Ive decided. How to tell him?

[MumoftheBoulevard]

Hi all. I posted a thread around a week or maybe more ago. I cant find it now. I have had a two year horrible break up with my long term partner and father of my children. Started with him leaving me, denying other women, I found out etc etc I took him back numerous times, he has been mentally ill and violent to me its all got nasty etc.

He is currently back at the family home and we are having our "one last chance". He claims to be desperately in love with me and is having counselling for his issues. He is also on probation for being violent to me. He has been OK really apart from being very clingy. He is also very mistrustful of me.

The bottom line is I was happier on my own. The two years apart although hard at times, I blossomed in myself. I had a couple of short relationships. But more than that I became self sufficient and a very lighthearted happy person. I need to end it with him.

So, whats the best way. Considering he is quite unstable and gets very upset, he is prone to making silly threats. E.g. the children will hate me. I will be part of the "single mum mafia" and have a shit life. I will owe him 50k for his share of the house (we have no equity and I have paid the mortgage on my own since he left). He will kill himself. Its my fault he is mentally ill. Etc etc etc.
So. Text/email/sit down talk? I just want this over its killing me inside.

If he's been violent in the past, you need to be careful. I'd have someone with you when you tell him its over or talk it through in a public place if that would be easier. Whatever you decide, the sooner you resolve this the better. Its depressing being with someone who sucks the life out of you.

Get all your ducks in a row and plan your answers for when he comes up with reasons for not splitting. You need to sound confident, certain and assertive and not to be messed with. And all the best. Its liberating once you've extracted the ex from your life. I remember the feeling of weights lifting and falling away as if it were yesterday. And the joy!

He's been violent towards you so i think normal considerations should go out of the window. Can you pack a bag without him noticing, make sure you and your children have somewhere safe to be and then call, email or text him. Then switch your phone off and talk to a solicitor re. the house (i only suggest you don't stay there because he will know very easily how to find you). Record all communication he has with you - make a note of all phone calls etc - and surround yourself with everyone you can trust to offer you love and support.

It's so so hard and much easier said than done but you will come through this xxx

If you're happier on your own, why do you keep letting him back to try again?

Get support from family/friends, inform police that there may be a situation, and tell him when you have someone with you to back you. Get legal advice beforehand if you can, and know what your options are, so you're prepared.

It's not a negotiation, you don't have to defend why you're ending the relationship to him (or anyone). It's over. Broken record time. Don't engage in explanations or recriminations, just take a firm line and end it. Be prepared to call the police.

Get someone to come over to the house and help you pack his things when he's out. Then call him and tell him. He will probably come and make a lot of noise but as long as you have back up (and kids are elsewhere) you should be ok. If you don't feel safe call the police. And stop listening to his bullshit.

Small update: we have had a huge row this morning over text - I told him I was no longer prepared to put up with him and he needs to move out. He accepted that initially but has since started texting me about what a shame it is etc etc. He has also called me names like selfish cunt, twat etc. So I just know that later on Im in for a row. He also cancelled a workman who was supposed to be coming to the house today to measure up for some work I need doing. Just out of spite. I am really fed up and down, cant wait for it to be over. Thanks to all who posted. To the poster who asked me why I kept having him back time and again the answer is very simple: I loved him and I loved the life we had before he left, it totally blindsided me when he dropped the "speech" on me on Xmas eve. I suppose I was deperately clinging to the possibility he wasnt a total liar and I have kept on flogging the horse far too long I accept that.

He is manipulative, he uses horrendous language towards you, and has shown you that he and his violent temper cannot be trusted. can you PLEASE ensure that you are not alone when he returns home today. You need another sensible adult on hand. First sign of trouble, ask him to leave, and call the police if he won't.

Thanks for the response City Mole. I know it makes me shiver to think of how nasty he is. Uses very overly sexual language as well. Just vile. Im depressed that he will be coming to my home later on :( dreading it.

What has happened this evening? I hope you are okay. Please try and get some time out with you little ones and get somewhere safe x

ah thank you Stars for the concern. I and the children are fine. Well he came home, older DD was next door playing, little DD was playing in her room; Id cooked tea and eaten it alone but set him a plate aside so I wasnt seen to be being mean. He actually was very nice and said if I wasnt happy he would accept defeat and arrange alternative accommodation. He said he hoped that we could " date " still and be a couple just not living together. So he is now focused on finding a flat. Im hopeful. Thanks all x

he's very manipulative and abusive, isn't he?
he's feeding you a line. be very careful. if you keep taking him back you will never get anywhere.
tread VERY carefully when binning him. i must say, i'm worried he will become more violent. can you get some support from social services, family, friends or the police?

he has to go. for good.
none of this 'dating' either'. why would you date someone who calls you a cunt and hits you?
please be strong and get him out of your life.
if you don't make a stand your life will be like this until your or his death, whichever is the soonest.

He seems quite set on moving out Muck. I do agree Im extremely wary of him at the moment and he seems to change tack quite quickly. He is very standoffish today and seems quite unbothered about me in contrast to yesterday when he was texting me constantly all day! Oh well the sooner I can get off his rollercoaster the better!

good that you're wary. stay on your toes there.

honestly though - i would not be confident that he will go just because he looks busy trying to find somewhere else to live. that could be a ruse.
i wouldn't be able to be confident until he and his stuff are physically out of the house and the locks on the doors are changed.

this up and down of his moods is about him continuing to control you and having you tiptoe around on eggshells.

you do not have to continue to live like this with a bully and abuser. keep going forward and working towards getting him out of the house.

he's never going to change. never. look to the future - don't be that old lady who was beaten off the 4 walls for 50 years and still won't end it. you're doing the right thing by binning him completely.

and i'm stunned that he has the fucking nerve to ask if you can keep dating. that is crazy. he sounds a bit unhinged to be honest.