I don't trust myself to make right call on money- please could I have some advice?

[freshstart24]

Mumsnet has guided me through relationship chaos over the past 6 years. It helped me very gradually see that EXDP had a gambling addiction that I couldn't hold myself responsible for and that he cared only for himself in every way. I was adamant that we should stay together for our DS, but eventually realised that I was not thinking straight. through help from this board I slowly but surely managed to end the relationship, to keep it ended and to move on.

A massive thank you, for helping me to get my life back.

I am now with a new DP who has taught me what a real man is, how love should be and I have got a lot of 'myself' back. After 2.5 years together we have just bought a house, and (a barely dare say it)- I am happy and loved. DS has adjusted better that I could have hoped for and is the light of my life.

So, I need your help again. When buying a house I have said all along that I want to split everything 50/50. DP disagreed, and wanted to pay more than me but until now he has not made a big fuss, and has accepted my opinion on this.

Last night he sat me down and said again that he feels he should pay a bigger share of our outgoings. He feels we are a team and that as the higher earner he should pay more.

DP earns a good wage- about twice my salary. He works full time, I work 3.5 days a week. My part time work allows me to balance work, money and my DS in the way that works best for us. DS is at school, so I could work more hours but this way I can sometimes do the school run, and see him after school one or two days a week after school to supervise homework and spend time together (on the days I work I am not home until 6.30pm). DP works incredibly hard, long hours and finds his job extremely stressful.

I feel he should reap the rewards of working so hard in difficult job i.e. have some money to show for it. I choose to work part time and as such should accept that almost all of my earnings go into outgoings (i.e. no savings, holiday money etc).

Also although DP is generous with his money and loves DS I am conscious that DS is primarily my responsibility and as such I can't expect DP to pay over half of our joint living expenses.

We own the house between us equally, as tenants in common as advised by our solicitor.

I love him dearly, and am sorely tempted to take him up on his offer. It would be wonderful to have more money left over each month to treat DS and DP and myself with and to save a bit. However, I can't feel comfortable with the idea of not completely paying my way especially when he is dragging himself to work every day and I am not.

I would love to hear the opinions of mumsnet about this as I don't trust myself to make the correct decision.

As long as you can support yourself and stay confident of that, and he's genuinely happy to share, why not?

What good is the extra money to someone who truly wants to share a life with you, when letting you struggle means you can't afford joint holidays or have anything set aside for a rainy day? I think contributions in proportion to salary size for living expenses, leaving each of you a proportion to set aside for nice things, is pretty fair.

Let him pay that bit more. You should both have a reasonable amount left over for leisure/socialising etc.

Was in a similar quandry myself a few years ago, but realised I was trying to prove I was able to be his equal financially after having to cope with financial abuse previously and then being a lone parent. Once I relaxed and realised he was happy to care for us and my dd like his own, I relinquished some of my control and agreed he could put in more than I did.

We sat down and went through how much he should put in and myself so that I have a good amount of free money to spend. He said the same as your man, we are a team and one should not be less well off than the other. Part of your work is being a mother to your ds and that is valuable but unpaid, so it is only right he puts in more than you financially.

A good way of thinking about it is if you think about being him for a moment. What would you want to do? You would want to provide so your partner, who has the higher childcare share, has the spare cash that she should to live a pleasurable life.

As soon as my DH and I rented our first home together all monies went into a joint account, bills come out of it and so do family and individual spends.

We always talk before one makes a purchase above the normal food and activities and both have online access to see what is there (or not as some months are!)

We are a couple and share everything so we feel no need to separate finances with one having more than the other. I thought this was very normal until joining MN.

I am not a fan of joint accounts and would never have.

DH and I have always considered our income me to be household and all household bills come out of that.

Any disposable income is divided equally so we have equal spending power.

We've never accepted that the value employers place on us as the value we place on each other.

I am a big fan of joint accounts for the household expenses. I am a big fan of looking across the board at the joint spends, and splitting the money that goes to pay for that, in the same proportion as the income from each person - which can change over time. When I earnt twice what my OH earnt, I paid 66% of the cost of our joint living expenses into the joint account, and how he earns twice what I earn, he pays 66% into the joint account. Which changes each year according to mortgage/bills/holidays etc.

Then you both get a share of your earnings to spend/save as you wish.