Dealing with Rumours

[SAHM39]

We were/are friends with a couple. The wife is a bit OTT. After 5 years of friendship she started saying I was a bad mum and laughing. I let it go as I have seen her insult people all the time and not realise it. Thing was I heard it back from another friend that she was saying it to others too. I lost it. Confronted her. She denied ever saying it then rowed back to she prob did say it messing. At another friends party that night she kept referencing it till I told her shut up!. Thing is her husband is a lovely fella. Totally not my cup of tea. Hes a stay at home dad so I would meet him a lot picking up or dropping off kids from each others houses. Kids being kids would want a few minutes more. Id sometimes have a cup of tea. I was told this week that the story doing the rounds is that we fell out because the wife was jealous of our friendship and that we were having an affair. Not only that but the police had to be called to separate his wife and I at a party having a fight and that they were called another time when my husband caught us in bed! I live in a small village where everyone knows each other but have been told these stories didn't come from my circle of friends. Question is to I keep going and find out who was spreading these rumours or do I leave it go and wait till someone else is the topic of conversation. Part of me wants to follow up but if I stir it up it will only add to the story. Part of me wants to leave it alone and let it burn out itself and yet another part of ne wants to drag him for a drink in the local and stick 2 fingers to them all! Thats another thing the husband and my husband are very friendly. My husband thinks its farcical!

I think you need to distance yourself completely from both of them. You might like the husband and think he's a nice bloke, but he's clearly more invested in his rumour-spreading wife than in you. He's her enabler, more than likely. He could easily have set her straight on the affair rumours and make it clear that she is not to spread rumours about him, but he didn't, did he? He's getting something out of this drama too. He likes being a partner to this unhinged woman. He is not your ally.

The only thing to do - and it is hard! - is to rise above it, act with integrity, and speak no evil of your own. If anybody reports a rumour to you, don't take the bait: don't try to smear her, or to defend yourself. Instead, just say something neutral, like: "I don't understand why x would say such a thing, but she must have her reasons." (the reason being that she is loopy, but you don't need to say that).

Please end your contact with the pair of them, though. There's a severe dysfunction going on in their couple, and you don't need to be a part of it.

Thanks RiceCrispieTreats. You see the problem is I don't think she started these rumours. I think it was someone else ( I don't know who) who heard we had a quarrel and didn't know why. I think they saw me dropping picking up kids at their house and thought ahah! The wife is jealous of their friendship and then the rumour mill added the rest. The person who told me what was going around said the first time they heard it, it was that myself and the wife had a fight because of my friendship with the husband. Which wasn't the case. The second time it was said it had grown legs and arms. I think we are all victims of bored people who have nothing going on in their own lives and their vivid imaginations ran wild. I do agree I will distance myself but our kids are great friends and I don't think I should let it affect them or am I being a silly and should cut ties completely Thanks again, it is great to have an outside, uninvested opinion :)

Ah, I misunderstood, thanks for clarifying.

Well, if neither of the couple are the ones being jealous and dramatic, then you don't need to distance yourself, and it would in fact be a shame to do so because of wagging tongues. Although the fact that she criticises your parenting to you and to others and that you have rowed about it does make me think there's something odd going on between the two of you. Do you like her? Are you comfortable with her? Do you want to pursue a friendship?

The rumours are unfair and nasty, but really the only thing to do is to rise above it, and to let anyone reporting the rumours back to you understand that you won't rise to the bait. By all means let them know that you think it is odd for them to peddle rumours in the first place. People will do what they want to do, though. The less you're bothered by it, the less it will be fun for them to keep playing with rumours though.

TBH I think she doesnt realise how hurtful she can be. She is the kind of person that keeps saying the same thing over and over and over again thinking its funny when it was never funny in the first place. She has lost loads of friends and one of them told me she doesn't like to be around her as she is so negative and always make her feel small. I kinda feel like that with her and have been distant with her. This hasn't helped this situation I guess as most interactions are with her husband. She has her good points but it does feel like shes very insecure and makes herself feel better by putting people down. I also think she can be very jealous. For instance myself and my husband make a point of getting away for a night a couple of times a year. Instead of saying something nice she might say something like its fine for some etc but we work hard to have our life which Im very happy with. Ive noticed too that it maddens her if one of her friends is out with other friends without her. If there is a few of having coffee and praising someone else she cant handle it and leaves. There is def a problem. I feel sorry for her tbh but I must look after my happiness first and foremost I suppose.

OMG. You were right! It all started from his wife!