Need to feel strong, clear &a prepared for mediation session

[Picnicineden]

This is the link to my original post, nearly a year ago now.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2254992-Utterly-confounded-confused-by-husband

I made a new year's resolution to end my marriage, and had done it by the end of January. The support I got on my original thread really helped give me the resolve to carry it through.

Now, everything is better, and I'm so glad I did it. Financially, though, there's still a way to go. We've got a third mediation session on Monday, which is likely to revolve around the equity in our house. We don't have much money - he has a job but is in lots of debt. I only have a 0 hours contract and don't work much. My parents can help me stay in the house, which I believe is the best place for the children to be, but they can't afford to give my stbxh the money he wants from his share of the equity. If we sell I would get a lump sum but I wouldn't get a mortgage so I would either have to move in with my parents or rent, which would use up all the money by the time my daughter starts school in 2017.

My children are 2 & 7.

I feel I need advice, I don't know if a lawyer is what I need though. I don't have the money to pay for one anyway!

I've been encouraged to seek an amicable divorce after a 2 year separation, because he is the father of my children, so I'm going to have to work with him to raise the children for the next 16 years at least. My children have a good relationship with him so I believe this is the right thing to do, although it is hard to let go of the past. He has been much more stable since the separation - he found a job and went to his gp for anti-depressants. If I force a settlement on him that he isn't happy with then things aren't going to be very amicable...but I also need to stand up for what is best for the children, and I'm sure that wouldn't be to sell the house unless we absolutely have to.

I don't know if I've fully explained the situation, and I'm sorry if this is long. In a nutshell my dilemma is that I need to somehow get what I want, while keeping stbxh happy, and not letting him overwhelm me.

I'd be really grateful for any advice or suggestions. I may not be able to respond straightaway as I'm not on-line all the time, but I do appreciate any responses. Thank you.

Has your h moved out of the marital home?

Who has encouraged you to seek a divorce after 2 years' separation, to which you will need his consent, rather than petitioning for divorce now citing unreasonable behaviour? Has the date of your separation been documented by a solicitor?

When saying that your parents 'can help you' do you mean that your dps are prepared to pay all or part of the mortgage repayments until you can do so or until your youngest dc becomes 18, or until you determine that it would beneficial for you to move to another property/location?

With the exception of the sum outstanding on the mortage, how much does your h owe, are these debts solely in his name, and are repayments being made through his personal bank account or via a joint account (if you have one)?

Getting what you want and keeping him happy may be mutually incompatible and might not be very fair on him: he needs his share of the house equity to pay off some debts I assume.

Can you get a better paid/more secure job?

Thanks for your reply, goddess.
H has moved out, he's renting a room from a friend.
My parents and a lawyer I saw pre-separation for half an hour say try amicable separation route first. The official date of separation not been documented by a solicitor.
My parents are selling 1 of their 2 houses (they were going to do this anyway) and would invest money from sale when it happens to pay off mortgage on my house - but can't give him as much cash as he thinks he should have.
He has £10000 on a credit card, owes my parents £5000 & pays £200 a month for a hp car. These debts all in his name only, serviced from his account. We did have a joint account but neither of us uses it anymore.

Thanks Purplewithred, I am looking for a more secure job, but then I would still have childcare to pay for as no family near by. I don't know about better paid - I've never been a high earner but obviously I can see I do need to earn more but this may be difficult while my children are so young.

The fact that you saw a solicitor will be sufficient to establish the date of separation should it be necessary to do so, i.e. if he tries to delay divorce proceedings. However, providing you can agree the division of assets, childcare, and maintenance between you, it's perfectly possible to have an amicable divorce without having to wait 2 years to petition.

Is the mortgage held in your joint names? If the marital home was sold now how much equity would be released, is there a shortfall between what your h thinks he should get and the likely sum raised by the sale, and are the figures based on a 70-30 split in your favour?

The mortgage is in both our names, and the figures are based on a 50-50 split, which is how he thinks it should be...

Well, if he wants the assets split 50/ 50, then responsibilities get shared 50/ 50 also. Which means he has to pay for 50% of childcare,and/ or have them 50% if time, thus enabling you to work more. Otherwise, you get more.

That's a good point! Thanks FeeAmarylis.