I think it's over, he doesn't. What now?

[Ananke99]

Have been with H for 10 yrs, married 4 & we have 2 DS's (3 & 8)

Things haven't been quite right with us for a long time, every now & then there would be a big blow up argument, things would be said then promises of change made, but nothing ever really seemed to be any different.

I realised last month that he was just burying his head in the sand, and I couldn't cope with feeling like I had to hold everything together anymore, so I asked for a trial separation. He wasn't happy about it, but eventually, when I explained the effect our current situation was having on me, he relented & agreed to move out temporarily.

It's only been a couple of weeks, but I feel like such a weight has been lifted - however I know he's not happy. I don't hate him, but I honestly don't feel like I love him other than in a family type way. He's not a horrible person, not abusive in any way, but I just don't feel that we work anymore as a couple. Neither of us seem to like each other when we are living together, and that's not an atmosphere that I want our DS's growing up in.

I do feel guilty for not feeling more upset about things, surely it's not normal to feel so unaffected by what's increasingly looking like the end of a marriage?

Has anyone else been in this position? I just don't know what to do, I can't see how we can salvage anything but I don't think he's willing to accept it.

Well he doesn't really have any choice but to accept it. You can emd your marriage if you want to.

And you're not unaffected, are you? You feel like a weight has been lifted.

That sounds a bit blunt! Sorry.

You will feel guilty, but you have to do what feels right. It will be better for your children if you get on better apart

As you say you have fallen out of love with him apart from the love felt towards the father of your kids. Does he know this? He won't be accepting until he has been told how you feel and given a chance to accept and move on. It's perfectly normal to feel a weight has been lifted and not being more upset because you can clearly see the marriage isn't working together.

Hello, I am in a similar situation except by DH is a cheating alcoholic but still thinks we can make it work! So I'm impressed you got your DH when mine won't even acknowledge that I want to seperate.

Maybe Phoenix is right and we just need to be brutally honest and say we don't love them anymore. My DH keeps saying think of the children but all my friends agree it is so much better for children to grow up in a happy home. I think women feel far more guilty then men, most if the time, it's the way we're wired. So let's be strong and honest and stand up for ourselves as our happiness does matter.

Best of luck to you, I'm off out for a run with my dog but will check in later.

Your DH out of the house, I meant to say!!!

I salute your courage and decisiveness. It's what I should have done after a year of having children, but didn't. Despite having another, things are not better. Stay strong and get out. It's perfectly possibly to like or still love someone, get on with them and even want to spend time with them but just not want to do it anymore within the parameters of a partnership which has ceased to function. Good luck OP.

Phoenix - no I've not said it that bluntly, but I think you're right, I need to. He still insists he loves me, but I don't feel like he does. Actions speak louder than words!

My main point to him in favour of separating was that it was better to happen now, than leaving it until we hated each other. I feel indifferent towards him, which does make me feel like a bitch.

It had got to the stage where I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. I felt like I'd lost my identity, and was just wife/mother. Now I feel like the old me is coming back, so for me it's the right thing to do.

I feel indifferent towards him, which does make me feel like a bitch

if you started off loving him and now feel indifferent, then either he's changed or you have. Otherwise your feelings would have stayed as they were.

But frankly someone who makes promises and doesn't keep them is asking for their partner to stop caring.

Problems arise, you talk, each of you tries to change. If they don't try to change, you get disappointed and you loose faith in them and in your future. I think indifference is a long way down that path, but you must have tried hard before your feelings were killed.

So glad the old you is coming back and in reality if the relationship is healthy the old you would never have gone away.

Stay atrong

Oh I just re read and saw
'I feel indifferent towards him which makes me feel like a bitch'
No way is this how you should feel. Being a bitch is deliberately and maliciously doing something to hurt someone. Feeling indifferent is because you have fallen out of love. Explain that to him and you can both move on.