Work, Mortgages, Husband...LIFE?

[Gangie]

Things are a bit shit. I don’t know where to start. All low level stuff really I suppose, I am not destitute – I have a roof over my head, just about. Kids are happy. Enough to eat. I have a good husband who loves me dearly and I love him too. But, Im starting to feel resentful:

Background is that we have been together over 7 years, married last February. He has been unemployed a lot of that time. We are in Ireland so as you know there was a major recession and my husband was in construction. So he has been working sporadically when things have come up in his own field. When he works he works very hard and earns good money – which he just hands over to me. He never questions that as I am in control of the finance (not necessarily because I want to be but because I am better at it than he is). So he might get work for 6 weeks or 6 months but then just as we start to get a bit more comfortable the contract ends. That’s the game he is in I understand that. Last year he took a low paying unskilled job. I know he didn’t like it there really but he worked hard and was kept on for 7 months but then was let go as it was quite seasonal. He knew that at the outset so I don’t think it was because they didn’t want to keep him on. In fact they have said that when things pick up again in February next year they would love to have him back.

There has been many discussions over the years of him going over -seas. The money would be fantastic. It would be horrible to be separated from him and the kids would miss him so much as he is a very good and hands on father. I have heard promises of this over the last 6 years – a job breaking in Holland/Falklands/Germany/Belfast, but it never seems to happen. Or if the job does then he hasn’t got all the necessary tickets etc. A couple of years ago he went back and did an intensive training that was supposed to make him extremely employable in his field. It hasn’t. That was 2 years ago. He hasn’t ever got one of those jobs that were going to be ‘’the answer to all our prayers’. He has done extra training in other things and that would supposed to get him a job but never did either. He says he wants to work. As I said when he is working he is in better form, works really hard and takes any over time going. He is still hands on with the kids and does his fair share around the house. When he is not working he is the stay at home parent and mainly does a good job (I try not to be critical but his housekeeping isn’t up to my standard, Id get a lot more done if I was the SAHP but maybe that’s just me).

We are renting. The past few years we just about scraped by so haven’t been able to save deposit. I often thought, by this time 6 months or next year he will be working and we will be a nice normal family.

I went back to work 2 years ago (baby was 9 mths old). It was a low paid internship but I worked my ass off and now earn ok money but I really really love my job!

We have moved 5 times in the last 5 years. It has been so hard. The rental market is abysmal here – prices going up and up and not enough properties. Landlord can increase the rent year on year by large amounts. We cant keep up. We have once again just been given notice on our beautiful home. We have until March to find a place as our landlords are selling. Our son just started school its an Irish school in the courtly with only 64 students in the whole school, which is fantastic. He loves it, but I am so worried now about where we are going to live? It will most likely not be in the area we are in at the moment (its very rural).

We need to get a mortgage. We need the security of it. For us and most importantly for the children. We cant get a mortgage if my husband is unemployed. I tried to find out about a council mortgage, but they wont assess me as a single application as I am married. I rang a mortgage broker for main stream banks and they said that it can be done, I can apply for a mortgage on my income but would only get a very small amount as I have 3 dependants .(Husband is considered a dependant.) She also said that if he was working in any job, even minimum wage that we would be able to get a lot more (still taking small amounts by the way, but we are happy to buy something and do it up over time)

Anyway – I love my job but just do not earn enough to support my family. I earn less than €25k a year. I currently do a 4 day week, but its way more in reality as I am contactable outside work and do a lot of evenings and weekend meetings and events. My commute is 2-3 hours a day. The place I work is a charity so we get no sick pay, bonus, health insurance, pension, etc. I don’t even get a phone and have to use my own mobile. I cant get a mortgage with that wage, I need to be earning €35k to qualify for a mortgage of €82k (what sort of house I can get for that God only knows!! Property here is expensive). I met my manager the other day and told him my situation – I don’t earn enough for the work I do and the hours I put in. I asked for a pay rise, extend my hours so Id work on a Friday too but also to be able to work from home 2 days per week. The nature of the job means it is not a desk job – I can do it anywhere. But they came back to me yesterday and said no. No pay rise, maybe next June? No working fro home, we have no policy for that. They will extend my hours but only by 5. That means more driving (another 10 hours a month in the car and the difference in my take home pay will be minimal with tax and diesel). Also it still wont bring me up the €35k minimum I need.

I have been so upset. Upset with the organisation that they can’t see that I have worked my ass off. They will replace me. I have never worked as hard or as been as dedicated in any previous role. Also I am very good at my job!! I know I am, but the powers that be must not be as sure. I also, whether IABU or not, feel upset that it is because my husband isn’t working I have to give up my much loved job. I am feeling resentful that it all seems to fall to me. I have too much on my plate and I have started thinking if its his fault? How long can the legacy of the recession go on. Other people we know that were in the same game and position as DH were not out of work for nearly as long. They are all certainly back in employment by now. Why is he not? Is he not trying hard enough? He says he is. He says he is looking and applying all the time, which he is. But is he applying only for jobs that he would like to do? I don’t know. When we talk about this he says all the right things, but surely it can’t just be bad luck at this stage? I actually put off going back to work after I had my son as I knew Id feel resentful, rightly or wrongly. I know men can be stay at home dads in my head, but I don’t feel it in my heart, not when we are struggling to make ends meet. Maybe it would be different if I was earning €€€€.

Everything is up in the air. I don’t know where I will be living in a few months, now I don’t know where I will be working either. I can get a better job for better money but that means going back to a role I have been trying to get away from and working in a private company rather than a charity that I believe in so strongly. I am starting to doubt my marriage. Not because I don’t love my husband but because I have to be the head of the house, the breadwinner, the mammy, the organiser, the cleaner, the house administrator, the one to worry about mortgages and the possibility of future children (ID love one more but not when I haven’t a house to call my own – also I only get basic maternity so we couldn’t afford me to be off work). I told him on the phone today that I am at the end of my tether and that maybe Id be better off on my own. If I said Id leave over this would he get a job in no time? On the other hand he is doing a job minding two kids, he cooks, he cleans, he puts my electric blanket on every night, meets me at the door when I come in, makes me endless cups of tea and packs the car for me in the morning as well as my lunch (I don’t ask or expect this he just does it). He makes me laugh, is good in bed, great dad, great friend and loyal to the end. He has always got my back and would die for me and the children, I know that without a shadow of a doubt.

So what do I do? Leave him in the hope that he will get a job? Stop being so horrible and believe that DH is trying his best and is doing a valuable job with the children? I cant talk to anyone else about this as I don’t want to say negative things about my DH.

OP, I really feel for you.

I’m Irish (though have lived in the UK for most of my life) and I know how much the recession hit the construction industry over there. My uncle had a successful building materials business, it took a massive hit and he almost went completely under. It wasn’t nice watching him struggle. Things, however, slowly seem to be picking up again over there now though and his business is getting back on to its feet. I think construction will be a bit slow/ quiet for a little while longer but then should hopefully return to some sort of normality.

It does sound like your DH is a good man who loves you and your family. I don’t blame you for feeling overwhelmed and resentful though, is there nothing in between minimum wage and what he was on before that he could apply for? Is it minimum wage or nothing?

Has he signed up to any agencies?

Echo another poster, I don’t know how rural you are but generally, agricultural jobs pay well, he could ask around local farms and see if they have anything?

Could he do evening bar work? I know it’s not ideal but you’d be there in the evening for the children, it might mean you don’t get to see each other as much but if he only committed to 3-4 shifts a week you’d still have some time together.

I think doing anything right now would boost his self-esteem and help him get his vigour for work/ life back. Not working at all can be very demotivating.

Is there any chance someone could have the children for a night and you two go out for some drinks/ a meal? I know it won’t solve any of your immediate issues but it might give you a chance to relax together and have a bit of fun? Sounds like you could both do with it?

In the short term, find another rental, don’t worry about your DC school, that can’t really be a top priority right now, you need to find a place to live, sort out extra income from your DH and then worry about the rest.

As a rule though, a man who said he was going to leave his otherwise loving, caring and considerate wife because she wasn't bringing in enough cash into the house, would be absolutely pilloried from pillar to post, would he not?!

You can amend it all you like, at the end of the day, any parent should take the responsibility of supporting his family, regardless of gender.

I don't like the OPs DHs response to her stress - he is the actual cause of it.

If you read the initial post out of the 7 years they have been together he has been unemployed most of it, fact.

Tbh OP, your job doesn't sound ideal. You're not fairly paid for the hours you do, you don't get any benefits such as sick pay or pension (aren't employees entitled to those by law??) and you have a long commute. You say the reason is that you work for a charity, but there are charities which pay fair salaries and offer the usual benefits. I realise you can't just leave your job, as you're the only earner, but I do think you should seriously look for something better.

Would you and your DH consider moving? There must be places that have more employment opportunities for both of you and/or that are more affordable.

I think you need to brainstorm together and think outside the box about how you can improve the employment situation for both of you, and your family's quality of life.

It sounds like your DH is supportive and he has been trying. It must be so difficult to deal with long-term unemployment. So I wouldn't write him off as some people have suggested. But make sure he is applying for lots of different roles rather than restricting himself. And I do think widening the search geographically could be the answer for you both.

Industrial rigger?!

One word : Alberta.

You wont regret it. I get that you want your kids to be brought up in Ireland, I really do. But surely it's more important that you offer them a good standard of living?

What does your DH say about it?

I don't think you are too old.

Toffee bottom Alberta?!!! It's feckin freezing there! I have lived abroad & I came home to settle here. We absolutely love where we live. Beside the sea but i get what ur saying, we can't really enjoy all the amenities here as we never have any money.

Anyway we had s big discussion last night. He has been widening the net and applying for anything & everything. Also he has also been checking out about goin back to finish a hdip. Mortgage plans on hold. And I have a hr meeting Tuesday to discuss payrise, but I stil think as another poster said, that my job will never pay enough so I am applying elsewhere. If I can get into a big corporate I can earn more and increase my prospects Hopefully. Thanks for all your help.

Just out of interest, how do I go about finding a job in Alberta?

I feel for you on many levels, the disruption of moving house is not to be underestimated and I would find five times in five years to be enormously stressful.

I think you both need to look for other jobs. Your job is only workable as he's at home really, as you work evenings/weekends, have a 2/3 hour commute, surely you would be very stretched if he did actually get a job working long hours- the childcare would be astronomical and the whole thing logistically difficult (presuming they are school age).

If you had a better job, with more regular and paid properly hours this would help enormously.

You could then have him take work as well, without jeopardising your job.

Good luck with it all, he doesn't sound lazy to me, as when work comes his way, he takes it, but it sounds like he has fewer options than you, so perhaps making you the main breadwinner, and ploughing everything into your career, with him working part-time (could he work in a supermarket, or shift work?) might actually be more financially doable for you as a family, that's the model lots of families live with (but often with the woman as the part-time worker).

Even if he wants to go back to study, he could get a bar job in the evenings to bring in some kind of wage and get him out of the house. Students often work part-time. Surely there is that kind of work in your area?

Alberta is only 'fecking freezing' in the winter. It's bloody hot in the summer! Although you don't have to actually live there to work there as a rigger. My DB has worked there for several years while living on the beautiful west coast of BC with its mild climate (think Scottish central belt). He'd rotate shifts of 2-3 weeks in camp out in the oil fields, then 1-2 weeks at home with his family.

Unfortunately, the drop in the price of oil has hit Alberta hard, and there have been a lot of layoffs for the less skilled workers. DB's last couple of contracts have revolved around shutting down or mothballing sites. Canada is also not the easiest place to transfer certification - even between some provinces there are barriers and you have to re-certify.

Getting a visa is relatively easy if you have a job offer. It's a fantastic country to bring up kids (I grew up there and we'll be moving back once our kids are a little older), and if you're already living rurally you'll be used to the increased amount of driving that is more normal there. Look for medium size towns and small cities - much cheaper and still reasonable chances of employment. If you like the thought of your children learning in a different language, there's French immersion education available in almost every school district.

We have had a but of an epiphany today. He's thinking of training as a paramedic he would be absolutely brilliant it he's great in a crisis! Anyone have any idea how hard it is to get in a what it costs? We need to find out if it's viable? Feel excited though I can totally see him doing that job & loving it!

I've just read the whole thread and it seems like such a big jump from the beginning (thinking about leaving dh) to moving abroad and now he's going to train as a paramedic. You might like the thought of him being a paramedic but is it not just a distraction on his behalf to get you off his case. You're obviously excited about the prospect. Has your dh any medical/education that would suit this role. Although I'm in uk not Ireland I think it's difficult to get into as my db is a paramedic. It takes a lot more than being good in a crisis. Would he get a job to pay for his own training, if it's going to be a loan it's you who'll be paying it off. Has he shown he'd commit and be able to complete such a technical course?

Could he not work evenings or weekends in a lower paid position than he'd like, to have some income or contribution to the household. It seems like he just can't be bothered tbh.

I don't think Yabu. It doesn't you matter whether it's a dh or a dw if one isn't pulling their weight it can be detrimental to a relationship and you can't help how you feel. I hope it works out for you.