alcoholic daughter in law

[emmveetee281]

My daughter in law (mid 30's) has been an alcoholic for several years and it is getting steadily worse. Now we have discovered she is also taking drugs. Our grandchildren are 8 and 5 and and witnessed me being subjected to an unprovoked and unwarranted violent verbal attack full of expletives and threats from her very recently. They had been staying the night with us as per usual but she suddenly decided to come and get them at 9pm - the youngest barricaded himself under our kitchen table and screamed he wouldn't go home with her. She often consumes as much as a bottle of wine at lunchtime and then drives to collect them from school. She then can drink as much as two more bottles at night to the point of oblivion. She is also on Prozac. We and her friends have urged her to seek help but she denies she has a problem and lies to the doctors. I feel duty bound to alert the children's schools a) to her drinking problem ( fast becoming a topic of gossip) and b) to the emotional damage she is causing by the regular outbursts. But I am afraid they will inform social services and the children taken into care. She has been separated from our son for the past few months and he works in London 3 - 4 days a week and resides with us at weekends while he finds a place of his own. He has the children alternate weekends and often as the time comes for the children to be returned to their mother they cry. Should i remain silent as I am only the grandparent? I would appreciate a teachers advice.

If you contact the school, which seems a pointless thing to do, they will contact SS.

Wouldn't your son do better to arrange for the children to spend more time with him?

Every other weekend seems a bit lame, when the children are apparently subjected to a drunken/drigtakung mother.

I don't think you're 'only the grandparent', it sounds like they need you very much with this going on and that something has to be sorted out as this situation sounds horrendous for them.
Would your son try and get custody? It seems they shouldnt be with their mum until she seeks help and I probably would ask to speak to speak to the school confidentially and ask for advice. Hopefully someone else has more experience than me though!

Also surely they won't be taken into care unless no family will take them- wouldn't they just give custody to your son? I have no experience but he is their parent too?

Arrange for her to pick up the kids. Ring the police and tell them there is a drunk driver. Get her arrested ASAP.

I'd try talking to the other GPs if poss.

They might have the same concerns as you. If both families can put up a joint front than you might find the inevitable SS intervention a lot loess stressful for all parties - bar the drunk.

SS may remove the children but would most likely place them with their father or you as family has to be considered as a first option. The first priority here is to safeguard the children and ensure they are as protected from what is happening as possible. I would speak to the school as a first point of contact. (I am a SW btw)

Why would they go
In to care. Surely your son should have stepped in by now and arranged to have the dcs. If he won't hes an arsehole. I couldn't stabd back and let my gc go
Into care.

The first point is stopping her drunk driving esp. with the kids in the car.

Then you can work on the other stuff.

Arrange for her to pick up the kids. Ring the police and tell them there is a drunk driver. Get her arrested ASAP.

That would be a lovely thing fir dcs to witness.

What on earth is your son doing only seeing them eow while this is going on?

Better to see their mum arrested than be killed by her drink driving!

Why isn't he looking after them? He is their parent? If she is reluctant, understandably, to give up care, then report her to the police when she is drunk driving. Your son needs to become the main parent now. This isn't school's problem its your son's problem that he needs to sort out by taking the kids , finding somewhere to live and arranging for care whilst he works away or changing jobs.

Erm, what is your son doing about all this? He'll need to find a job where he can have his children all the time if all this is going on!

Why isn't your son stepping in OP?

Why would they get taken into care when they have a perfectly able father and grandparent?

The main thing is to get these kids to safety and they are not safe in the full care (apart from one weekend in two) of an alcoholic mother, who drinks to the point of oblivion and who drives drunk with the children in the car. Not only that but the kids are clearly distressed and frightened to the extent that one of them barricades himself under a table!!!

You need to alert anyone who will listen and get these kids away from their mother immediately. It might just be the kick up the arse she needs to sort herself out, but your first priority must be the children's safety.

You and your son need to stop prevaricating and do something, fast.

These children need to be with a responsible adult and that is clearly not their mother.

Where is their dad, your son, in all this?. They need to be with their dad. Why are these children being left at all with their alcoholic mother every other weekend?.

Has your son sought legal advice with regards to divorce?.

Yes - your son needs to step up to the plate on this one immediately.

Leaving aside any other issues for the moment and from what you're saying, she could be driving the car drunk this very afternoon. The fact that she still has her licence and that the children and others are unharmed so far is only by chance.

Where is their dad, your son, in all this?. They need to be with their dad. Why are these children being left at all with their alcoholic mother every other weekend?.

My understanding is that are with the mother all the time - the father only has them 'every other weekend'.

Why the fuck is your son leaving his children with her and only seeing them every other weekend? He needs to step up.

If you care about these kids, you and he need to report her - not be frightened of them being taken into care. The emotional damage that's being done to them (not to mention the risk to life and limb every time she drives them home drunk) should be your primary concern.

So apart from getting his mummy to ask on MN, what IS the children's father doing?

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. You must get SS involved you just must. These children are at a huge risk not just physically but emotionally.
SS are very likely to look at housing within the family that's the preference and at this point you also need to be reporting your daughter in law to the police for drink driving she is a risk to the community as a whole and I doubt you'd forgive yourself if something happened. These type of situations will only escalate and although she won't thank you, you must act. I too am very lost as to why your son is not resolving this but often people only see what they want to and if he is caught up in his own life then maybe he doesn't want to acknowledge how awful this must be for his children.
Please act this is not a case of not getting involved it's your duty to protect these children if neither parent will step up.

I can't understand why your son isn't doing more? If I knew someone was driving my child when drunk I would be on the phone to the police and social services quicker than anything. Why isn't he fighting for them?

Yes, he is seeking legal advice today.

Thanks to everyone for their comments and advice - I'll pass them on my son! there is another problem in that she is a New Zealander and her family aren't here to help but would fly her and the kids out there in a heartbeat so we have to tread carefully or risk losing them completely.