Hi everyone
I am a mess and it is all my own fault and I am trying to find ways to move on. I am married - 16 years together - 2 DC. After second DC was born DH and I had some problems. I found him controlling and our relationship was fraught. I talked about leaving many times but couldn't do it but felt very lonely within the relationship and very unhappy.
At work I fell into a strange, dysfunctional relationship with a younger man - it was not sexual at first although he did make many comments indicating that he would like it to be. He was also married. After a year of what seemed like 'friendship' it did become sexual. I am not proud of deceiving my husband and I don't fully understand my own behaviour - in the 14 years with my DH before that I had never ever thought I was capable of being unfaithful and never responded to advances from other men.
When it became sexual with the OM I was in a bad mental state and very lonely - I felt it didn't matter what I did in any way, I felt entirely numb about life in general. My eldest daughter was having psychological treatment for self harm and my parents had both recently been found to be seriously ill terminally in my Dad's case and the emotional burden all felt pretty unbearable. My DH and I were also leading very separate lives and I often would not see him for long periods of time (it has always been like this - he prioritises his 'work' above all else and I have no idea what he is doing from one day to the next and often he goes away at short notice).
Over the last year since the affair started, I kept thinking I must end it with OM - I always felt deep down I could not trust him. He was extremely controlling, would have huge rages at me, would often reduce me to tears, would be declaring undying love one day and destroying my character the next. He was an amazing lover but cruel emotionally. He would often talk about other women, about their bodies etc and make me feel inadequate whilst also telling me I was 'the most beautiful woman' he'd ever seen. He lied to me repeatedly about things he didn't need to. He owes me money which I think he will never repay. I ended up being pretty sure he has narcissistic personality disorder because of some of the things that have happened with him and the extraordinary lies he has told me and the way he would manipulate with a mixure of attention, blackmail and anger.
Anyway - since June it has been ending with him - very messily. He keeps disappearing and I feel awful and abandoned and then reappears declaring undying love and I fall back intro trusting him like an idiot. Then he goes silent again and the whole cycle repeats.
I know I must get out of it. I wish I didn't miss him, and I don't understand why I do after how he has been towards me. Meanwhile my DH has made it clear he wants to improve our relationship and has been much more emotionally present than he has been for years. He does not know fully about the affair but I have told him that emotionally that I was inappropriately close to OM. I too want to work things out with DH but I feel now I have led such a double life and there is so much distance between us I don't know where to start. I am having counselling which is helping. My counsellor has said that she thinks that I went from one controlling relationship (my marriage) to an even more controlling situation with OM, she also thinks OM has possible 'sociopathic tendencies'.
The problem is I do not know how to move forward at the moment. I just feel so low. Burnt out. Confused. More numb than ever before. My Mum has breast cancer and my Dad is completely paralysed and both need a lot of support. My eldest DC is now a lot better thank goodness which is one good thing. Any advice gratefully received. Please be kind. I know I screwed up and my behaviour has been crap. Thanks in advance.