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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dp annoying me to the extreme

27 replies

Rantawaredotcom · 17/10/2015 03:08

Have name changed for this as dp knows my regular username.

Said dp is really getting on my nerves. I love him but wish he'd grow up and sort himself out.

He has a medical condition which requires him to catheter himself once a week or when it's under controlled once a fortnight or even less. The thing is, since we moved to our flat 6months ago hes not cathetered at all, problems are starting to surface; infections, premature ejaculation, unable to pee or peeling more frequently etc. He complains about these problems but does nothing about it, its starting to effect his work and he won't even tell his boss why. He says he doesn't like the catheters he has but won't phone his consultant to sort it out.

He has an annoying itch that he gets in the roof of his mouth which he itches loudly with his tongue - gross as well as annoying. It gets better with antihistamines which suggests an allergy to something but refuses to sort it. It keeps me awake at night ffs.

He's decided he's lactose intolerant, of course won't go to the doctor about it. Has cut all lactose out of his diet and says he feels better since doing so (fine, if he feels better I'm really happy for him). He said he wouldn't stop me eating or drinking lactose, but then moans when I have a chocolate bar or put milk in my tea. It's restricting my diet because all his favourite foods seem to contain lactose and he doesn't want to be "tempted" if I eat separately to him, it's fucking annoying. He's now decided that he must buy some tablets off Amazon that cost £65 for 10 tablets (£6.50 per tablet seriously??) so once a week he can have his favourite foods as these tablets help him digest lactose apparently. I suggested going to the doctor and seeing if theyre available on nhs so we're only paying £8 or whatever but apparently he doesn't have time (he works 3 days a week ffs how does he not have time?)

We have an almost 4month old baby together and he complains she doesn't like him - he refuses to change her nappy, moans when I ask him to give her one bottle a day so I can shower, won't play with her and passes her to me if he's cuddling her and she cries. Yet is happy to show her off to work collegues and happy to take praise for how brilliant she is.

He refuses to talk to his parents at the drop of a hat and cancels plans with them at the last minute even when theyve cancelled they're own plans to see him and their gd. They're nice people if occassionally misguided, and often have no idea what theyve done wrong when he drops them for awhile. Theyre brilliant with DD and whenever theyve looked after her alone they stick to my rules and routine etc. They're good gps. I continue to see and spend time with them whenever he drops them because I don't want DD to forget them - of course this annoys dp but he can never give me a reason why he's dropped them other than "they're annoying" (aren't all parents? My dm annoys the hell out of me at times).

He will come in from work and just want to "sit for awhile" which generally means he'll spend 2-4 hours playing computer games and complaining if I ask him to do simple tasks for DD (see above point about bonding) or moans he never gets freetime - well what did he expect with a baby/job/house?

I do love this man, and he is brilliant mostly. I know he'd be great with DD if he just gave it time. And also went to the doctor about his medical issues. I do sometimes feel he might be jealous, I have several medical conditions which I control but the HV and doctors always ask how I'm managing with those, and are quick to offer support if I feel I need it. Maybe he wants a bit of that.

OP posts:
coffeeisnectar · 17/10/2015 03:20

Make a gp appointment and take him there. It sounds like he's caught in a rut of depression or apathy or plain old attention seeking but he needs to sort himself out.

The whole lactose thing is crazy. If he is lactose intolerant he'd have chronic stomach pain and the runs! Both dd 1 and I have to be careful about the amount of lactose we have as we both react badly to too much. You can't self diagnose something like that.

He could end up really poorly if he starts buying tablets online and is not using a catheter. Take him to the doctors and write a list of his issues to take with you.

He doesn't seem to cope with the baby so I'd suggest he has a morning with her, you supervising but him doing everything with and for her.

I know you say he is brilliant but he doesn't sound it. I only have what you've said to go on but I just see a man who is jealous of the baby, won't help you, doesn't deal with his health issues, spends money on tablets online and hours on the computer. If this doesn't change you'll end up resenting him.

Phoenix69 · 17/10/2015 05:23

I'm intrigued as to what qualities he has that make him brilliant with all or that taken into account.

Just purely on the first point of not using the catheter - you have to contact his consultant and get him in. He is acting like a child you will have to treat him as such.

intolerant of lactose? - Nope.
Pills off the internet? - Will be coloured aspirin.
Intolerant of daughter? - leave him in charge, no input from you. Some men feel that the mothers critise what they are doing so don't bother trying.

I'm afraid you need to arrange for him to be at the doctors

hesterton · 17/10/2015 05:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WheresMyBurrito · 17/10/2015 06:18

And you're still with this guy...why, exactly? Like pp I'm struggling to see the brilliance here.

I also have a 4mo. If DH acted the way your DP does I'd hit the fucking roof. I think I'd have had some kind of breakdown by now tbh.

category12 · 17/10/2015 06:26

How is he brilliant?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/10/2015 06:48

I'm also confused about how he is mostly brilliant - all the awful things you have described sound like they take up a lot of his time, not sure when he finds time to be brilliant?

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 17/10/2015 06:48

So you are a mother of two!

PP suggesting you "take him" to the GP, REALLY? She is not his mother!

How is he brilliant OP? I'm struggling to believe that based on what you've written.

Imgivinguponyou · 17/10/2015 06:54

The way he is treating his new baby is disgusting. He should be ashamed of himself. I would pull him up on that behaviour every single time.

He only works three days a week but needs hours after work playing computer games?

I bet he's not a young man but you're right, he needs to grow up.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 17/10/2015 06:56

I was going to say exactly what Obsidian has.

DisillusionedGoat · 17/10/2015 07:09

Was he was like this pre baby?

Cabrinha · 17/10/2015 07:39

Another one wondering where the brilliant bit is.
During the 2-4 (FOUR!) hours of me time that he needs to relax from his part time job maybe?
Ultimatum time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/10/2015 08:15

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You have two children really to look after now because he is being a manchild.

It all seems to be based on an unhealthy co-dependency rather than love, do you think he loves you?.

In what ways is he brilliant; many women in less that emotionally healthy relationships write that sort of guff (or the good dad comment) when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. You have not written anything at all positive about him. You also cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped; I also think he is jealous of your child and cannot stand not being the sole focus of your attention any more.

ThreeRuddyTubs · 17/10/2015 08:24

He sounds utterly draining and not at all brilliant

Rantawaredotcom · 18/10/2015 11:05

Admittedly I don't get much out of the relationship right now but he is brilliant in other ways.

He works really hard on the days he works, and earns enough that I don't have to work (works for his dad, earns 26k per year 3 days a week which isnt much but is enough for me).

He will arrange for his mum or sister to have DD if I want to go out with my friends.

He is always buying me things; chocolate, small presents etc.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/10/2015 11:17

Still not sounding brilliant? Working for a living, supporting the family - expected. He's not exactly working his fingers to the bone is he?

Getting his family to babysit - why isn't he caring for his child? It's nice that they will, but it's their good point, not his.

Little gifts are nice but don't really outweigh the rest of it.

expatinscotland · 18/10/2015 11:24

Wow! Works part-time for daddy and fobs his kid off on his female relatives as a treat to you. What a catch.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/10/2015 11:24

He works part time when he could work full time - not great
He gets his family to babysit instead of looking after his own child - really shit
He buys you chocolate - hmm yeah ok

The only semi decent thing you have described is that he buys you chocolate. Sure there isn't more 'brilliance' you could name? Because so far he's looking unbrilliant in the extreme.

DisillusionedGoat · 18/10/2015 11:28

You've set the bar real low. He works three days a week (then does not much else, it seems, as his contribution to the household). He arranges for his family to look after his own child if you want to go out /need a break, and he buys you presents/chocolate. This passes for brilliant?! Confused

PunkrockerGirl · 18/10/2015 11:29

Why doesn't he look after dd himself when you go out with friends?

DisillusionedGoat · 18/10/2015 11:29

X posts with Obsidan

Asteria36 · 18/10/2015 11:35

Sorry op but any moron can hold down a part-time job, buy presents and arrange for someone else to look after their child. I'm not seeing brilliance at all - more petulance! From what you have said he appears jealous of the baby and as such is effectively self-harming to get the attention back to him. That is not within the normal range of behaviour for a new father. I'm always a bit wary of the LTB brigade (for some on here that is a default setting!) but I must admit, from what you have said so far I would be struggling to find any redeeming features that would keep me in the relationship.

OutToGetYou · 18/10/2015 11:41

On £26k he def cannot afford £65 sugar pills.

How do you know he works really hard when he's at work anyway? And, you know, everyone does!

DisillusionedGoat · 18/10/2015 11:41

(As a default setting LTB has an lot going for it. Too many women cling onto with such dreadful, awful relationships. Being alone is Imo, preferable)

HopeClearwater · 18/10/2015 12:31

Why in god's name have pp said that OP should be making an appointment for her DP? He's an adult, his health is his responsibility! He sounds completely immature, self-centred and useless.

lavenderhoney · 18/10/2015 14:02

His refusing to take care of himself - you say he works really hard yet this is affecting his part time work. He hasn't told his boss but his boss is his dad?

Is he trying to get sacked? And he treats his parents appallingly if they give him a job as well. They sound like they think you're his last chance to grow up and he also doesn't sound very fond of your dd. Refusing to care for her is rubbish behaviour and saying she doesn't like him!

He doesn't sound brilliant really, and he annoys the crap out of you by the sound of it. Why did you have a child with him? And what does he do when he's not working? You're a sahm- do you spend the day together?

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