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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going behind my friend's back...

19 replies

worriedandguilty · 13/10/2015 20:23

Long story - sorry.

Two years ago my friend had an accident which resulted in a brain injury (she nearly died). Fortunately she made an amazing recovery and things were looking bright. However over the last 6 months it seems like she has slipped backwards a bit....

My friend has always been quite self-centred and a bit abrupt but following her accident these aspects of her personality are much more pronounced and she has become a difficult person to be around. She doesn't pick up much on social cues and she is incredibly tactless, says exactly what is on her mind even if it is very hurtful. Her short term memory also seems to be deteriorating and she becomes fixated on certain topics - for example a particular hobby that she has. On top of that, she was made redundant three months ago - I suspect that her company manufactured a redundancy situation to get rid of her Sad Angry

Yesterday her dh dropped round at my house - he is very worried about her and about their financial position. The redundancy payment that my friend got is fast running out and they are struggling to pay the mortgage and other bills. My friend doesn't seem able to take this in. She hasn't registered to claim JSA and turned down a job that a friend offered her because she thought it was beneath her. Friend maintains that she has valuable skills and experience but she has applied for several relevant jobs and hasn't even been short-listed. She is quite cross about this but cannot see that she might not be able to do this work anymore. The area my friend works in is very niche, the community of employers will all know her and know about the changes in her personality. They will feel sad for her but I doubt that any of them will risk taking her on as an employee.

Friend's dh is at his wits end - every time he tries to discuss their situation, however gently he puts it, my friend apparently flies off the handle and it results in a furious row and she becomes even more entrenched in her view. I know some of this first hand because my friend has complained about her dh - from her perspective he doesn't have confidence in her abilities and is undermining her confidence.....

My friend's dh has asked for my help in 'supporting her' or 'persuading her' to take a job (any job) - before they run out of money completely and things get really difficult.

I feel so disloyal. Speaking to my friend's dh about my friend feels like a shabby and deceitful thing to do. And trying to 'persuade her' to do as her dh wishes feels like a complete betrayal. And yet I agree with her dh's viewpoint. Sadly I think my friend is deluded about her employment prospects. I was at an event a couple of weeks ago and I could see how former colleagues and contemporaries were backing away from her. They were pleasant and sociable but I saw my friend get fixated on her hobby, and people politely made their excuses. And she told an 'anecdote' about another colleague which was beyond tactless.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here.... do I tell my friend that I've spoken with her dh? do I disregard him and share my own opinion with my friend? I know that my friend would feel awful if she knew that her dh and I had spoken about her behind her back, but we are the 2 people who are closest to her and we share a concern. Its a horrible situation.

OP posts:
Clobbered · 13/10/2015 20:31

Ouch, this is really tricky. I think you have to try and approach this from a 'what's in her best interests' viewpoint. You and her DH are doing your best to help her, and I don't think discussing the best way forward is 'betraying' her at all. It doesn't sound as though your opinion is that different from her DH - he wants her to take a job so that they have income, you can see that she isn't in great shape to get a similar job to her old one, so perhaps persuading her to take whatever she can get, even as a stop-gap is indeed a sensible thing to do.
Do you think your friend is aware of her recent deterioration? Does she ever complain about her memory or anything? Could you mention going back to her GP for a follow-up? I wouldn't mention the conversation with her DH as it's likely to lead to a row. Sadly there may not be much you can do to help other than be supportive (to both of them).

RandomMess · 13/10/2015 20:37

Any chance of getting of health professional involved?

Have you ever had a discussion with your friend (at all) about her being different since her accident?

Bogeyface · 13/10/2015 21:00

I think that rather the focussing on getting her to take a job, he needs to speak to her consultant or at least GP about her behaviour.

Such a marked detrioration in the last 6 months may mean that there is more to this than the original injury and think she needs medical help to rule out any further damage or issues before anyone can think about getting her back into work.

Frankly, as much as I sympathise with their financial situation, she doesnt sound like she would keep down any job at the moment.

Original poster
worriedandguilty · 13/10/2015 21:06

I spoke with my friend about her being different about 18 months ago - but that was when it looked as though she might continue improving. She acknowledged it and (I think) appreciated the honesty. Maybe it's time for another conversation - but so difficult to do it sensitively and yet firmly enough that she might grasp it Sad

I don't know what a health professional could offer.... My friend would be well enough to hold down some sort of job, but not the kind she had previously. I don't imagine she'd be a priority for any kind of help or support - she can dress, cook, shop etc and tbh following her accident the clinical psychologists were appalling - a complete waste of time and space.

I suppose I also feel a bit bereft because in all of this I have also 'lost' a friend - she was the kind of person I could have discussed this with.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/10/2015 21:21

I was hoping a health professional could hold a meeting with her and her dh and perhaps you so they could help her accept that she's different now and she needs to adapt her expectations of herself etc.

I was thinking about you'd lost your friend and perhaps the person she is now wouldn't be someone that you would meet and become friends with IYSWIM hugs & Flowers

Is she actually sensitive about what others say to her?

Original poster
worriedandguilty · 13/10/2015 21:40

Thank you RandomMess - I don't think many people would be friends with her as she is now, and tbh I don't think her dh would marry someone like that. But we are all where we are. It's a bit like having a parent with dementia and grieving their loss even while they are still living with you.

I see what you mean about a health professional but I don't see how we could create that. I will think about it.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 13/10/2015 21:52

She is going to have to face the truth. It needs to come out.

It's a case of being a tad cruel to be kind.

You are truly trying to help and your interference is coming from a place of love if anything.

RandomMess · 13/10/2015 22:17

Even if they can explain that her brain injury means she is not able to be as good at her job as she used to be it could help make it easier for her to hear what is being said.

You and her dh must both feel so lost and helpless Sad

Original poster
worriedandguilty · 13/10/2015 23:09

It is difficult to know how sensitive she is to what people say... she doesn't pick up on any subtle cues, but I think she would be very, very hurt if I told her directly how people are reacting to her.

I feel I need to walk a difficult path between telling her and supporting her.

If you met her at a business event you might / might not like her - you'd possibly be impressed by her confidence. But today, there is nothing substantial behind that confidence -

  • now I feel guilty about sharing so much of her story on here... (I doubt she's on here, and I've nc'ed) ... but still she doesn't need me talking about to other people...
OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/10/2015 00:11

Well I would disagree and say that she does need you to talk about it because you clearly dont know how to help her and by posting you may get some helpful advice.

Brain injuries are such cruel things, they rob people of parts of their brain that makes them them. She is probably terrified and the anger and over confidence is masking that. She probably knows deep down that she cant do her old job, but doesnt want to face it so gets angry. That then could lead to lack of confidence in being able to do anything in the job world hence refusing to take jobs by saying they are beneath her.

I think her DH is expecting a lot tbh. I can understand that there are money worries, but expecting a woman 2 years from a serious brain injury who still has life altering damage to be able to make a meaningful contribution financially is naive.

Can they downsize to cut the mortgage? Downsize cars, lifestyle etc?

I think you need to talk to him about adjusting his expectations because while their financial situation isnt sustainable, pushing her into a job she may struggle with and doesnt want to do isnt going to work either.

Bogeyface · 14/10/2015 00:12

My first sentence sounded a little harsh, I didnt mean it to, I meant that by talking about it you are helping her, not going behind her back.

OwlFeathersFluff · 14/10/2015 09:49

Maybe ask MNHQ/to delete this when you are done. Threads come up in Google searches sometimes.

How very sad. I think you need to get health professionals involved. Is her DH a bit scared of her - sounds that way. Perhaps he needs to be firm and factual: 'I have noticed some deterioration in your functioning and we need to get your injuries re-assessed ...'. Getting an objective professional to deliver this news would be less hurtful I think.

MatrixReloaded · 14/10/2015 10:40

I agree with bogey that he needs to adjust his expectations.

The anger , and refusal to accept her limitations suggest she is in denial . It sounds like her husband is as well, to some extent. These people are very good www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx

AnotherCider · 14/10/2015 11:11

Oh, the anger. I remember that after my DFather's stroke. It comes when the limitations caused by the brain injury become apparent when they fail at things, and can't truly work out why.

She is a different person now, and your Friend's DH needs to realise and accept that.

LilaTheTiger · 14/10/2015 11:15

This charity are fab, they may be able to offer advice and support to all of you?
www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx

LilaTheTiger · 14/10/2015 11:16

Oh sorry Blush already been said

Yoksha · 14/10/2015 11:34

OP I'm so sad for all of you.Flowers for you. Is any of her immediate family around? Mum, dad or siblings? Health professional intervention is strongly suggested. Maybe the practice nurse in her gp's surgery. Her husband needs to re assess his expections. What about picking up forms from benefits office and offering to sit down and help her. Or better still, suggest her husband takes charge of the situation and take on board the more practical suggestions.

I'd rather my best friend and husband became honest with me, and lovingly advise me to consider everything you've mentioned if I was ever in a similar position. Easy to say I know.

ineedabodytransplant · 15/10/2015 17:31

Lila, you never need to apologise for double posting. I'd rather have two posts suggesting something helpful than none.

Original poster
worriedandguilty · 15/10/2015 18:37

Thank you everyone for your advice.

OP posts:
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