Reasons not to tell the DW her DH is cheating on her

[DoorToTheRiver]

I know both the DW and DH and I know for a fact he is cheating on her and has done previously.

So as not to drip feed I know for a fact because a friend of mine knows the current OW. I know a friend of the DH and he has told me about the excuses the DH made when he was seeing previous OW. So he had it from the horses mouth.

However, I won't tell the DW but I think she has a right to know.

A lot of posters say on threads like these they would rather know but I don't know that this DW would rather know. She might be one of those who would rather not know. So how can I tell her if I don't know if she would want to know or not. I am about as sure as I can be she doesn't know and that they don't have an open marriage etc.

I would also feel responsible for all the hurt caused if I told her something she might stay totally oblivious too. If she never finds out then she won't get hurt by it but if I tell her she does. They have kids as well.

So I know why I won't tell her. But when I see her and she speaks well of her DH I think he's a piece of shit and she has a right to know and make her own choice.

Just tell her, he could be passing on any number of nasty diseases.

I would feel indirectly responsible for her pain if I was the one to tell her

It's not about you, the slight discomfort you'd feel is nothing compared to her pissing her life away on him

I feel sorry for DW and I would hate to be in her shoes knowing people knew.

I would not tell her anonymously, I feel it would be unfair. She might have questions and she would wonder who it was too.

It would be awkward for me socially if I was the one to tell.

I don't know her well enough to know if she is contented or not. But she might be and she may not want her life devastated by me telling her.

I can see there are ways I could check the DH does tell her if I went down that route.

I don't know her well enough to have the 'If your partner was cheating would you want to know' conversation without it being blatant why I was asking. Not really sure if there's anyone else I could ask.

I guess I was looking for reasons not to tell her, to validate my decision not to say anything.

However, most of you think I should tell her so I'm not sure now what to do.

I think this has it down.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201008/should-you-tell-your-friend-his-or-her-partner-is-cheating

To the best of your knowledge, with as objective a view of a friend, people should judge whether their friend WOULD want to know and do their best with that.

If you do not know the person well enough to say, then you cannot make this judgement and do not have the right to decide on their behalf. This striked me as a good rule of thumb.

Sadly, I know of plenty of people who have cheated on their partners (throughout the course of a life). I would be exhausted and a one woman relationship scythe if I thought it was my duty to go round exposing this. It would also damage me in the long run, I'm sure.

It feels to me there are people more appropriate you should be dwelling over this, rather than you. These things will tend to out on their own, or fizzle away.

Tell her.

Tell her that you are more than happy for this to never be mentioned again if it makes things awkward, but that you feel youd want to know if it was the other way round, and if she ever wants to talk or needs a bit of support, then to let you know

OP - would you want someone to tell you if you were being cheated on?

If she's not a friend of yours and you don't have first hand evidence, I'd keep out of it to be honest.
You don't know enough about these people to be the one to make that call.
If you do, you'll just end up being called the shit stirrer.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

I wouldn't want to know. And yes, I have been cheated on.

Dad I don't wish to send anything anonymously as I don't feel it is fair nor do I wish to post a letter in case the DH sees it.

However, I think a letter might be the way to go, if I did choose to tell her, which would be less humiliating for the DW. If I just wrote down the details I have and mentioned a couple of people who could back up the details as well then gave her the letter personally she could read it privately herself. She can come back to me if she wanted to. Thank you for your suggestion.

Blood I honestly don't know her well enough to be able to judge if she would want to know or not. Hence part of my problem - she may well not want to know.

In many ways I feel it is none of my business but it's brought home to me when I see her that I would hate people to not tell me if I was in her shoes. I feel for her and think it's unfair on her but I would rather stay out of it.

I do think it would profoundly affect me if I told her and innocent people got hurt as a result. Thank you.

Hello yes I would want to know if I was in the DW's position.

Sixty she's not a friend more someone I will say hello to and chat to if I see her. I have details about his cover stories for seeing previous OW and I know who the current OW is. I can also tell her 2 or 3 people who would back up the details I can give her. Obviously the DH could deny it all.