The cost of visiting family-dilemma.

[avocadosarentmiddleclassed]

Last year, I inherited £20,000 which I used to; pay off debts, get a new car, new lap top, buy us a lovely (once in a lifetime) honeymoon and put myself through weekly therapy for over a year to deal with issues from a difficult childhood.
There has been more generous presents and charity donations and a bit less stress.

However, it's all spent albeit on things I don't regret/ needed for work etc and I'm back to just living off my wages.

My sister lives in France and my Dad 5 hours away and Im struggling to afford to visit them without ending up using credit cards/ overdrafts.

I don't want to go back to that way of living so I have recently cancelled going to meet them for get togethers based on not being able to afford it.

I feel as though I'm morally wrong for not just seeing them and that they might judge me because they knew I had this money last year, but I want to live by my means and that means not hopping in my car every half term (I'm a teacher) to go to family occasions which always end up being really expensive if you count fuel/ snacks at service stations, meals out and presents.
I just want to live a simple life and stay put in my own world without feeling this constant gnawing guilt that I should use my holiday time to go visiting.
Does anyone else feel this way?
Thank you for reading.

I'm in the situation that I moved away from my family, it's an 8 hour journey including a ferry trip.

I aim to see them once a year. This year it didn't happen. My mum used to come and visit me, but she is getting older and tbh I prefer her not driving here anymore. She won't fly as she is then dependent on me regarding transport.

My childhood was rotten, mum is toxic, and I don't feel obliged to see her. Nevertheless I try and visit, but only on my terms. That means, I stopped seeing her on my own, my DH always comes with me -she's not nasty to me when he is there-. This year it wasn't possible so I didn't go.

You have spent your money wisely. All these things you mentioned are very sensible. Even if you had blown it on a massive foreign holiday and loads of gadgets, it was your money and your decision. You should own the decision not to have spent it on visiting.

I also believe it is about more than money. You say it is emotionally draining/costly to see family. That I fully understand, really. You should be careful with your emotional ressources. Teaching is draining, you need time just for you each holiday, calming down from the stress and unwinding. Otherwise you will just get ill as your body thinks you need to be forced to slow down.
I would find a medium, work out how many times a year you can afford to see them - financially and emotionally - and tell them.

I don't think the OP is saying she doesn't want to visit at all, but if there is an expectation that every holiday is spent in a visit that becomes an obligation not a pleasure. There is also often an expectation on childless people that they do all the visiting. A spare room is waiting - maybe OP you should try "I won't be able to come at Easter but it would be great if you wanted to come up", and put the ball in their court. Anyone who thinks it's cheap to travel for visits if it involves a ferry hasn't taken many ferries.
I visited family way more when single; a bit less once in a relationship and a lot less now I've children. But I make sure at least annual visits happen and parents always welcome here.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong OP.

This seems to be all about your guilt and not actually about what anyone is asking of you, your dad said not to worry and I would take that at face value.

I do understand as I have a stressful full time job and use my holidays as down time. I find visiting and travelling very stressful, especially to family where there are 'issues' (I have local family who are easier) and so I limit them amount of times I go down to a real minimum.

Phones work both ways, trains, planes and so on fly both ways, I think sometimes it's fine to sit put and enjoy where you are on your holidays. You are not stopping them coming, after all. You might find after a year like this, you get more energy again, but there's no reason why you should be the one to travel every time.

£100 is not a lot of money to visit family & celebrate a birthday. You're a teacher, as someone in education I find it quite surprising you don't find that affordable if it means you see close family who don't live nearby.

If the family don't feel obliged to visit you when you have clearly offered and made them welcome, don't feel obliged to visit them unless you really want to, whether it costs £100 or not. Especially if there is an emotional cost of doing so.

I think ots clear that you don't want to see them. The money and time issues are just excuses. You don't want to see them, you have your reasons for that, be comfortable with your decision and own it.

OP should never have said she was a teacher.

Thanks again everyone.
I find it difficult to go visiting with my step daughter for various reasons so that would add extra stress.
I also wouldn't want to go without DH because he is my best friend and I want to spend my time off, in his company.
I also don't have the money at the moment to go.
I used to just bung everything on the credit card or overdraft and I want that behaviour to stop now I have a second chance.
I do want to see them but without all these added stressers.

Do what's right for you. I'm a teacher and have spent many holidays dragging my children around the country to see family. I have stopped. Teaching is a nightmare nowadays. I need much of my holiday time to catch up with stuff I can't do in term time. I do the majority of childcare as my husband has a 'normal' job with less holidays. I need some downtime - actually I don't get it whether I spend my time visiting or not. I just prefer my time at home. Since I've stopped and extended many invites for family to visit us I have no-one accept. Fine with me to be honest.

I can see it going like that myself woodlands, I spend the majority of my money on my home but don't spend much time in it!

If you were in a different job, you'd only get 4/5 weeks holiday a year. So put in that terms, most people would think going for 2 weeks a year (split over two visits) was perfectly reasonable.

You don't owe your extended family all your non-work days, nor your money if they don't/won't come to you.

The money has been spent (if I inherited that much, it would go on paying down the mortgage, not on having a 'bigger' lifestyle now of lots of trips to see extended family, most people would be the same), living within your means is sensible. If your extended family cared about you, they wouldn't want you to get into debt. It could be that they don't realise you can't afford all the travelling, particulary if you have just been running up debts so they haven't seen that this is beyond your limits.

It's not about the money or time - you need to be honest with yourself about why you don't want to go.

If you conclude that it's not the right thing for you for whatever reason then don't go but if you dress it up in excuses be prepared for others to see them as excuses.

It sounds as if there is a voice in your head that says there should be x amount of face to face contact with y numbers of relatives. You are struggling to challenge that voice. I also recognise the syndrome of lots if spending on travel and presents to hide a sense of inadequacy, and also a belief that spending on seeing family and giving presents doesn't count as real spending.

You need to hear what that voice I saying and then look at the reality. Your father has moved to an island fgs (unless you grew up there). Could he make it any plainer that he cares more about his own life and isn't fussed about seeing lots of people?

Why not embrace skype and start having real conversations with your family that don't revolve around the logistics of your next visit. You can't afford it and you would rather do other things, so by all means cultivate relationships with them but not face to face.

£100 is not a lot of money to visit family & celebrate a birthday. You're a teacher, as someone in education I find it quite surprising you don't find that affordable if it means you see close family who don't live nearby.

I think it's pretty crappy to keep piling on the guilt. Why should she spend every holiday travelling hundreds of miles. £100 can be a fortune if you don't have it. Plus, teachers hardly earn millions, do they?

Just my opinion but it sounds more like the job burning you out than your reluctance to see your family.

It's simply that I don't have the money/ emotional resources this month and I feel ashamed that I have spent all of the money that I had and feel that dad's partner will judge me heavily for this.
I just spoke to Dad and said that him and his partner are welcome to come up to ours with their dog at Christmas time so that will be lovely and I think the idea of skyping is s good one.
Thank you.