minor, I'd speak to social services (or someone else recommend who to call). Every single minute he's in that household is damaging him.

There's a book called Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward. It's aimed at daughters, however, having been abused, not to the extent of your DP, I think you and/or he would benefit from reading it. He can't see that she's been and is wrong because what she does his normal. The book has sentences of what people like this say and what caring mothers would do in the same situation and how it makes you feel growing up and believe yourself to be DIRECTLY because of the mother's behaviour. It's also written very sensitively, I found, which makes it a little easier to digest. It is hard, but without understanding HOW they're doing it (because it's not always so obvious as a punch), it's hard to break away from them without feeling absolutely horrific, crippling guilt. He needs to really understand that SHE is the problem.

The But We Took You To Stately Homes thread might be enlightening too.

Good luck to both of you.

Brioche201 · 19/10/2015 07:37

Opi think you need to explain the situation a bit more.the bits about his mother giving him £10 a week and not allowing him to have a phone are difficult to understand.is he living with her? Why can't he live with you? Is he an addict?

theycallmemellojello · 19/10/2015 07:41

Don't send - frankly it could put the people around her in danger. Just go to the police. What you have described needs to be reported and stopped.

Imgivinguponyou · 19/10/2015 07:50

I don't think you should send the letter.

I don't understand though how your dp can have a partner and children but his mother gives him £10 a week to live on and no mobile phone. Has he never lived with you?

It sounds a very unusual set up, presumably because of the abuse and your dp's mental illness?

MintyChops · 19/10/2015 07:50

Don't send it. Get a restraining order and cut her out of your lives.

ohtheholidays · 19/10/2015 08:04

Of course the Police would want to know OP.If you think your father in law can't stand upto her enough to report her please report what she's been doing to him as well and your BIL.They will listen to you and they will have to investigate and they have officers and detectives that are specially trained for domestic violence cases,so even if your BIL and FIL said there was nothing wrong they'd still take your statement seriously.

More than 2 men die every month because of domestic violence commited against them OP,please speak up for your DP,BIL and FIL!

chairmeoh · 19/10/2015 08:08

Don't send the letter. It won't change her behaviour, but will have repercussions for whoever is still living with her.
Go NC. Concentrate on you and DC, support DP while he gets (lots of) counselling.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 19/10/2015 08:13

Your dp would be able to get new ID documents im sure. If my house caught fire and all my documents burnt im sure I could get new ones somehow.

Cut them off, get a restraining order.

Bunbaker · 19/10/2015 08:22

"She controls all the money and doesn't let him have a bank account or mobile phone,"

He is in his 20s. Doesn't he have a job? Why can't he open a bank account on his own. He is legally entitled to his documents, and I'm sure he could apply for replacements if she won't give them to him.

Does he still live with her? Why?

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 19/10/2015 08:24

Sorry but as someone who experienced emotional abuse as a child, I would like to point out that it is very hard to break away from a parent who has been this controlling over the years. The DP sounds like he is slowly realising how this has affected his life and that can take many years and leave many mental scars.

My DM controlled my money in a similar way when I was in my 20's and living at home, via extortionate rent and lots of other "unexpected" things I suddenly had to pay for. If I could go back and shake myself I would but I didn't know I was controlled then.

OP, don't send the letter. Cut her out, get a restraining order and move on cleanly. Think of it like a death, once she's out of your lives, she's dead and gone.

PreciousxBane · 19/10/2015 08:30

My brother recently sent a letter to our Mother outlining her wrong doings. She along with younger sis cut him off, all it did was give them more power over him. Its a complicated situation and I dont want to thread hijack but family dynamics like this are far too horrible to comprehend for most people unless they have grown up in very abusive households. My Mother is so horrible she made him drown kittens she didnt want when he was about 11, just as an indication of her cruelty levels.

All you can do is cut contact and without making an issue of it, just stop and no dramatic I'm doing it because of xy and z. If you live geographically close I would suggest you move.

You always need a witness with people like this and that doesnt mean anyone in the family. Its a shame you didnt prosecute at the time. If you have independent witnesses then that would make it easier for you, I would seek advice from the police.

The skill of these utter evil sods is to make you doubt yourself and what is actually happening.

Brioche201 · 19/10/2015 08:55

Ok still struggling to understand this, but I am assuming that the DP has a mental illness/disorder which means he can't live with the OP.He DH has gone back to his parents as he can't afford to rent/buy independently? Is this correct?
It is all very well to say cut her out of your lives,get a restraining order etc but where is her OH to live if his mum throws him out? OP needs practical advice for her DH about this!

MintyChops · 19/10/2015 09:03

Brioche it's not clear to me that he has gone back to live with his mum. Perhaps OP could clarify?

KatharinaRosalie · 19/10/2015 09:11

Don't. She will only happily wave it around to show what a horrible nutcase of a DIL she has, obviously such things never happened..

Restraining order is the way to go here.

Sazzle41 · 19/10/2015 09:22

From experience, I know you need to express your anger but when someone is that toxic they just minimise and deny. Its pointless writing to her and giving her ammunition to use against you. It wont make an iota of difference and may even fuel something worse.

For your DP, he is a grown man, running back to her for more abuse is perpetuating it and perpetuating the acting like a child thing. She is treating him like one because he lets her and feeds into/continues her toxic dynamic. He is a grown man, its up to him to get a mobile , decide who he contacts on the internet etc. And start behaving like a grown man who has to decide: What does he get out of contacting her? Is it a vain attempt for love, because trust me that wont be forthcoming. Its called a pattern or behaviour, hers is abuse. Has he nowhere else to go if he cant stay with you at present?

For you personally, limit or go no contact, distance gives you peace - and perspective. Its her loss, she is a sad troubled person and if she cant moderate her behaviour she isn't safe to be around you or your family. Best wishes.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 19/10/2015 09:31

Lots of victim blaming on this thread.
It is MILs fault she is abusive.

It is not up to OPs DP to do this or do that or to just leave etc. It is not that simple.

Phone the police. The police can press charges if they think it is warranted. That is they do not need FIL to give evidence etc. In order for them to intervene on his behalf.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/10/2015 09:37

another to say don't send, she wont read it and she wont listen

diary, log the violence and restraining order

take care OP, you have a lot on your plate with this toxic family

babarthefuckingelephant · 19/10/2015 09:54

Ah im glad i posted this because you've all said don't send and although it would have got my anger out so to speak i would have been a bag of nerves.

Please could MN move this to relationships if thats a better place?

Thanks for all the advice, don't want to dripfeed but just to update for anyone that was concerned DP is most definitely not staying with them. This has all happened over a lengthy space of time. It was just over 6 months ago that she assaulted us and although he did go back straight away to stay with her (Id taken kids to the hospital and was not aware of any of it, i remember saying to everyone at the hospital, but she's so nice, why would she do this?) And because he hadn't told anyone about anything he was too scared not to.

Obviously there were things that pinpointed to her being controlling and that were just weird but they were often guised with excuses that made those things look helpful. He did have a mobile phone but he had never had his own iykwim. She had "let him have" a £10 one on pay as you go from tescos and only ever bought the credit for him herself which he was lucky if it was once a month, she would make him feel incredibly guilty and make out like it was a massive favour. He had a bank account that had a few bills coming out of it but she kept cards ect so he couldn't actually have any of the money and she made him believe he had no control over money so she was doing him a huge favour. Same with ID documents telling him she was keeping them safe. He wasn't allowed to go out places really so i think thats why she went nuts when he moved in with us and she would start to control him there too. The day we had our 20 week scan she told him he couldn't go because she wanted to take him to matalan thats an hour away so he could get a new shirt for work. He drove past a matalan every day on the way to work. They would fill up his car, take keys you name it.

He had hypnotherapy for stress initially and counselling and now he is in a proper mental health programme with proper psychotherapy and group treatment and he hasn't seen them since June, his choice after slowly being open with his counsellor and reaching that decision on his own. SS have been involved because of all the suicide attempts and we have come to the conclusion that at this point in time it wasn't fair on the children for him to be here so he has been staying with his best friend. Same age, super understanding (after i told him everything when DP was in hospital) single and no kids. So no he's not at immediate risk or anything, Its more that now he's not and he's starting to get better I can really see how bad she fucked up our family and it just made me so so angry. We still get calls emails and letters, DP changed his number but she still has mine. We moved away in may so we now live an hour away instead of down the road, I think i more just wanted to put everything she had done in the letter so that she would be too scared to actually show anybody. Because they have lots of money she thinks she's so terribly middle class when actually she's just a man and child beater and I wanted her to be scared people might find out. I know thats awful of me but thats all she cares about is people not finding out and I want her to be looking over her shoulder and feeling bad about what she's done to her child and grandchildren. More child though. The kids are too young to be as affected by her now they are safely away. DP is just a mess and its so heartbreaking.

OP posts:
babarthefuckingelephant · 19/10/2015 09:57

Oh and thanks small legs, I had no idea about most of it up until a few months ago (which is not really what you want when you're heavily pregnant/have just had a baby). Now i look back everything makes sense but all it was to me then was weird little occurrences. DP would make excuses he had been brainwashed into too, "oh I actually prefer this £10 phone I'm a technophobe and would be useless with money or technology".

OP posts:
ComeOnBabyS · 19/10/2015 09:58

don't send it. you will make yourself look as bad as her with this tit for tat.

Personally I would emigrate!

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/10/2015 10:00

You are doing well, OP.

It's tempting in this kind of situation to want to rush in and fight your partner's battles, but they are his and his alone. I'm glad to hear that he has sought professional support.

You can cheer him on from the sidelines, but any decisions he makes in future about how he views his parents, and how much he interacts with them, must be down to him. That will be very hard for you to watch at times.

You get to go all mama bear in order to protect your DC, though.

cleaty · 19/10/2015 10:11

Does he have a CPN? If yes, he needs to be honest to his CPN and get help to build an independent life. If he doesn't, he can ask his GP for a CPN. Although someone with numerous suicide attempts would usually have a CPN.

Don't do as others suggest and do everything for him. He needs to build up his ability to be independent, not just have someone else taking control, even if you are doing it to help him.

People are querying because it is unusual that someone who is still this controlled by their mother, has a partner and DCs.

BeccaMumsnet · 19/10/2015 13:52

Hi babarthefuckingelephant - we'll pop this over to Relationships now.

babarthefuckingelephant · 19/10/2015 19:55

Thanks everyone for all of the concerns, well wishes and advice. I was more giving a lot of background to justify why my feelings are now so strong and looking for a healthy way to let go of all of this anger i feel towards this person without actually hurting anyone. I feel like i have to let it out, and I guess I wanted to let it out at her because I don't want to keep hold of it all inside me and end up taking it out on loved ones not at fault by getting snappy with all the stress ect. Im not saying what I'm feeling is right, I just wish I could not feel it if that makes sense?

No cleaty as far as I'm aware he doesn't have a CPN. He was diagnosed during an inpatient stay in a secure unit and if i remember rightly the consultant said something vaguely along the lines of "we are referring him directly to the psychologist so he can start the psychotherapy quicker as he needs it in the next few weeks, and if it goes through CPN there would be a much longer waiting list"
Does that sound right or is he actually allowed both?

OP posts: