Do I jump or stay

[restlessat50]

I need some help netters I have been married for 23 years (19 and 13) run a business w dh and until about 12 months ago was jogging along in the marriage ok not brilliant v difficult 5 years w eldest dd who was v rebillious teen v antaganistic towards me w dh always sitting on fence but we got through it. However this throw into question whether I loved dh and whether I had ever been 'in love' w him so the last year I had this swilling round in my mind often w no proper answers so made the decision to go to Relate. However just after first therapy session dh crossed a line with me by sexually coercing me to have sex leaving me feeling v shaken and putting a whole new spin on things which has made me question our whole relationships and realising there has been alot of coercion throughout our relationship and on one occassion 'rape' (confirmed by my therapist) which sent me off into further tailspin of emotions. DH and I r now in seperate bedrooms he is v keen to get things back on track and being v nice to me (in all other ways he is a decent man) I am finding it v hard to forgive. It was a great relief to have him out of our bedroom so no pressure to have sex or have him watch me get undressed etc. I don't want to split up our family if I can help it especially for younger one who is only just 13. I keep asking myself can I make it work but iv just don't think I can go there anymore. I am happy for us to continue for now living in same house in seperate rooms but I know DH will not accept this forever and I hsve a fear if he knows we have no future together he will not be so friendly or supportive. I am trying to do what is best for everyone but deep down I am not sure i can ever hsve a physical relationship with him again (I feel violated by how he has behaved towards me )he is having therapy to look st his behaviour and is hoping we can get through this. I know he understands how he behaved was wrong and if we were to get physical again things would have to b v different but I am not sure I can get passed this. A friend had a similiar relationship w her dh and then met someone else and realised what a normal relationship was.

I would welcome opinions and advise as I feel I am at the edge of a cliff not sure whther to leap or not

My heart goes out to you. I think you need to ask yourself why you consider your needs and happiness so low on the priority scale that you feel you "ought to try" having a relationship with someone who has actually raped you, and sounds like coerced you time and time again? Xx

Hello,

I don't know how you can go forward - either by staying or getting out of your relationship without the help of therapy. I do hope you are still seeing your own therapist.

To be honest, it feels important to me that you continue working on your own needs. In your post I get the impression that you are still focussing a lot on what your H wants.

If you feel that you can't see a future with him then that's ok. You will be able to move on with your children.

But if you are in the process of establishing a new basis for your marriage then that's ok too. But you'll need help doing it. And in this light, if you need to be in a separate room from him then I suggest that you stick at that until however long you need to.

Also, if you feel you need physical contact from him then I suggest you go into his arms or put your arms round him and get it.

In short, whilst you still maintain your responsibilities as a parent, I really do believe you should start putting your own needs first.

Wishing you a peaceful evening.

I am happy for us to continue for now living in same house in seperate rooms but I know DH will not accept this forever and I have a fear if he knows we have no future together he will not be so friendly or supportive

If that means what I think it means, how can you bear to stay under the same roof? Do you have a lock on your bedroom door? It's all very well to say that in all other ways he's a decent man - yes, except for being a rapist...

I also wonder just a little whether he is coercive in other ways, for example in child rearing, and if so whether that had any effect on your elder DD's antagonism, but that might just be a bit of wild speculation.

.

Seem to have posted a blank post!
Tx for all your posts and comments AGYG I am not sure his behaviour is coercive to our dds although he has had it easier and both have competed for his attention I sm always the disciplinarian and probably seen as being less fun. He would often sit on the fence when ED was laying all her frustration and anger into me or at times he would side with her rather thsn mine we had counseling after 5 years of this it helped abit. His behaviour w younger d different she seeks his affection alot at times to the point of exclusion as happened on holidsy this year where they walked often together with mevacfew steps behind I did wonder how long it would tske them to notice if I
disappeared which I found quite

upsetting. There seems at times lack of empathy or as one friend said on hesring full situtation a real lack of respect. Deep down I don't think I want to continue in the relationship on him moving into spare room I felt huge sense of relief it is so lovely hsving no pressure to have sex, not hsving to desl with the groping which oftrn occured or pulling up skirt, dress etc to find out what pants I was wearing (sometimes in corners at work pkace we run a business together) which in the last year had become increasingly uncomfortable at never wanting to climb stairs w him behind me as I know he would be looking at my bum in certain trousers etc. His behsviour is quite jim savillish v dated he would often laugh at (still does) at rsther suggestive jokes about boobs etc (not uncommon in men of his sge 55)
On writing this I know it sounds terrible but as said he is decent in other ways and is now being v suppirtive especially as he knows he has csused slot of this situation
I don't want a physicsl relstionship with him now or in future but am trying to keep the ship steady and it is not essy ending a 25 year relstionship so trying to do it in stsges w seperate rooms first whilst deciding how to plan out the future. It is quite difficult as we often wstch tv together, walk dog or mert friends socislly which I can manage as long as I can go to my own bed at the end of the night. However I know this csn not continue long term he is hopeful things will chnage for the better as time goes on but I don't think I can do it. Deep down I am not sure I will ever fully forgive him for how he has behaved towards me I have too much respect for myself now to continue in such a relstionship but am scared also about being on my own going forward and effect all this will have on dds. It is v difficult to tell them or others especially fsmillies the real reason for break up fsmily won't want to know (especially his) and I think it would b v damaging for my dds especially younger one so I have kept stum to most peopke about what has happened although I am tempted to tell at times but it would b v difficult for him and may come back to bite me in future
It is all v difficult don't get me wrong we have also had good times too but the last 5 years have not been easy

What a warped relationship, why are you even giving it head space when he has abused you and still thinks it's ok to do so, please get a life and leave him, he's vile.

He's not decent, he's a dirty old perv who has zero respect for you.

Tx for your comments jan45 I have a life and some v suppirtive friends but it is not always easy just to wslk away I am doing the best I can right now I don't have any fsmily close by anc my mum has recenntly died so am desling w that too. On reading back my response I can see why you might think our relationship warped but there have also been good times and working together is not always easy but going forward my life will be v different I feel hopefully more honest and with me in control
The comments hsve msde me think I don't want a relationship like this ever again but equally I don't want me to hate him either mainly for the sake of the girls it is btter to bon good terms than not. Also I may still b Iin denial abit csn tske others to show you things you don't like to reslise things sre bad