are we the norm or the minority?

[WhimsicalWinnifred]

DP and I have been together 8.5 years.

We are both a little under 30 so I like to think young and spritely.

We have one child who is 4.

We now have sex one or two times a month. It's been a steady decline since I was pregnant. And as I started snoring when pregnant, we started sleeping in different beds. Also a steady decline from him leaving once he couldn't sleep to him starting the night in his own bed.

We used to be very sexual and now we are not. He used to be very sociable and always going out with friends. Now he prefers my company and defines himself as anti sociable. Basically, he is saying he's completely changed as a person. We've been together so long he just isn't interested in sex. He was concerned and spoke to his friends. They told him that he was silly to be concerned because after so long together, they all rarely have sex too. However, I know he watches porn. If he has a sex drive for porn , why doesn't he have a sex drive for me? I asked him and he sticks with the belief that we have been together too long and it's not going to be how it was. He says he still finds me attractive but that our relationship is now on a much deeper level and he'd rather have that then a good sex life.

I'd rather have this to but I miss the passion and I feel it's me not him.

Is he right that most relationships go this way or do we need to change things?

Wow, that seems a little harsh? Have you really let yourself go or is he an arse? ( I'm guessing the latter)...does he still look like he looked when you got together? What is he doing while you go to work early and come back late?

I have put on weight and am more flabby than I was. I'm on my way to losing it now I think but have been trying for around six years haha. He often talks about what I used to look like and it's very complimentary. I'm confused about what he thinks now because it's not straight cut. I thought he thought I was fat until the other day when during a heated discussion I said 'I don't think I'm fat. You think I'm fat' he looked shocked and said 'I don't think you're fat'

As for his change in appearance, no he doesn't look the same. When we met he was chubby. Now he has a very low body far percentage and muscles that make you weak at the knees. He works really hard for it and I'm not into all that. He thinks I should stop moaning about my weight and get to the gym like he does.

During the day DD has a CM but after 5 he looks after her giving me the opportunity to work the extra hours.

OP, while I can understand your desire to reach for the lippy and make an effort to be sexy, I'm not sure that's the solution. Your DP seems to be favouring porn over real sex, the solution is not for you to compete. You need to talk to him and explain how unhappy you are. The effort needs to come from him too, otherwise are you going to dress up and feel the need to be sexy for him every day just to get noticed? You can't fix everything by yourself. If he is distant, only he can provide the solution.

I am wondering if he has started to see you as "a mum" rather than someone who he is "allowed" to fancy?

Do you know much about his parents' relationship? Separate rooms there?

You say he is now ripped - presumably he's spending lots of time in the gym. Does he take steroids?

No he doesn't take steroids.

Hmm his parents relationship was over when he was very young. His mum has been married and divorced to two men since we have been together. He doesn't believe marriage lasts forever. He said that if he wasn't with me he would eventually have a sexless relationship with someone else. He seems to think it's impossible to keep the spark going.

And yes, I do think I am now 'a mother'

He said that if he wasn't with me he would eventually have a sexless relationship with someone else.

Wow. That seems so sad :( Would he consider relationship counselling, do you think? I mean he's basically saying "Marriage doesn't last so there's no point me making an effort".