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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH odd hours

20 replies

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 13:43

He stays up til 2am most nights with a bottle of wine and this morning he was on the couch at 5.30am....he thought he must have been sleepwalking. I have tried to discuss the 2.00am business. He says he is watching Desperate Housewives.
He was in bed at 1.30am but when I woke up at 5.30am he was not there. When his alarm went off, I called down the stairs and he appeared.
We are starting couples councelling next week. There has been a lot of fighting.
Am I being a mug

OP posts:

mum2mum99 · 16/10/2015 14:08

Sounds like my ex. What is he avoiding? Do you still have any kind of intimacy? It must be a lonely place Lola...

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 14:25

He wont really initiate sex. we give on another a chaste kiss before bed. it feels like there is nothing left. its like been scrapped off a plate really

OP posts:

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 14:26

he wont tell me anything. I have tried to address this carry on but I get a blank wall and after a night of coming to bed at 11 or so, by the next he is back to it all again.

OP posts:

mum2mum99 · 16/10/2015 14:44

"he wont tell me anything. I have tried to address this carry on but I get a blank wall"
You are entitled to an answer! The fact that he is won't answer you in itself is abusive. He needs to get the urgency of the situation. An ultimatum maybe?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2015 14:47

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you together at all, what does he bring to your life?.

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 15:13

I have just called him and tried to explain that this is our life...what does it amount to. he tells me he is stressed and tired....well duh...2am bed times will do that. Multi million dollar contracts and so on. He once brought me great love and warmth but I seem to be living with a machine

OP posts:

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 15:17

I feel he is forcing me to the ultimatum that he will then reverse into his victim status. If I go, he won't get any lead time. It will just finish there and then but he doesn't think I will. We are abroad with his job...we have a 8 year old daughter she is in school here. It was all meant to be a great opportunity but it has turned into this half life. Is there even any point crying about this?

OP posts:

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 15:18

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Norest · 16/10/2015 15:27

On it's own I would not be too worried personally regarding staying up late or even sleeping on the couch. I love my time to myself and often stay in a different room to my partner, or take time to just mooch doing writing, reading or other 'me' stuff, sometimes till the early hours.

It really used to annoy me when a previous partner didn't understand that I needed the time to myself and was perfectly happy, and had no issues with him which meant I was avoiding him. He wanted me to come to bed at the same time and lights out at the same time. I found it suffocating.

That being said, too many late nights, especially with wine and stress sounds like there is more to it than just wanting some time to himself.

What have you usually been like over your time together with regards to bedtimes and time to yourselves? What else is happening with regards to how you communicate / are intimate, emotionally and in other ways?

mum2mum99 · 16/10/2015 15:33

"He once brought me great love and warmth but I seem to be living with a machine"

Lola do you still love him?
In changing job and couple counselling an option (if you still have feelings for him).
"Is there even any point crying about this?" : You seem to be already grieving this relationship. And no you are not overreacting!

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 15:42

i do love him. not sure he feels the same way about me. I get very little demonstrative evidence of it.

OP posts:

mum2mum99 · 16/10/2015 15:48

I guess you can find your answers to 'does he still love me' in words, which he won't do.
Or you can find through actions so what he is prepared to do to save the marriage

ravenmum · 16/10/2015 16:19

Sleepwalking, right. Do you think he might be using his alone time to communicate with someone?

mysteryknickers · 16/10/2015 16:24

When my exh did this he was depressed and his business was collasping.

Talking to him made little difference. He was stuck in a pattern.

This is not a helpful post except to say that I know where you are coming from and its a lonely place. You can't change him unfortunately. The change has to come from him.

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 17:10

The response from him seems to be that I am the problem, the source of unhappiness. My suspicion is that he is communicating with someone. I just need him to admit it or something. CHange is not his biggest forte

OP posts:

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/10/2015 17:17

myssteryknickers it is helpful. I don't know how to express or understand what is happening

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 17/10/2015 00:12

Is he an alcoholic? Is he staying up to drink and then getting too drunk to get to bed? It's not normal.

ravenmum · 17/10/2015 10:31

Blaming it on you might be a form of diversion, to take the focus off something he feels bad about. Not necessarily deliberately.

If you want to get anything out of him you have to give him a way to admit things but not seem like a complete shit when he does. For instance, if you thought he was drinking you might say how you understand why he might turn to drink to deal with stress, and that you're prepared to stand by and help him. That way you're saying you don't judge him badly, and that you're not just going to explode and dump him if he does tell the truth ... that would make you more prepared to admit something, right?

If you think he might be cheating ... what if he does want out of the marriage? Ignoring the crap about how it's your fault, do YOU want to stay with him? Is HE giving you what you need? If not ... a breakup is always sad, but it's not always bad. Maybe you don't need to fight it/him, and could forget the combative bit - in which case he might be a bit more forthcoming. Do you think you could manage a frank yet unjudgemental discussion (even though he evidently is not there yet)?

maras2 · 17/10/2015 11:24

Check his phone,look for a second phone and hack his emails.I would.Good luck.

Katedotness1963 · 17/10/2015 11:59

I have terrible insomnia and (apart from the wine) his night sounds like mine. Can't settle, can't get to sleep, fall asleep after DH, waken after about three hours, can't get back to sleep, get up to avoid wakening DH.

Do you think he might be depressed?

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