Husband trust issues

[aweyer1993]

So for the past probably 2 years my husband (boyfriend for a year of that) has had some trust issues with me. When we first got together he was married and left his wife for me so I can see where some of that could come from, but at the same time I could have trust issues with him for that as well and I don't. He believes that every person I talk to I am flirting with (I am bisexual) I have never cheated on him and would never even entertain the idea of it, but because of these trust issues he makes it very difficult to have friends because he thinks they are all more than that. I've had conversations with him about this and he says that it's because of our age difference, I'm 22 and he is 45, so he feels insecure and again I can understand. At the same time he has literally cheated on every woman he has ever been with and yet I trust him whole heartedly. If he calls and I don't answer in obviously ignoring him, but if I call him and he doesn't answer he just didn't hear his phone. We have one son and a baby girl on the way and I don't know how much more of these trust issues I can take because now it is becoming more than him not thinking I'm being faithful, but now he accuses me of smoking while being pregnant when he knows that I quit the day I found out I was pregnant and I just work around a lot of smokers and I go outside with them just to take a break and talk to them.

Also we have been together for almost 4 years now and I have never even so much as flirted with anyone else.

You certainly got the Booby Prize didn't you ?

I think they call it "projection"

He's capable of cheating, and he's judging you by his shit standards.

I'm not sure what advice you're after tbh. He's a shit person, not capable or willing to be faithful himself, so he assumes everyone else is the same. And he's being an arse about the smoking thing too - is he trying to believe you're doing bad things because he wants to justify to himself having an affair again? Or he might just be being horrible because he's a horrible person. At least by the time you wake up and smell the coffee about this prick, you'll still be young, even if you do waste a few more years with him first. Good luck to you.

Agree with the above - he's a cheater so judges everyone by his own lack of standards.

Normally I would flame your arse for deliberately shagging a married man but you are only 22 and that's practically a child to me. I did some really selfish and stupid stuff when I was your age and would hate to be stuck with the consequences of those mistakes now. Sadly you are going to be stuck, because you've already had kids with this arsehole.

He will cheat on you btw. He will talk himself into believing that you deserve it because you've cheated on him or just because that is what he always does.

The smoking thing is abusive behaviour on his part.

The best advice I could give you would be to get away drom him while you are still young, but I know you won't. Try not to let him drag you down further or damage you any more than he already has.

He has cheated on everyone he's been with but you trust him?

He is just getting ready to cheat on you so he has to accuse you and tear you down to justify his site behaviour.

You were only 18 when you got together. You are very young and I wouldn't waste another moment on this arsehole.

PeopleLieActionsDont has hit the nail on the head there. Start protecting yourself by reading up on abusive behaviour so that you don't get dragged into the nightmare of thinking that you deserve to be treated like he treats women.

I have no idea why a 22 year old would shack up with a married man in his 40s let alone have children with him. It's not a life I would choose.

People of all ages make life decisions that they regret.

Reading this I see a young inexperienced girl being targeted by a man with decades of experience in being manipulative. At an age when she should be learning how to have relationships with other naive young things, she's accidentally fallen into the full headfucking world of a serial cheater in his mid-life crisis. When she should be learning by making minor mistakes, instead she's got two children to take care of - and is very likely not able to support herself without a partner. A life that only a young inexperienced girl would chose fall into.

^^ that. Or why you would shack up so quickly with him. Crazy.

Oh dear. I was getting ready to tear into you for having an affair with him, but you were 18 (and he was 41!) when you got together so (and I'm sure you'll hate me saying this!) he almost took advantage of a CHILD.

You were so young. And I say that as someone his age, who moved in with a boyfriend when I was 16. No bad consequences, just looking back now, I'm old enough not to feel embarrassed or defensive at saying that 16 (and 18 as you were) just isn't that old.

He cheated on his wife with an 18 year old less than half his age. He has ALWAYS cheated. Now you've got a child, a pregnancy and a nasty bit of work for a husband.

Let me tell you this: HE DOESN'T HAVE TRUST ISSUES.

That kind of language is the beginnings of making excuses for him. Oh, poor thing, he just can't trust, he's not accusing me of cheating because he utterly disrespects me - it's because he has "issues". No, it's because he's nasty.

He's your husband. He's supposed to love you. How about you tell him, once and once only that if he has issues then he should go and see a counsellor to work those through - and in the meantime, making accusations is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable? And mean it.

And do read up on abusive behaviour. The accusations are such an obvious sign, from the outside.

You've posted here because you know this is wrong. Half his age, but more mature than he is - you can feel it's not right, and not justified.

Good luck, don't lose your life to this tosser.

It sounds like he's really done a number on you. He's projecting. He's probably cheating as he's proven he's incapable of being faithful. He sounds emotionally abusive too. Why would anyone go near a man who cheated on his wife with an 18 year old? I'm 25 and I see being 18 as near enough a child.
Please get out of this marriage. He's made you trust him because he's had years of getting women to trust him. Soon he'll spinning the same lines to someone else that he spun to you. That's if he isn't already.

My comment wasn't helpful sorry. It sounds like a mess and he sounds vile. Would you have support to be able to leave/end the relationship?

if he left his wife for you, expect that he'll also leave you for someone else.
that's what the sexually incontinent do. its part of their remit.
he's more than likely cheating already, seeing as he has form for it.
cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating, mostly because they themselves are twisted individuals who can't make an honest commitment to anyone.

i think you walked into this one, to be honest.
i do feel very sorry for you.
agree with above that you got the booby prize. god help you.

He's beginning to exhibit controlling behaviour, which doesn't surprise me. At 18, I went out with a 24 year old and, although he was a lovely guy, he couldn't help being a little patronising/guiding. Because he had been there and done that, he couldn't help advising/being amused by my travails as an undergraduate. It didn't work and we broke up. This guy does not sound lovely at all and with such a huge age gap and with underlying unpleasant tendencies in his character/behaviour, there is a strong chance he will control you - and defend it because he is older/wiser/more experienced. That is total bullshit. You can do what you like (including smoke, even though it is Ill-advised) because, young as you are, you are an independent adult in possession of your own faculties and you can smoke, hang out with whomever, and call or ignore whomever you wish. He has no rights over you, your time, your body.

so a bloke in his 40s left his wife for an 18 year old and now he is exhibiting controlling behaviour?
If I were you I would have myself checked for STDs, OP.

You were 18 and you got with a married man who has always cheated in his 40s?

Why? Do you have father issues?

He sounds like a complete arse. You can always leave.

Oh no - this is car crash material!
He's an arsehole.
Controlling and no doubt emotionally abusive.

It will get worse.
It will affect your DC.
It's already affecting you and your friendships.

It might be a good idea to contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them about all of this. They may be able to help you to see this for what it is.
And I cannot stress enough, that when you speak to them, enrol on their Freedom Programme. He got you while you were young. You don't have boundaries. You don't see red flags. You need to do this course and do it quick!

I hope you have friends and family for support.
Do NOT let him cut you off from them. He WILL try! Do NOT let him.
You will need them soon enough.