DHs attitude to our children is pushing me away.....

[disguise]

Dh and I have been married 2 years in Feb. We have 2 beautiful children, a newborn and a toddler. I am currently a SAHM and DH works 8 till 5, 5 days and 2 Saturdays a month, 8 till 12.30. He has a physical job but is a young, fit bloke.
My problem is, his general attitude towards our children since our second DC was born.
He has no patience whatsoever and handles our newborn badly when he has had enough of the crying, which is usually after about 10 mins of trying to calm him. The thing I don't understand is DC1 cried an awful lot more with colic and he was ok with him. DC2 doesn't have colic at all.
I always intervene when I see him nearing the end of his tether. I once caught him with the front of our newborn's sleepsuit scrunched up in his hand, like men do when in a fight and about to punch..... I almost packed all our stuff and left him, but I asked him if he was sorry and he genuinely seemed to be, so we stayed. He did not have a clenched fist raised if that makes any difference? Not really.
DC1, who as I said is a toddler, is cutting two large teeth atm and keeps waking in the night in a paddy. He also has some during the day, but I deal with them. Obviously, a couple have taken place over the weekend and DH goes on about there being something 'wrong' with DC1 we need to sort out. If I explain again that it is a developmental milestone I will explode. DC1 is so close to talking it is unreal and to me, seems so frustrated by not being able to yet. I think this a big contributor to his explosions.
DH just moans and whinges constantly and I am very protective of my DCs. I would do anything for them, lay down my own life if necessary. I'm sure you all KWIM.
So when he moans on and on all the time, and would rather watch TV or play computer games than see to them or help me with them, I begin to hate him. It is pushing me away from him and it is an awful feeling.
I don't expect anyone else here has been unlucky enough to experience similar?
Someone please help me. I don't want my kids to grow up without their Dad.

No advice but bumping for you.

Not sure I have any advice for you, but have similar issues with my dh. He can at times lack patience around my dcs (2 and 3)and adopt quite an agressive stance as a result (although he has never and would never hurt them). When he does this, I cannot explain how much I resent him and I too feel like I hate him.

A lot of it comes from the way in which dh was brought up and I have asked him to think about whether he responded to that kind of treatment from his parents in a positive way or whether it made him resent them. We also have an agreement where if he feels he is going to lose it he will walk away and I will do whatever is necessary regarding discipline. I have explained to my dh that I will do anything to protect the dcs - as would he - and if necessary that would include leaving to protect them from him.

Talk to him about it. I find that men (or at least the ones I know) are not generally very empatheic to small children so it helps to draw examples from their own lives.

Good luck

Thanks and bump. Would like some more povs.

Hi Disguise, I don't really have any advice for you but wanted to say you are 100% right to be on your children's side on this. Your husband is being very childish and his work hours arn't that long. Gooseyloosey is right - sit him down and tell him straight how worried you are about his short fuse and that you won't hesitate to leave him if necessary. Tell him how easy it would be for him to hurt your children even accidentally and ask him how he would feel if his children were placed on the SS at risk register because of their father (highly unlikely but might be a good shock tactic). HTH and keep us up to date.

do you have family near by that could give you both a break to spend some time together just the two of you so you can maybe talk about things? sometimes it's hard to talk calmly when the children are about or your on tenter hooks when they're asleep as they may wake up.

FWIW my dh is also very impatient. i hate that he constantly says 'there must be something wrong with her' when he can't calm dd down. she's 6 months. i know he gets cross with himself that i just know her better than him, i do spend every waking hour with her after all.

My DH and I have been through similar times with our baby. He has said before that there?s something ?wrong? and insists ?something?s got to be done to sort this out? when DS is just being a perfectly normal baby. He has been physically angry before ? I know he would never hurt DS, but DH punched the wall and broke his (own) fingers with frustration one night when DS was crying. I think that men (okay, it?s a generalization...) do tend to think that things can be ?fixed? and want practical things to do. They do often have less tolerance for crying babies ? not sure why. Things are much better now. Two things helped ? firstly we sat down & figured out times when my DH could be completely ?off-duty? without my resenting & nagging. But then when he isn?t ?off-duty? he helps. That definitely helped us ? he needed to have some time that was definitely his own without me in the background complaining. Since we?ve sorted that ?off-duty? time he actually helps more than he used to, and is less stressed because he?s had some time to ?decompress?. (I initially thought ?well where?s my f*ing time to decompress!?, but TBH I don?t think that kind of thinking gets a marriage very far... So I just quietly scheduled in some time for myself, and made him think it was his idea.) Secondly, I realised that one of the reasons he gets so upset with the crying is that it makes him feel helpless ? especially as DS calms more easily with me (hardly surprising when there?s steam coming out of DH?s ears ? not a very soothing presence!). So we agreed certain things would be completely his responsibility ? in our case it?s cleaning & sterilising the bottles every night, giving DS his 11pm feed, and doing the Xmas shopping (I work full time ? if I was SAHM I probably wouldn?t give him quite so many jobs to do. Or maybe I would... ) Having jobs that are completely ?his? seems to help as well ? he said that he was feeling useless and now he knows what to do to help.

One thing I would say is that it does not get easier - in fact it gets harder - children are more challenging when they get to the toddler stage, and more challenging again when they get a little bit older - and mine aren't teenagers yet, but I bet that will be tougher still!

So all in all it seems like very bad news to me that he is struggling already to keep his temper under control. I think you need to think very carefully about what to do. What's his relationship like with his own parents?

"One thing I would say is that it does not get easier - in fact it gets harder - children are more challenging when they get to the toddler stage, and more challenging again when they get a little bit older - and mine aren't teenagers yet, but I bet that will be tougher still!"

Nonsense! I heard this a lot with my DD when I was overwhelmed with the constant demands of a newborn and it's the most unhelpful thing anyone can say. I think people always forget how bloody difficult the first few months with a newborn are (perhaps because if we remembered then the species would die out!), all they remember through misty eyes is a placid easily controlled baby.

My DD is now a boistrous toddler and it's no picnic, but it's miles easier than the newborn stage. Have hope, routine will emerge, sleep will come this doesn't last forever. It's really only a few tough months, then you'll feel tons better, I promise.

(((hugs)))

Sorry but I agree with dinosaur to a certain extent. Yes, you have to do more physically for tiny children but you still basically control them a lot more. Once they are older you just have to hope that they have taken in enough of your attitudes and values to do what you want them to do. You can't pick up a stroppy 9 yr old and strap him into a pushchair!

I know exactly how hard the first few months are - been there 3 times ! My DH had endless patience with all of ours when they were babies - it's only in the last few years (mainly since DS#1 was about 7) that he's found them challenging. I do think that if the OPs DH is having trouble now it isn;t going to get any better. Sorry Having children isn't easy and there are always new challenges.

Personally i find my 7 yo a dream compared to the baby/toddler years...
Disguise sorry things are so tough
Your dh is working very long hours, he probably doesn't get a great deal of time to himself either ( nor I'm sure do you!)
I like the idea of you taking it in turns to be off duty, do you think that would work in your case?

my x2bdh was completely useless with kids when tiny - I do think it was frustration and sense of loss of control, combination of loss of Big Freedom and frustration of being unable to 'fix' the perfectly normal problems (crying, teething, tantrums etc). Now they are teenagers he is much better with them especially dd, so all is not lost - once this very difficult phase is over he may well settle down. Personally, I found Toddlerdom (12m - about 2) EXCRUTIATING and would happily have fostered them out for the year, or swapped them for newborns.

The Becster's advice is brilliant - I wish I had had it 12 years ago

go to relate.
google a local parenting class you can both attend - seperatley if childcare is an issue
he must attend anger management.

make this non negotiable

Agree wiht Custardo, especially the anger management.

I actually think he will be better when they get older. Once DC1 can talk there will be no stopping DH. He will undertstand him more.
He is much better with DC1 than 2.
His outburts are very few and far between but I know they are unacceptable, even if they are few.

Surely my DH can't be the only one who has had an outburst before?

Becster's advice is fab.

As to the newborn v. toddler v. teenage stage - they are all different and WE are all different. What one can handle another can't. One easy newborn can turn into a "stroppy" toddler. A "challenging" newborn can turn into a dream toddler.

My DH really didn't feel involved with DS when he was a baby but once he turned about 2 (DS that is!) they really connected. Maybe your DH felt "in the honeymoon" phase when your DS1 was a baby - it was all a novelty so he found it easier to be patient? Now with a second maybe it feels more difficult.

You do need to at least sit down and talk honestly and openly. It would be even better if you could organise a counselling/parenting session.

Hope you manage to get it sorted.

Message withdrawn

you need to talk as resentment over behaviour can build and build and can lead to very negative feelings. I've been lucky, my DH was better than me at newborn crying, but can't quite understand why she is so 'disobeadeant' (sp?) at 20 months.

good luck