Am I in the wrong or is he??

[bluebutterfly29]

I started dating my boyfriend about six months ago. We both ended long term relationships this year and whilst we were not looking for anything serious when we meet, it became clear in from the very start that our relationship was heading towards something that is serious and most likely long term. We haven't had any disagreements until very recently. For personal reasons I will be relocating from London to New York City in the next couple of months. Luckily my boyfriends job requires him to spend 50% of his time in NYC and because of this he has a flat in the city. I have been very stressed about finding a new job in the city and finding someplace to live. I have wanted to find a job before moving but have found it difficult to interview whilst living in a another country, and my boyfriend has thus suggested that I move next month to make the job search easier. I have told him repeatedly that I am not keen to move before finding a job because I don't want to use up all of my savings on rent and wouldn't feel comfortable renting a flat/or a room until I have a steady income.

He recently suggested that I stay at his place until I found a job and was able to save up money. This instantly removed a lot of stress. However, when we later on about it, he started to backtrack and said that I could stay with him for a few days and then rent a room from someone. He said that he thinks it will be unhealthy for us to be living together for a longer period of time so early in our relationship and doesn't want to jeopardise what we have.

I am feeling really hurt and very stressed. I don't want to permanently live with him either, but it would be nice for him to let me stay at his place for a few weeks whilst I sort things out. I explained to him how I was feeling and that I felt he didn't understand because he has a secure life (great job, nice flat, very high income) and I a starting all over again and could really use some support whilst I get on my feet.

What are your opinions? Am I in the wrong here?

I think it's downright mean that he won't let you stay for a few weeks till you've sorted things out. Most people would do that for any friend, let alone a partner.

I would say he's backtracking as he's questioning his feelings for you.

Yes it's too early to be setting up home together but staying at his place for a few weeks won't harm your relationship surely.

I would be very hurt.

When I was about 25, I wanted to leave a rubbish lodging arrangement, and was 4 months away from a big relocation (still UK) as I was going to start a graduate trainee job with frequent placement moves.

My then boyfriend of 6 months said - move in with me!

And I did, and it was lovely. No pressure - we were two young people and is could move out as easily as I moved in.

Then I got my first placement and it was very unexpectedly local - we were both over the moon!

We didn't last, but it was a lovely relationship at the time.

I would see this as a MASSIVE alarm bell that he's just not that into you if I'm honest, sorry.

You're going to move to a country and he's not even saying "hey, stay a month?" Yet he'd let a friend.

6 months in is FINE to say he doesn't want to accidentally end up living together. But 6 months in you should be super keen on someone and happy to 'play house' with them, if you both know it's temporary.

He's said you can stay a week. Love, at 6 months in you should be able to go on a 2 week holiday with your boyfriend. He's suggesting less time than a flipping holiday!

I'm very curious about this happy coincidence of him living in NYC and you moving there. You must have the skills and right to work or good possibility for a visa if you're interviewing already. Would you still want to go if he dumped you tomorrow?

If you are going FOR him, and he knows that and wants that, it should be open house at his for a couple of months.

If your boyfriend won't treat you as well as a friend would, bin him.

I'm a real stand on your own type. But I think this screams that it's you that things you've unexpectedly found something serious - not him.

Read all the posts and I think the consensus is the guy has his head screwed on. I'd be exactly the same.

He is right to be wary. You've only been dating for a few months and for half of that time he lives in another country.

What are the chances you'd fall for a guy who just happens to have a house in the country you want to relocate too for personal reasons.

Thank you for all the wonderful messages, its great getting advice and hearing so many different opinions.

To answer everyones questions:

Cookiemonster: Since we have met, he has actually spent all of his time in London but now he needs to be back in America for the foreseeable future.
Up until last week he was sharing a flat with a flatmate, but he made the choice to get his own place so that it would be a little bit more private for when I arrived. I adore him, and the fact that he lives in NY has nothing to do with that.

Leavemywings: I have dual citizenship, and there are more opportunities for the type of work that I do on the East Coast (although the interview process for the type of work that I do often takes many months) I have been planning on moving for about a year now (although dragging my feet because I love London, but I am living here to the detriment of my career) and the fact that his company is requiring him to now be in NYC for at least the next six months combined with an emergency family situation is what has prompted me to move up my move date. However, I should say that I originally told him I was planning on staying in London until the end of the year but he keeps asking me to move now.

Cabrinha: 'If your boyfriend won't treat you as well as a friend would, bin him' this is an interesting point...and something I am going to be thinking about. Yes, I think its odd that he would allow his friend to stay as long as they would need but not me.

In that case I think he's being a bit unkind actually. As the poster above said, any good friend would help you out in this situation, if he's stressing about the prospect of you moving in temporarily it's because he secretly fears you're trying to get your feet prematurely under his table by stealth.

Whether there is any truth in that or not, it doesn't bode particularly well for the future of the relationship, and I am a bit confused about why he is pressuring you to move so soon, yet he's reluctant to make any kind of commitment or be supportive of you once you are there. It's most odd.

I know six months isn't very long, but it's long enough that if there is any real future in this thing he would not feel so uncomfortable about the idea of you living there temporarily.

I live by the principle do as you would be done by. If someone else, possibly your bf, doesn't, you have to decide if he's worth bothering with. I get the impression some people are very mean and unhelpful. But that's society I guess. What you planning to do op?

He shouldn't be pushing you to move sooner than you've planned (and before your work is sorted out).

Thanks everyone - very good advice! I will be speaking with him deeply about this to see whats really going on. I do find it really uncomfortable and I am not keen on the back and forth.

Hope the talk helps you work things out op

Thanks rumred. We did talk and he said that he had thought a lot about it and he does want me to stay with him for as long as I need to in order to sort things out. We talked about what he was worried about and agreed that we are on the same page about where we are headed etc.

Aww, bf or not- I wish I were 29 and going off to live in NYC!
Have a gorgeous time- I think you were both right.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong, but he did make a mistake when he made the offer and then backtracked.

Why don't you both make it explicit, so that neither of you is using their own personal measure of what is too much or not enough? "Boyfriend, can I stay in you flat for the month of November, while I simultaneously job hunt and flat hunt. I will move out by November 30th. Tell me what rent or bills, if any, you would like me to pay "

Oh I'm really pleased, well done for tackling and sorting it. And very best of luck in ny

Thank you! Yes, I am really pleased as well. We both have always been really honest and open with each other which makes things easier. I do think I need to really work to get on my feet as soon as possible and find my own life in New York that is separate from him. I am slightly worried because I think it will be a big adjustment and a big culture shock.

You will get there though OP, yes it'll take time to get used to such a mahoosive change but once you get a job and get properly settled in I'm sure you'll make the most of it!!!

Glad to hear the air is cleared and wishing you the best of luck with it all

Thank you Darth!