Am i the one to blame??

[hadenoughstartagain]

I have been married to H 10 years and together 15 years.

Through out he has always had a problem with mood swings, silences etc always what I have put down to his use of Cannabis, he will also admit this too.

Anyway 3 weeks ago things came to ahead, when he took one of his moods and stopped speaking though out the day. It escalated and went on and eventually after 2 days we spoke about it. You see I used to pander to him when he felt like this, now I don't as I just cant keep doing it anymore.

He says its my fault as well he is like this. I make him feel lonely, depressed, and feels I distant myself from him? I really don't know where this has come from but now my brain is wracked with quilt thinking is this down to me??

He said he has been left with no option but to leave as we a re going no where due to mainly me distant etc and him with the moods that he says he cant change.

Another thing he brought up I me going to social events with some work colleagues, he says he cant understand why I would choose to spend time with them rather that him?

Im really lost as I cant see what I am doing that is so bad? Is it me that has caused this breakdown?

I did have another thread on here but I cant remember my username, sorry about having to repost!

He said he has been left with no option but to leave as we a re going no where due to mainly me distant etc and him with the moods that he says he cant change

Lets hope the door doesn't smack him on the arse on the way out.

Im really lost as I cant see what I am doing that is so bad?

People like this will always make you feel like you are bad no matte what you do. No point in going down this road - you will never ever find out [because it doesn't exist].

It's not you. It's him. This is typical behaviour of certain people, and it wreaks of the way XW used to behave. If he won't address his issues you can't change. You can't spend your life pandering to someone else's needs. Relationships are give and take. That doesn't mean one gives while the other takes.

His accusing you of being distant and wondering why you go to social events makes me think he's basically severely insecure about attention. If he can't accept that he has issues, then you can't help him. He needs to work on it in order to change.

A well-known symptom of long term cannabis misuse is paranoia. Blaming others for personal behaviour by the user is also characteristic. OH's addiction is something IMO you should both tackle first to try and understand what bearing it is now having on your relationship. Do you have any DCs?

Err...he wants to devour your soul.
Seriously, he says he's like this because you're 'too distant' and gets upset over you socialising with your workmates?

He just wants you fawning over him 24/7 with no one else in your life but him.

No, no, no it's not you. Even if you had done something "wrong", how could you give any credence to his viewpoint when he is a junkie? In my opinion, you are better off without him, but if you want to save this relationship, please find a support group for co dependants of people with addictions. One of the first things you will learn is that you are doing the right thing by not pandering to him any more. Obviously, he doesn't like this as it makes his life more difficult, so he is trying other ways to get you to behave as he would like.

In the time-honoured phrase, there are three of you in this marriage; you can't compete with the third one because it isn't a person, it's an addiction. (Of course it's also possible he would be a miserable git even without the cannabis.)

He said he has been left with no option but to leave

Thank fuck for that. Quick, take him up on it before he changes his mind.

We have DC.

I think that is what is hacking him off so much that I have stopped pandering to him and he now sees that like I don't care.

But I am broken, I mentally can not cope with this anymore. He has even had me questioning my own mental health due to blaming me?

I wouldn't be too quick to put his behaviour down to his cannabis use. Plenty of people are self absorbed, miserable and suffocating without it, while others who like a good smoke are nothing of the kind.
He doesn't sound paranoid. He sounds selfish.
Even if he was to never smoke another joint, he'd most likely still be selfish.

And I know the popular viewpoint on here is to blame the puff, but I'm just putting it out there...might be nothing to do with it. He might just be an arse.

I am just so at a loss!! Im constantly trying to please and It has exhausted me. I have a constant headache, yet I feel very bad for what our marriage has become.

In reality I know I have to/should walk away but this terrifies me also, I can not even explain why im so scared.

I'd doubt cannabis use has given him a personality transplant, this is him, he's brought you down for years, you have finally became exhausted with his childishness and now he is punishing you even more.

It's really a form of mental cruelty. Who would want to be close to an arsehole that behaves this way, he sounds unhinged, not you.

I think he needs a real bolt, tell him he either grows up, respects you or you are moving on without him, you'd be a lot happier I am sure.

This is it, he keeps telling me he is leaving and he has got his name for a house that will take a few weeks, his plan is to leave as " he needs to do this as he cant cope anymore"

He has big marks on the calendar from the days when things got really bad.

I try to be civil and still speak but he is just yes/no answers. Im so done!!!

I may have backed off but as I explained to him, I don't know sometimes how he is going to be. He is never violent or even shouty but very hard work.

This is what happens when you stop pandering to a man baby, they throw a tantrum. The question isn't 'why is he saying these things?' but 'why the fuck am I listening to any of it?'.

Your H is an entitled manipulative arsewipe who prioritises himself at your expense, it really is your call as to how muck more of his whining twatery, you want to expose yourself to.

I agree with pictish and jan, the weed has probably made him worse but giving up wouldn't make him a nice person.

Op I think you need to prepare yourself for life without this bloke - it will be hard being on your own with DC, but after a while you'll realise how stressed you've been, always wondering what mood he's in or what's going to set him off. It will be better for the kids too.

What support are you going to need? What's the housing situation when he goes? Is he working, will be pay child maintenance without an argument, etc?

pocketsaviour, I will most likely be fine, mortgaged house in my own name, I work and have always been the main earner, he works but would be most unlikely he would pay any kind of maintenance.

Oh life for you and your dc will be so much better OP without this entitled, misogynist, manipulative arsehole in it.

Sorry to be so flippant but I'd be starting my own calendar and crossing off the days (hours) til he goes.

Good luck to you, OP.