Advice on telling the kids we are separating when it's not what he wants

[AubergineDusk]

My H and I have finally agreed to tell the kids this weekend that we are separating. I told him back in the summer that this is what I want. He doesn't want this at all, says he still loves me and regularly gets upset - crying and so on but seems to have accepted at last that this is going to happen.

There's been no dramatic falling out. I have just fallen out of love with him and have had enough. They will be surprised I think as we do not row and he has ironically been more openly affectionate with me since the summer.

It won't mean any immediate practical changes for them. We will just be openly sleeping in separate rooms.

Even further down the line they will not need to move house and H will continue to be very much involved in their lives.

We are going to be together when we tell them but I will probably do the talking. I am worried about him getting upset in front of the children. Also, what questions are they likely to ask? He's worried they'll ask whether there will be anyone else in the future. I think this is unlikely and he's projecting his concerns. If they were to ask that I'd answer honestly - I don't know for sure but I would expect so one day but not soon.

Any advice or experiences would be great to hear. The DC's are aged between 9 and 14.

My kids are different ages that yours 8, & 12, but how I worded it was. Mum & Dad are splitting up. We are still friends, but don't want to be together anymore. It's like when you have a friend at school who you're still friends with, but don't want to play/hang round with them anymore.
Not sure if this helps. Good luck x

I was in same situation.
Just be careful that your ex doesn't try to make you out to be the bad guy. We both told our DCs and by the end of the conversation he had managed to make me look like the worst mother, slut, homewrecker, etc on the planet.
In hindsight it would have been better for me to have explained to them that I wanted the split to happen, then told them to talk to their dad seperatly.

Thanks both.

Magers he's assured me he will be supportive but yes, I did say at counselling that I was afraid he'd not be able to resist saying something snide. He really does have the kids' interests at heart even if he is misguided at times. So I think that if only for their sakes he will hold back.

I'm just worried that he won't be able to hold it together, and so is he I think.

I told my stbxh on the Saturday, he ignored me on the Sunday (pretty normal behaviour for him) and by the time I got home from work on the Monday he'd already told the DSs (16 & 17 at the time)... Probably trying to use them emotionally to back me into a corner as he too said (still says a yr later) it's not what he wants.

The difference was they weren't surprised, they knew how toxic our relationship was. I obviously spoke to them from my perspective and they fully understood. A year on they're still ok.

Good luck

I'm not at all sure about this so am open to other opinions but I wonder if it is the right thing to tell them now if you are all going to be living together for some time.

Won't you all living together be really confusing for them plus a little a bit cruel if they hope the change won't actually happen?

You can easily make an excuse for the separate bedrooms. Then tell them when he actually moves out?

I agree with morganly Why do you need to say anything if you are going to continue to live together?

I wouldn't say anything. Kids will notice the sleeping arrangements but probably won't comment.

I would only tackle this head on when you actually decide that one of you is moving out. Until then it's mixed messages IMO. Your separation is for you and your STBXH for legal reasons only. I don't see any need to bring the kids into it at this time.