What should I do? I have feelings for him.

[valerie1010]

We are two friends that had really been put through the wringer the last few years with past relationships who had both decided we had definitely had enough of dating and relationships. He's always been a sounding board for me with men, and he was so sweet and a good listener but I nevr fancied him at all. He had always fancied me, and over a few drinks we decided the way out of our dating dilemmas (I never saw him as boyfriend material) was to enjoy a casual hookup with each other.

We did that 5 weeks ago and we liked it a lot and I admit I went from not fancying him at all to actually really fancying him a lot, so did it again and again and now we spend 1 -2 nights together a week, and usually have a date of some sort rather than just sex. We always stay together the whole night and the whole next day for as long as work schedule allows.

We are very affectionate, hold hands, kiss, cuddle a lot, we talk quite a lot when we're not together, and don't really "sext", it's more along the lines of "I miss you" or "how is your day going?" and we've had little chats and agreed neither of us is seeing anyone else. Our family and friends know we are a "thing" of some sort and we've both said we feel affection and attachment to each other beyond sex.

It's just sort of evolved into this over a few weeks with little discussion and it's hard for me as I never usually sleep with men unless I am in a relationship so at times it makes me feel a bit low.

What I am worried about is that I genuinely feel like a relationship and connection is growing here and I am quite conscious of the fact that when we got together it was on an agree casual basis and that I'm not his girfriend, but increasingly would actually like to be.

I feel like my head is doing summersaults since I started to feel this way and it's caused me to be a bit worried that he sees me as a fuck buddy while I am seeing him as a potential.

Do I just go with the flow a bit for a while longer and spend more time together and see what happens?

You are clearly falling for him! You have a lovely thing going on! It seems you are worried about getting increasingly drawn in emotionally and you think that because you first agreed to be casual he might not feel the same. What is stopping to have a good talk with him? I would ask him how he feels, how involved he is in the relationship. Something along the lines: ' I feel things have evolved between us, I wonder where you stand now?' In my experience men tend to take clues from the woman, check where she is and then follow through in the same directions. So if you want to really know you have to hold on and let him say how he feels first. Hope you are on the same page. If not better cut your loses before too much involvement.

I think this can be solved with a very quick conversation or even a text. It also sounds like you will get the answer you want - he is not treating you like a fuckbuddy.

Just a 'I must admit I have feelings for you and this is turning into more than just sex for me' sentence would quickly clear up the problem. He'll probably say 'Me too' and you can both be happy. If by some chance he doesn't, it's better to know now.

I know a frank discussion is in order, but too soon?

I have skirted around the issue a little. Have said things to him and his response is always that he feels the same, or "me too". He tends to make jokes in serious conversations which doesn't help. Last night he said to me that he's done this one before and did I want to know how that ended up. I said "yes", and he said "we ended up together for a year and lived together". I think he is just so relaxed and takes each day as it comes and I need a little bit of reasurance that I am not over-investing.

It does feel a bit early for the conversation I probably need to have but at times I feel like beng with him is hard because I just want to hear him say he wants more.hortly and I want to

Sorry about the garbled end of that message. Phone fart.

I don't feel like he treats me like a fuck buddy. He dashed up the stairs for an extra kiss goodbye this morning and we were hugging and so sad to leave each other and texting "miss you" after we'd gone.

I just feel like the physical has come before the emotional and I feel vulnerable, exposed and pretty scared of being hurt!

I have no idea really if he treats every girl like this and I am reading more into it.

For you and him to be emotionally in tune seems to be most important. Needing to feel emotionally secure is important for women. For me without it I would not be able to have a good sexual relationship for long. I now choose my relationships accordingly.

So you have 2 possibilities you either have this discussion and end your emotional turmoil or you don't and keep feeling insecure.

You are already in a relationship! You just want it to be verbalised, and of course you do. I met my DH on-line and so I guess at the start he didn't know if I was seeing anyone else (I wasn't) and he dealt with it perfectly ...he just gave me a big hug and asked me if he could be my boyfriend. And I said Yes. Done! If I was in your shoes, I would bring this up very soon. When you are snuggled up together, tell him how you feel and tell him that you want to be exclusive. He will be over the moon. And then you can really enjoy what sounds to be a lovely, promising relationship. Good luck!

Yes thanks Mum I think the issue at my end is that casual sex a few times without the emotional security is ok, but after more than a few times I have started to find it hard to endure. I don't want a very long one night stand.

I don't think we are already in a relationship if I am honest. It feels like we have bits of one and are missing bits of one. I'd probably define it more as a hookup than a relationship and it's not really what I want.

I did tell him I wanted to be exclusive, and I think he'd said it before a few times that he hated the idea of me with someone else, and he was happy when I said it but he also turned the conversation into a light one as it he was avoiding the heavy element of the talk.

Some of it is good and some of it is bad.

I am feeling a little resistance and I don't want to be clingy or needy but also just want to feel some emotional security in continuing to see each other so it's difficult.

You're already in a relationship, you know it!

Could you tell him , or if not text him (after he'd run back for another kiss would be a perfect time...) and say "you're starting to feel like my boyfriend and I quite like it.. Do you fancy being it officially?xx"

I honestly feel, from conversations pieced together, that if I did that right now he'd run a mile or tell me to go with the flow or whatever.

So what if you went the other way, said you were finding it too hard to be the way you are and you'd rather go back to being friends? Would he really let you walk away? It's funny how this guy was your best friend and you could talk to him before about most things but not this (not funny at all though really!). How do you feel? Would you rather go back to friends if it can't move forward?

Thanks for replying honey I really feel all over the place.

I have actually done that. His response was to be very sad, then to phone me to tell me he missed me and that it was way more than sex for him, that he cared about me a lot etc. I ended up back in bed with him within a week but there's not any actual change. Being honest, if i properly walk away, and stand my ground...no I don't think he would let me go. I think he does have feelings for me too.

He definitely wasn't my best friend before this, but we were friends on a loose basis who texted a lot. Was always him generally trying to get me to go out with him! But not in a pestering way, more like he just felt we would work well together. You're right though, and I did used to feel like i could talk to him about anything and now find it actually really hard.

We talked a bit last night and I asked him what the heck this "no strings" fixation he has is all about and how he thinks it will work in the practical world and he said he didn't know and he guessed it was about self protection. That he was tired of women rejecting him or whatever and this way he doesn't have to feel hurt. He said he's not been with many girls and just got tired of being shat on.

Then he said a few things that really upset me. First one was he said his friends were fascinated by our "thing" because they were so used to him jumping right into relationships. That made me feel awful because I felt like this meant I was worth less than the other girls or worth less effort and he said it like he was oblivious. Then I invited him to a party with me and he laughed it off instead of responding. Then I told him I'd been for dinner with my old boss a few days ago and he asked if we hooked up! It made me feel awful lie he thought i was a whore or something. I asked him in all the time he'd known me if I'd ever hooked up with anyone and he said no and he was sorry he'd just wanted to know.

He fell asleep shortly after that and I found myself crying because I was so hurt that he'd mocked me after I couldn't sleep. Being him, he woke up and sensed I was upset but I wouldn't / couldn't exlain that the things he had said made me feel hurt and small and in all other ways he is so affectionatre and kind and considerate but I just don't feel woooed! I feel hurt a lot of the time.

Maybe what I need to do is sit down and explain everything in this thread to him and then walk away and see what he does, but on the other hand he's clearly a bit scared himself and I wonder if just leaving it a few more weeks for him to adjust to us being a couple might be helpful.

What I am really dreading in the holiday season because I really don't want to be someone's sex buddy over that period where being single is already a little depressing.

Yes, if it can't move forward, if it is going to continue like it is for longer than say a month or two then I definitely would rather walk away because I am wasting my time

I think you're right. Those things he said were upsetting. Is it bravado? I think you were also right in that you need to have a conversation along the lines of what you've said on here - how it's making you feel (cheap, unimportant and more and more unhappy). Tell him you want to be more important than a FWB and if he doesn't want that you should stop it now as it's starting to hurt. If he likes you and cares for you it shouldn't be a problem, but if he won't step up for you you may as well walk away now as get more upset.

Fingers crossed for you.

I really don't know what he was thinking when he said those things. I partly think he has no idea how much I actually like him and I partly think he is a little bit clueless and a typical bloke on that front. He's the least manipulative person I've ever met so I think whatever comes out is what he's thinking.

Thanks honey, I will try and sleep on it and think about what to do.