Could really do with some hand holding . End of summer romance and i fell for himx

[Throughthestorm]

Ive been on here a couple of times re my ? summer fling or more sorry !
Anyway in brief I was married 25 years and not happily.
been separated almost 2 years.
Met a guy also in a 25 yr relationship separated 18 months .
We started out as friends with lots in common- made each other smile a lot .
He was always upfront about moving abroad where he commutes to work.
Said he would be gone in sept.
Friendship turned to romance and we actually said we were prob both on the rebound and in his words - if its meant to be its meant to be.
We did have the exclusive talk.
Ive buried my head in the sand about his move which he seemed not to talk about much recently .
He has a son here aged 18 and family and has commuted for years .
Said he would be home for Christmas and we celebrated and made plans to do some chrismassy things.
In the summer we talked about meeting dc ect .
Anyway to cut to the quick he has stopped texting me every morning ( always has done for 7 months wherever he is in the world )
Ive noticed hes backed off.
When we are together Im reassured because he holds my hands and we just get on so well .
He calls me when hes landed anywhere to let me know hes safe and I almost feel like we have real relationship.
He makes little effort recently tho to keep in touch ( I know hes seriously busy but never stopped him before ).
Please don't say its about the sex- for him definitely its not top of his agenda-weve slept together several times, and gone from extremely nervous ( after both being with same person for 25 yrs ) to very nice and beautiful .
Were going away tomorrow night for my birthday and staying over in hotel .
On the phone last night he told me hes moving jan feb regardless of whether his house sells .

It sunk it that i am no longer any sort of priority in his life and he has absolutely no plans for a future with me .
I know he never said he would but he did imply that he didn't expect to feel like this and plans can change- and 6/7 months isn't a long time for a hugely successful businessman to make life changing decisions based on a new romance.
Reading this it wont bring across the happiness we have shared this summer - I mean real beautiful long sunny days holding hands listening to music on a blanket in the park. Weve watched sunsets and got up for sunrises and slept curled up in a car all night just because we wanted to be together ! ect ect
Its over tho .
It was as we said a summer romance .
I think we were both hurting and found an amazing place together for a while .
Weve made some wonderful memories and dare I say it prob helped each other move on .
Trouble is ive fallen in love with him.
He hasn't with me and his priorty is once again his business which is huge and his ambition which doesn't include me .
Pls don't judge me but it was me who suggested the hotel tomorrow night because ive never felt like I do with him when DTD .
Its because ive fallen in love with him hugely - I mean I really care for this guy .
He says he doesn't want to hurt me and before you judge him I haven't told him I love him either . Ive been too afraid too .
Im sure he doesn't love me .
I didn't know hed made a firm decision re moving until after id booked our hotel ( I honestly thought it was on hold ) .
Now I know morally I need to end this.
Im planning on doing it with whatever dignity I can and would love some hand holding please and advice.
Its going to hurt me sooo much and for a while im going to wish id never met him.
However weve both made some fab memories .
I haven't dated since I was 17 ( now 45 ) so I have to walk away now not in another 4months when he goes ?
How can I ever hope to gain respect off a partner if I don't respect myself right ?
If he loved me hed find a way right ?
So --- when we meet tomorrow he said he wanted to take me for a walk along the river before dinner and im going to tell him ?
Im worried ill cry because I really don't think he knows how much I love him although he must have an idea.
Im going to thank him for a wonderful summer and tell him im going back to the hotel and staying on my own.
I shall allow myself the entire night to wallow cry and drink the champagne and return home where I can concentrate on being a good mum ( whilst having some self respect ).I shall wish him every happiness because I really do wish him that and if im not the right person, which im clearly not id rather he was happy with someone else as much as it hurts .

Sorry I think ive just written too much and don't really expect anyone to wade thro that lot !! Feels better writing it down tho x

Does your current life mean you can't/haven't had any chat where you might move with him?

I ask because a male friend has just been in the same situation - he decided, a few years ago now, he was going to move elsewhere in the UK with his business....and then met someone who he has got on with far better than expected. Was in tatters about not wanting to shelve the long term plan but also really liking new lady. Ended up all coming out and she just said...'well I'm happy to give it a go moving with you and see what happens' - bit of a lightbulb moment for him (he had felt really awkward because he thought it made it sound like she was coming second to his work plan - which wasn't really the case, more 2 priorities at the same time). They seem to have realistic expectations about what could happen and as she said 'if it all goes wrong it's just another adventure in life isn't it?'

Which seems a fair approach to me (though I accept not possible for everyone or maybe most people)

Hi
Thanks both .
No I have two dependants still the youngest is 5.
HIs business is in the UAE .
Think I was hoping he would continue to commute as he has so e for years .

Oh OP, sorry to read this.
I do remember your earlier threads about this, in fact I posted on at least one of them, under a different username. (Pre hack). That one was at the beginning of the summer, and even then you were already falling for him and afraid of getting hurt by him.

I agree that you have nothing to lose by telling him how you feel, but I certainly don't think you should hold out any hope that he feels the same.

He's always told you there was a limit to this, he told you right at the start he was moving abroad. That was his way of telling you even then, "don't get too involved, this is just a short term bit of fun". He has however turned the romance up way high. Very cruel to do that.

Don't have sex with him. After telling him how you feel that would come over as desperate, and you'll feel dreadful after.

Tell him how you feel! You are a mature adult. You can't wallow in self pity before you've even had any kind of conversation!

OP you may find it helpful to read all your earlier threads about him.

Let him be the first to talk. See what he has to say before you tell him anything.

If it ends then don't spend the night with him. Keep your dignity, it'll feel more empowering.

Err I didn't mean keeping your dignity as a reference to not sleeping with him, just in case it sounds that way.

Right, I've just read your other threads about this. I think you should ask him how he feels and whether he's fallen for you and wants to try and make it work, or wants to go ahead with his work plans and end the relationship (because it is!a relationship of some sort, even if it's supposed to be a casual/temporary one). I don't think you should passively wait for him to bring it up. After an intense few months with this man, you deserve to know where you stand. He may already know how you feel - it's probably obvious - so you might prefer not to tell him if his intentions haven't changed.

I still don't think you should wallow in self pity just yet, not until you've at least had the conversation!

However, if he doesn't want to continue the relationship try and let go and appreciate what you did have. The romance may have swept you off your feet in the short term, but in the long run you deserve someone who is more emotionally available - and physically there!

"It sunk it that i am no longer any sort of priority in his life and he has absolutely no plans for a future with me .
I know he never said he would"

Did he introduce you to his family and friends? At one point he was saying he would. That was future plans. Has he made you a part of his life during this last few months?

"I think you should ask him how he feels and whether he's fallen for you and wants to try and make it work, or wants to go ahead with his work plans and end the relationship (because it is! a relationship of some sort, even if it's supposed to be a casual/temporary one). I don't think you should passively wait for him to bring it up. After an intense few months with this man, you deserve to know where you stand. He may already know how you feel - it's probably obvious - so you might prefer not to tell him if his intentions haven't changed."

Completely agree with this.

This is the Vivienne and Richard gere scene at the end of pretty woman isn't it?

I think you need to handle it with dignity like Viv did. If you really do mean anything to him, you'll have your answer.

So sorry OP. it's going to hurt.

Emma thank you so much for reading,my other threads .
Sunny you and Emma both say I should ask him how he feels first and that makes sense so thank you .
I am a good listener and if I ask him directly I'm sure he'll be honest , even to the point of telling me if he's unsure .
Dowser I agree I honestly don't think he does love me.

No he has stopped the comments about meeting his friends .... He was the one initially who said he'd really like me to meet them I never asked.
He never talks about me going out to the UAE either anymore which he used to .

I remember us sitting in the car one night and he kissed my hand and said the absolute worst thing that could happen is we come out of this life long friends .
Anyway , hes just sent me the loveliest msg to say hope I'm having a fabulous day and a great time out with my girlfriends tonight and lots of ??????
In his favour tho the last three months has seen him gain huge huge amounts of work world wide more than he has ever had and he's working some hours .
Viv and Richard Gere ! That did make me smile !
very true tho x

"No he has stopped the comments about meeting his friends .... He was the one initially who said he'd really like me to meet them I never asked.
He never talks about me going out to the UAE either anymore which he used to . "

This is very telling.
He did make quite a few promises for instance, I remember he said he'd fly you out there later this year and well, there are only about 10 weeks left of this year now and it hasn't happened. Did you meet his family? It's a red flag for me when someone makes 'future plans' like those but never actually makes them happen....

I think he's something of a romantic fantasist type - he fully immersed himself in the moment but he's always known in his head that it would never be more than he planned right at the start, and he's able to compartmentalise well.
I'm sorry to say he does come over as being skilled in turning on the charm when necessary.

Are you sure he doesn't have a girlfriend, or even a more serious partner, in the U.A.E ?
Also, what was his reason for his plans changing, ie the house sale, his leaving UK being delayed for a few months etc.

His house hasn't sold so he's taking it off the market until the spring .
We always sort of joked that I hoped his house didn't sell.
I didn't realise he was going to move anyway even if it doesn't sell .

He said he'd take me out to the UAE but we had talked about March April time as I'm on the waiting list for an operation now .

I'm absolutely certain he has nt got a gf or is seeng anyone else .
We've been seen many times out and about together by his neighbours and ive been with him a few times when he's on the phone to his mum hands free in the car and he always says ( xxxxx ) and I are off out for dinner or wherever .Also on holiday we both talked to families regularly.

If he liked someone else he would just say he's like that . He wouldn't see someone and not tell me and end it I do know that .

Oh god I'm dreading tomorrow x

Glad you plan to ask him, OP - good luck!
Am I right in thinking you're seeing him to celebrate your birthday? Do you have any other plans eg celebrating with family or friends? I don't want him to spoil your birthday, you deserve to celebrate with people who are there for you!

FWIW I don't think much of him, he made all those promises to introduce you to his friends, fly you out to see him, etc, and it sounds like he's not going to follow through. I suppose we should wait and see what he says when you ask him, but if he has no intention of continuing the relationship, I think he's been a bit of a shit. This is where dependability trumps charm, I think!

"He said he'd take me out to the UAE but we had talked about March April time as I'm on the waiting list for an operation now"

So he has been talking about his plans including you for after he goes out there to stay? That possibly changes things a bit. But his actions need to match his words.

He hasn't introduced you to his family yet? DC I can perhaps understand why you'd both delay that, although his is older. But at our age (I'm more his age than yours!), after a few months I'm really surprised he hasn't done that.

In your previous threads (and this one!) you come across as a lovely, kind woman who deserves a very special partner. I really hope this man doesn't cause you a lot of hurt.
I missed that it's your birthday this weekend, so I do hope you enjoy it.

Hmm. I can't stop thinking about this one.

So it's your birthday this weekend. What plans had HE made for the two of you to celebrate together? I know you'd booked the hotel. What did he do? What gift has he bought you?

You mention picnics and sleeping in the car. What sort of dates has he been taking you on?
How often have you actually seen each other? I realise he works abroad so I assume you just meet up whenever he's over here. But how many times is that?

The problem is that this whole set up, this 'our time together is going to be brief and limited' puts an intensity into the situation. He knows that.
I'm with Emma, I don't think very much of him.

you've been played. he's cooled it because he just wants you out of the way now. sorry.

i would cancel all future meetings with him, starting now. i would block all points of contact. in fact - i would ghost on him.

my pride would simply not allow any more consideration of him. i would brook no more fuck-acting around from him.

but then i'm very proud and just would not have this kind of treatment from any man. i just do not allow men to treat me like dirt.
sorry for you though.

Well initially he took me to all sorts of lovely restaurants - couldn't do enough .
We were both like a pair of excited teenagers with our own children actually laughing at us !
He has actually only ever missed this week and pos 3 other days where I haven't woken up to a good morning text .
We have seen a lot of each other tbh and we went away on a lovely trip for 9-10 days which meant a lot to him and he invited me and we had a very memorable time .

I remember talking to him on Skype one evening and he was going with some work contacts to a very exclusive place in Dubai .I said I didn't know what he saw in me when he was surrounded by so much beauty and wealth etc. He said it was all well and good but mostly work related and that what he was looking forward too most all summer was our drive to (holiday )and time alone with me .
He is a very successful and wealthy but modest man , but what I like about him is that he has worked hard for it . He genuinely counts his blessings and is one of the kindest men ive ever met .
His business has soared in the last few months and yet hes still found time to maintain a relationship of sorts with me ( and def not for the bedroom ... I think I was ready before him ! ) .
Yes its my birthday and we were to go away for a weekend but he had to cancel for genuine reasons.
He has to be at home for a conference call at silly oclock uk time sun morn.
He was genuinely feeling terrible about cancelling on me ( he never has before ) . he wanted to take me out for a meal tomorrow night or do whatever I fancied so I suggested a local hotel so we could spend some time together after dinner .
Its hard to explain but after 25 years on each side ( both houses marital homes ) we just don't feel comfortable taking each other home it feels wrong .

I shall ask him tomorrow and at least come away knowing and not living in this awful limbo .
And if I get the answer im expecting Ill come on here and share the champagne with you x
Sunny you sound lovely too and thank you x x x

Good luck for tomorrow - please let us know how it goes!

If he does say he wants a future and he cares about/loves you, then please make sure it's not just more words, ie you can reasonably expect him to turn his talk into firm plans about how exactly he sees things working for you both. Him booking actual tickets for an actual date for you to go out and visit would be a start.
Good luck!

Let us know how it goes OP. I'm rooting for you!

Hoping it all goes well. I need a fairytale ending to give me hope x