Do you think you ever really get over a domestic violence relationship?

[ihatethecold]

I ended my relationship over 20 years ago. I've been very happy with my Dh for 16 years now, He know some of what went on previously.
I still think about it a lot.
Is this normal?

I think I regret not ever reporting it,He would have possibly gone to prison for the sustained physical, mental and emotional abuse he caused me.
He first hit me when i was a pregnant 16 year old.
I did nothing!
Alcohol usually played a part in his violence,not always though. sometimes it could be as simple as the hotdogs we were having for dinner (we were poor) still had some brine on them. He threw the plate at me. I would clear all the mess
My parents and friends knew what he was like and they never stepped in to help me. Just one time when my dad took me to hospital with a broken nose and fractured jaw he said " I'll take a baseball bat to him if he ever does this to you again"
How does that help?
Even the hospital staff and my GP never helped when i told them why i was in pain and needing painkillers for my face.
Why? It wasn't even acknowledged.
I have asked my best friend (who i lived with at he time)why she didn't help. she couldn't really answer me.
Part of me wants to write to my Ex to get him to acknowledge the damage he did to such a young person.
I left with my 6 year old son when i was 21 to have a new life.
My son, now 24 doesn't want to see me but now lives with his dad!
That hurts.

I have had counselling quite a few years ago which did help but the memories never go.

You don't have to reply, i just wanted to help myself by writing some of this down.

I don't really know if you can exactly 'get over it', but you can try to come to terms and move on.

I still often think about my first 'love' many moons ago, who was controlling and manipulative, and when I started to push back against his behaviour he became physically abusive too.

The most frustrating thing was that, when I said I was leaving, he helped me pack his car and drove me back to my mums!! I've often wondered what the hell it was all about - he had controlled and manipulated me for so long, and yet rolled over at the very end and was actually contrite.

I never got an actual apology or an admission that he was wrong to be so vile - never an apology for pushing me through a perspex door; which he insisted I get fixed because I was the one to break it and he didn't want to lose the security deposit on the flat. Really!!

I can relate to the feeling that everything is left hanging in the air, but I don't think you will ever get an apology. If your ex is anything like mine, he will probably turn it all back on to you anyway.

Would it be worth having another go at counselling? I'm sorry I don't have any answers, but you're not alone (I bet there's hundreds of us just on this forum!)

I hope you can find a way to move on. What helps me is that my dp of 11 years (also knows my history) is the polar opposite - he is decent and kind. I hope your husband is too.

Ihatethecold I am asking myself the same question. I read a book called 'Codependant no more' by Melody Beattie. It brought some answers. Now I have to rebuild myself.
I can just imagine how it must feel him wanting to live with his dad...heartbreaking...
At 24 he might need to understand for himself and eventually take a decision regarding contact with his dad. It might be part of understanding who he is. He is an adult and you might have to just let go. This is beyond your control...

Thanks for reading and replying.

My DH is really a great person. I feel like this is how its supposed to be.
Love, respect, freedom to be me.

I go through periods of it barely registering in my thoughts, then other times i will dwell on it as I'm going to sleep or at wakeful times.

I know i wont ever speak to my ex about history, there's really no point.
I just wonder sometimes, that's all.

I was wondering about this the other day, I found myself wanting to back away from a man who was annoyed with me. It was a professional situation and I know he would not have hurt me but I realised that I was still reacting to him in a 'not normal' way.

Might it be worth you having more counselling? You may have different things you need to process now, compared to the immediate aftermath.

I wonder too.

I wonder if he treated subsequent girlfriends as appallingly, or was it just me because I'm so pathetic? Weirdly, I hope it was just me and that nobody else caused him to treat them with such undisguised contempt.

I also wonder if he went on to have children, and if so does he have the same strict standards of behaviour for them; does he make them feel inadequate and useless all the time? I really hope not. I'd like to think that he learnt some compassion. Or that he just doesn't have any children.

But I think you can get too caught up in the imaginings - as I said, it's healthiest to just let go of it all, which is the hard part isn't it?

Personally I don't think people change.
I think you either think its ok to be abusive to someone or not.

Especially if they don't really think they're doing anything wrong in the first place.

With us it was like a giant elephant in the room.
I would be stood there with a bruise or swollen eyes from crying and nothing was ever mentioned, no apology, nothing!

Makes it quite normal.

It sounds like you have a lot of thoughts and emotions to work out. It's possible that they are coming out now because you are in a safe and happy place, in a stable and happy marriage, and therefore able to deal with darker things.

Would you consider speaking to a counsellor? You say it has helped you in the past. Counsellors are there to accompany you with kindness and empathy while you delve into difficult memories and feelings.

I believe it's better to do this with a professional than with a spouse - it might be a lot for your husband to handle because he loves you and would feel protective towards you, which might get in the way of really probing into the things that are keeping you up at night now.

I agree. As much as any spouse is supportive, they're not really biased are they?

I don't want to do counselling at the moment. But i can see why you have suggested it.

Maybe i should write some letters for cathartic reasons, Then have a little bonfire later!!

My story is no where near as bad as some of these. I was with him from 16-19 he was 21 when we met. He was very emotionally abusive and often physical as in slapping or punching my arms and legs. It was never any worse than that but I have no doubt it would have escalated and escalated had I not left when I did. Now at 31 I wouldn't say I'm over it, I still think about it often. I would however say I have come to terms with it.

I'm now married with a four year old DS and currently 38 weeks pregnant. My heart brakes for the 16 year old me so in awe of and infatuated with this evil man but in many ways I believe it has made me who I am today and for that I am thankful.

I think it becomes part of who you are and if you are lucky, it becomes one small piece of who you are.

I personally find that my memories are triggered when some other stuff is going on for me so I have learned over the years to see it not as 'evidence' that I haven't 'moved on' but as a way of my brain alerting me to the fact that there's something current that I need to pay attention to.

I like who I am now. Obviously I would prefer to have learned life lessons in a much less traumatic way but I am who I am because of that abuse and I am very happy with my life and my relationship and I'm not sure I would have got here without those experiences. Like CishandFips though, my heart break for my younger self.