Feel like me and DH are about to split and feel desperately sad

[BruiseViolet]

DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 8 and have one DD aged 7. Over the past couple of years things have been increasingly rocky – brought on by lots of things. We both work f/t but I do everything else – cleaning, house stuff, looking after DD – he adores DD but does virtually nothing with regards to the practical side of being a dad. Over the past couple of years I have become more and more resentful of this and have felt totally taken for granted and miserable. DH has also been less and less affectionate, more detached and has accused me repeatedly of being nagging, unreasonable and not “fun” anymore – I feel like I am coping single handedly and am not fun anymore because feel like I am carrying the load of working full time and doing everything else. Also have felt like whenever I have tried to talk to him about his, he has just reacted like I am being a nag and got quite aggressive to the point where there is no point in talking about it.
He has also over the past couple of years become increasingly abusive – verbally, not physically – several times has called me a fucking bitch or told me to fuck off in front of DD which is completely unacceptable and breaks my heart for her. So no matter how much he claims to love DD I do doubt this, as he doesn’t love her enough to not call me a fucking bitch in front of her.
We were going to move back up north (to near where he is from) and he has relocated his business up there so has been living up there (at his dads) for the past few months. He has made very little effort in that time to come back, and every time he has come back he has been distant, unkind, and complained about how much the petrol costs and how long the journey is. He has also been back in touch with an ex of his who lives up there. I gather she is unhappily married and has supposedly been doing his PR for him (his company is just him, based in what is virtually a shed, and the idea of him needing PR is ludicrous). He is coming home tonight (with his mother who is coming to visit for the weekend) and was at a gig last night and have gathered from facebook that the ex was there too, along with several other people he was at school with – meanwhile last night I was grocery shopping and tidying the house to get ready for his mum arriving. He checked himself in at the venue and tagged her and other pepple which I think is hugely insensitive as he is aware I have had concerns about their relationship. And he also says he doesn’t love me anymore.
I have taken legal advice and found out I could divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and that if we sold our house we would have to split the equity equally once the mortgage was paid off. DD will be devastated if we split and the thought of telling her breaks my heart. I don’t know whether I should try and see if we can give our relationship one last chance or if it is beyond salvageable at this stage. Despite everything I still do love him (god knows why) and I don’t want us to split but equally I don’t want to carry on as we are. I just don’t know what to do and feel so lonely and devastated.

To be honest, I think you have already separated in some ways.
He is not living in thouse but more importantly, you and your dd aren't at the forefront of his mind anymore. He seems to living his life as if he was single again (NOt saying he is havung an affair with his ex, more that he is doing what he wants, the way he wants it with little concern for you/your dd).

The issue with trying to have another go is that you both need to want it and he doesn't act as if he wants that.

The one thing I would NOT do is to move where he lives now, remove your support network, have a no job etc...

Do something then, have a trial separation, doing nothing will just mean the status quo, I'd rather upset my daughter for a little bit than have her live in a house house where her dad is calling her much a fucken bitch, how do you think that makes her feel to hear that, if you truly feel for her then do it for her, if not yourself.

Sounds like your marriage ended a while ago and you are staying out of some unhelpful notion that you should stay and stick it out, understandably so but honestly doing something proactive in making that split will lift your spirits and give you strength to see things properly.

I feel very sad for you. He sounds like he's disengaged from your marriage and wants to be single again. I totally agree you shouldn't move up North as you will be very isolated there. I suggest you sit down with him and tell him how unhappy you are and that you are considering separating. His reaction will tell you everything about whether it's worth trying to rebuild the relationship.

Personally I think you and your DC are worth much more than this man. It will be hard to separate but unless he's willing to change, you are in for much more unhappiness. Hugs to you.

Thank you all - especially for the hugs awholelottanosy. I do agree that have been feeling for a while that me and D are worth more than him - feel that I deserve to be loved and appreciated and that DD does not deserve to hear that - I know how she feels when he is abusive to me. And Pacific that is exactly what I have felt - that he is living as if he is single and that we are definitely not his priority anymore, which makes all his claims of loving DD sound rather hollow. The whole point of him moving up north was supposed to be to set up the business while DD finished this school year and I sold the house etc. It is not so much that I feel that I have to stay and stick it out but that I don't want it to end but I feel like I may have no choice, I cant see him ever admitting that he may have been in the wrong, let alone changing.

Sorry to hear that you are going through it too. To be honest in a way I do find it easier when he is not there as I am not tiptoeing around him or waiting for the next outburst, or feel miserable cos he is being unkind. And as for the ex, it still seems a bit convenient - she is unhappily married and all of a sudden her childhood sweetheart reappears, virtually single. The more I think about it the more I feel fucking angry, especially for my DD as she does not deserve any of this. That is good to know about the equity as well. Good luck to you too.

You say you don't know whether to try one last time.

You aren't able to try enough for both of you. Your 'trying' simply means that you carry on doing everything and him doing nothing outside of work and continuing to take from you.

That's no life.

Don't forget, not only is your daughter witnessing his behaviour, she's also witnessing your acceptance of it. This isn't what you'd want to be modeling to your daughter as her aim for a relationship.

I know - I am more than aware that this is absolutely not what I wanted to model to her as what is normal or acceptable in a relationship. And I do agree that continuing would mean him not changing, and me carrying on as I am and still doing everything and I don't think I can do that. I am really really scared though - I am scared of being a single parents (even though I virtually am) and having full responsibility for DD and feel really really really sad as well - but I think I know deep down if we did end it, it would be horrible for a while, DD would be sad, and then we would both move on and get over it - wouldn't we? Am dreading seeing him tonight, alternate between wanting to go to pieces and cry and wanting to punch him for being such a tosser and hurting me and DD. Feel like have tried so hard to be a good mum, a good wife, earning my share of the money (as I knew that financially he would never support me or accept that I work less) and he has never acknowledged my effort, taken me for granted and on top of that sneered at me and called me a bitch. I know if a friend was telling me all this would tell her to LTB asap!

You can't try on your own, and he's not interested in making it better. I think once you're out the other side you will see it for how it really is, and wish you had done it sooner. It does sound like he is moving on, with his 'ex' being a girlfriend (though obviously we don't know, but as you say, PR for an in-shed business?!!), and he's making a new life elsewhere; he doesn't seem to be missing you or making an effort to still be part of your family unit, he can't try very hard if his heart's not in it, even if he does agree to give it a go. Your dd will be happy when you're happy, and you'll be happy when this horrible situation is over. x

To be honest in a way I do find it easier when he is not there as I am not tiptoeing around him or waiting for the next outburst, or feel miserable cos he is being unkind

That for me says it all.

It's normal that you are feeling sad, who wouldn't?
But that's not a reason good enough for you to stay in a relationship that has gone stale.

CouplesTherapyC5 I've reported your post. Are you really trawling relationships boards here to find people ending their marriage just so you can hoik them onto your shitty tv show! Go away. This board is for support, not to help you in your awful Jeremy Kyle job of finding people to parade the ins and outs of their marriage/divorce on telly.

I apologize if I have caused any offence that is not at all the purpose of the programme or my intent in posting a message.

Nobody enjoys a split and it hurts but one person cannot try again, it takes both parties to want to make the effort. He clearly doesn't. He has already checked out of your marriage so it wouldn't surprise me if he was already seeing the other woman.

Definitely do not move up North! If you are going to separate, you will need the stability of your own home and your DD will need the stability of staying in the same school and keeping her friends.

You have to have "the talk" and soon. Tell him you are staying put and want a divorce. I highly doubt he'll be upset. He has told you he doesn't love you. And you deserve to be loved! You will find someone else, trust me.

He's made the decision for you, OP. He's told you what he thinks of you and it was horrible. He's told you he doesn't love you. He's living back at home with all his old school friends while calling you names.

Please don't let him even think you want him to stay. Your life will be a misery if he does. Let him go and accept this is the end. It is sad, but tbh he's behaved so badly that your lives will be much better without him in it.

never take him back. the lousy prick that he is.
in time you'll see it and you'll be delighted to be rid of him.
he's horrible and abusive. a real bastard.
move forward without his abuse in your life.

OP it sounds like he's checkout of your marriage ages ago, he just didn't tell you.

It's all good and well wanting to try and save the relationship, but you can only do that when both of you want to try and save it.

Swearing at you is disrespectful and it is having an effect on your DD, why on earth would you want to salvage this relationship with this abusive person?