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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unreasonable - I ask you the Mumsnet Jury??

46 replies

VoluptuaGoodshag · 04/12/2006 13:16

Sigh. I have great difficulty organising anything because DH works away a lot so everything revolves round his commitments. Anyway, after months of it never happening, I finally invited another couple over for lunch with their kids (these people were his friends initially before we met). This is happening on Sunday which was fine by DH until his work changed at the last minute and now he has to extend his trip by a couple of days. He will still be back on Sunday by lunchtime but says he can't be bothered with lunch. I said that he didn't have to do anything and it's nothing fancy anyway, just some soup and sandwiches and a chance to catch up for a natter but he's still not interested. I can understand to a degree that he'll be tired but he just emailed me his itinerary with a note saying that he's been upgraded to first class so can have a nice sleep all the way back!

Hey I won't be tired either because I manage to function on fresh air looking after his kids (aged 2 + 3) all the time he's away. But it's nice to make an effort to see people else I'd never have any fecking adult conversation.

Why can't he make more of an effort just to be sociable for a change?

OP posts:

uwila · 04/12/2006 14:19

I have this problem too. I just go out without him. He comes home on Thursdays and I usually go out. Alternative,y, if your DH schedule is not predictable you could just book a local babysitter for say every Friday and then you are free to go out on Fridays.

mumblechum · 04/12/2006 14:24

But isn't it more fun to do things together? I remember a friend telling me that she and her dh only ever went out seperately, and that they had more fun with their friends than they did together.
Not surprisingly, they split up soon afterwards.

beckybrastraps · 04/12/2006 14:30

Well quite. When my dh comes home after a stint away I want to spend some time with him. Not go out on my own again...

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 04/12/2006 14:42

I know what you mean - yes it's nice to go out with your own pals but it's nice to do things together, sharing time, talking about it afterwards.

OP posts:

uwila · 04/12/2006 16:00

"But isn't it more fun to do things together?"

Think it depends on who you are married to.

bluejelly · 04/12/2006 16:05

I have flown to and from far east on business quite a lot
Even if in business class you still feel knackered. Jet lag is hideous.
I'd rearrange for another day

joelallie · 04/12/2006 16:23

Couldn't he just come down and say hello and then collapse back in bed whenever he needs too. I'm sure your friends would understand. No reason you can't enjoy yourself. Could you rearrange it for the day before perhaps?

StarrmumofRoyalBeautyBright · 04/12/2006 16:57

I'm with bluejelly on this one - jet lag is hideous and you really don't sleep that well on a flight, even if you are business class. And it's not his fault his trip has been extended after all.

If he really doesn't want to do it then there's no point forcing him because he will only be cross/sulk, etc - which will make you cross in turn!

Best thing would be to explain to the friends and then fix another time. If they're friends they should understand.

You can be irritated/annoyed at the situation, but I think you're being a bit unfair on him in this instance.

Xtine · 04/12/2006 23:12

This type of issue must be a very common problem - I always used to say to ex H that he should go to some half way house to catch up and then face the children and I once he felt less tired. I could see that he used to hate coming home and facing a full on situation.

I think that if one of the partners goes away regularly it makes for very difficult and unbalanced situations as the partner left at home and who has coped alone for the duration is initially keen to see partner or have a break themselves and the returning partner is justifiably knackered. I used to realise that my partner was knackered however I found that no allowance or consideration was made for my efforts with two young DC while he was away. This is probably why we are now separated divorce pending.

In this instance I would still go ahead with the lunch as when you arranged it you thought he would have already been home a couple of days before.

I can also totally relate to the comment mad by VPGS and I ended up totally resenting my partner coming home like the long lost hero. So much so that when he used to leave I would just say bye see you in xx days. If he rang to speak to the children I would often be genuinely busy with something else and ultimately through having had to cope I would dread his return as he often used to only make negative comments about the tidiness of the house but never any acknowledgement of my efforts during the time he was away. Sad really but was one of the factors that drove us apart.

Sorry for the negativity.

moondog · 04/12/2006 23:15

It sounds selfish.
My dh spends most of the year abroad and we don't see him for six weeks at a time.
However a lot of socialising is pencilled in to the times when he is home,otherwise,as I point out to hi,he would have no friends at all.

Plus,after weeks of being in with small children,I am gagging for some adult company.

I make allowances for him and he does for me.

Tortington · 04/12/2006 23:17

i dont think he is being unreasonable getting in from work and expecting not to have to put a front on and make conversation.

now, if you had both arranged this previously and at the last minute he bailed. then yes v. twattish.

its hard doing a days work out of the home. sometimes i think that SAHM martyrdom prevaileth. i actually think that you should be more considerate. That you should sit down and explain your lonliness and frustrations and work something out with better planning

Tortington · 04/12/2006 23:18

or like moondog says - do it without him - but expecting him to walk in from a flight and put up with company is not on IMO

Xtine · 04/12/2006 23:23

Well in my case I was also working full time and similar issues
were there so you can't just attribute it to 'SAHM matyrdom!'

Yes its hard doing a full days work but its also damn hard to be at home - I can only talk from the days off I have had or weekends and that also is very hard.

I think the SAHM coments are therefore a bit of red herring in this discussion.

But Custardo I always appreciate your forthright manner!

Tortington · 04/12/2006 23:26

thank you. appreciation always welcome.

tribpot · 05/12/2006 00:33

He's sleeping in first class - not walking in from a long haul flight in cattle class.

alibauble · 05/12/2006 01:29

Another one here who's h travelled loads and still does. To be honest, jetlag is bad, but life has to carry on. He'll probably be back in at work on the Monday so to get over jetlag you're actually better carrying on as normal and going to bed at the normal time. Believe me it works, and I've done transatlantic on my own with two small boys. Upgraded too - he'll probably get a proper bed. I think the suggestion of you go out to lunch is a great idea. Arrange it with the friends that you were originally having to your house. I'm sure there's probably a child friendly place you can all go to and that way your out of the house and still having fun.
I'm just jaded as today's my wedding anniversary and H got summoned away on urgent business yesterday and off he went.

octobermum · 05/12/2006 08:23

VoluptuaGoodshag

Sorry is jet lag any worse then having to look after his kids (aged 2 + 3) and as alibauble said "To be honest, jetlag is bad, but life has to carry on. He'll probably be back in at work on the Monday so to get over jetlag you're actually better carrying on as normal and going to bed at the normal time. Believe me it works."

You don't have a break from children. I would expect my dh to be able to cope for a few hours on what sounds like a rare occasion for you.

sarahinphuket · 05/12/2006 08:35

for what it's worth the jetlag flying back from the Far East to the UK is not too bad - I fly from Thailand to UK at least once a year on my own (ie no DP/H) with my DD (3). I get virtually no sleep on the journey and we arrive at Manchester at 0700...but I still manage to function for the rest of the day. So I would say bollocks to his jetlag excuse, especially as he will be in first class FFS!

Anyway, if he is jetlagged the worst possible thing he could do would be to go to bed when he arrives...you are supposed to try and fit back into the time frame ASAP.

LittleSarah · 05/12/2006 10:12

I really think jetlag is a pathetic excuse, people sometimes have to go a little further for the people in their lives, even if they are tired/stressed, etc.

Suck. It. Up.

PetitFilou1 · 05/12/2006 13:45

My dh has just come back from a 10 day trip to the States. He had a bed on the way back but didn't sleep because there was a loud drunk American in the seat next to him - so he is still knackered despite being in first class or whatever it was and he is (for once) actually more tired than me (I work part time and have ds 2.10 and dd 15 months).
I think longer term you need to sort this issue out as you sound like you are going to explode at some point - and I know what that feels like. But in the short term, I'd cancel it saying his trip was extended and he'll be crap company. If it was my dh he'd appreciate me cancelling it and I'd have a happier husband. If the shoe was on the other foot I'd be really fed up if I got home knackered, needing to sort out my stuff, wanting to be with my family and had to pretend to be sociable.

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 05/12/2006 15:43

Thanks for all the comments folks - we had a discussion about it and he's agreed that he was being a bit self centred and also that effort needs to be made else we'd never see anybody. The only down side is that he may have to extend his stay even further so shan't be home til after the event. Although I still intend to go ahead with it even if he can't make it home in time.

There are a lot of other underlying issues which relate to his work too but I can't be bothered going way into that just now.

OP posts:

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