Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How can I help my friend with his DM

14 replies

Tomfoolerywot · 16/10/2015 11:53

I've come across this a few times and never had the solution.

My friend is in his early 20s, a student and lives at home. His DM is early 50s and has been upsetting him through her attitude. According to him, she is constantly commanding him to get a job, do things around the house and stop the computer programming he so loves.

He's got a good business idea but says he feels unsupported and just generally down because she is so unsympathetic. He's joined the gym and sometimes goes with her but otherwise I think they have little in common.

Moving out isn't an option until he finishes his studies. I went through a similar thing with my mum until I moved out...we just got on each others' nerves.

For those of you with young adult DSes...what can they do to make you happy?

OP posts:

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 16/10/2015 12:25

Really? Are you serious?

Of course you're not.

But, on the off chance you are being serious, then I have your 'solution'. He should take a break from the computer programming he 'loves' so much and help around the house in the way normal adults with a even a small sense of responsibility do. And he can get a job too so he can save some money and eventually move out.

Then he can go on Dragons' Den and pitch his business idea. A million pounds for 2% of the company sounds reasonable and I'm sure Peter Jones will bite his hand off.

BYOSnowman · 16/10/2015 12:28

Er, what are they supposed to have in common? She's his mum, not his wife

Although if they were a married couple she would be advised to kick the cocklodger out

Original poster

Tomfoolerywot · 16/10/2015 15:10

Those are really unhelpful posts.

OP posts:

paulapompom · 16/10/2015 15:18

Would he look for a part-time job op? If he can program he should be in demand. Would give him some cash, time away from DM and could even help his business idea. Or some voluntary work could be good.

Re adult children making dms happy, for me it's just being tidy/considerate etc.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/10/2015 15:20

Completely normal for parents and their adult children to get on each others nerves, especially when the adult child is still being supported by their parents, not pulling their weight at home and expecting to be treated like an adult all at the same time.

He is a adult living at home being supported by his parents. He should be doing at the very least his fair share around the home.

If his computer programming is just a hobby and not part of his uni coursework he has free time which he should be using productively to earn some money/get work experience so he can start save or partially supporting himself.

Parents want to see their children grow and become responsible and independent, his dm is nagging encouraging him to do this but he obviously likes the cushy life instead. Sorry, but time your friend grew up.

Joysmum · 16/10/2015 15:26

I agree with the others.

I had a job, had set chores, and went to college.

Then I went to uni as a mature student trying to run my own home and work.

If he feels he's doing his fair share at home and the ad hoc chores are hard to cope with. He should tell his mum he wants his own regular responsibilities to help him better manage his time.

If he doesn't have a job he should get one.

If the programming isn't part of his studies he should drop that until he's completed his course and has a full time job paying his own way in life, or better still, got his own place.

pallasathena · 17/10/2015 12:39

I think you need a reality check! Parents have rights too you know and contrary to popular opinion, don't actually relish the thought of their offspring morphing into self obsessed twits with equally self obsessed twits for girlfriends.

Grow up.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/10/2015 12:42

Hilarious!
Maybe if he wants to be treated like an adult he should behave like one?

loveyoutothemoon · 17/10/2015 15:26

If he wants to stay in her house (presumably rent free) then he needs to pull his weight!

SilverOldie2 · 17/10/2015 15:58

Bizarre. If you're for real, as an adult it's not at all unreasonable to expect him to contribute to the household, both by getting a job and doing his share of the housework.

I'm now taking bets on the OP never returning to her thread since she doesn't like the replies.

Original poster

Tomfoolerywot · 17/10/2015 16:10

He does do the housework I'm not sure where I gave the impression he didn't. What I'm after are other ways he can be considerate.

OP posts:

Optimist1 · 17/10/2015 16:18

Well you did say he took exception to being asked to do things round the house, OP, which is what gave the impression he doesn't do the housework. He can be considerate by making a plan to become an adult instead of a dependent man-child. This would involve, as PPs have said, earning a living and becoming independent.

Tutt · 17/10/2015 16:24

Except for the ages it could be my house!!!
There is nothing wrong with a Mum asking/telling her child to get a job REGARDLESS of business ideas... ideas don't help pay the bills.
If he is in his 20's why on earth is he not contributing?
As for housework haha he should be pulling his weight, if he can spend all that time on his computer then he can spare some to help clean the house where I pressume he lives rent free, eats for free, has internet access for free do I need to go on!

MyNewBearTotoro · 17/10/2015 16:38

Does he have any money coming in (part-time job? Student loan?) and if so does he contribute part of it to food or bills etc? Even if he doesn't have much cash to contribute a significant amount then even just buying a special dessert or treating his Mum to a take-away or meal out occasionally is a nice gesture.

How much housework does he do? Does he do it without being asked? There's a difference between begrudgingly doing housework his Mum has asked him to do and noticing the washing up needs doing or the bathroom needs cleaning and just doing it. Maybe he could set aside half an hour (at least!) each day to doing some housework he hadn't been asked to do but knows will need doing at some point - hoovering, washing up, cleaning bathroom, changing beds, mowing lawn etc. If he makes himself somewhat indispensable in terms of being a help around the house his Mum will likely like him living there more.

Does he eat with his Mum? Does he share the cooking? Could he cook for her a few times a week? Find out what she likes and make it. Or if he's a cooking novice ask her to teach him, then that also becomes a thing they can do together.

Which brings me on to my last point. How much time does he spend with her? Does he spend time talking to her, watching TV or playing a game or eating a meal together? Or is he mainly in his room on his computer? Most people much prefer to live with someone if they can enjoy their company rather than feeling like you are running a hotel for a guest. So trying to build s relationship with his Mum by making time for her (even if at first it is awkward or he feels he has little in common with her) would be a good first step.

He needs to stop seeing his Mum just as his Mum but as an adult who he's sharing a house with. That means he should be doing a roughly equal amount of the housework, cooking etc and contributing money where he can. But most importantly (I think) is being a person his Mum likes to live with because he is good company and not just putting up with because he is her son and he has nowhere else to go.

Flip