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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

tips for coping with dh family visiting

22 replies

cricketqueen · 13/10/2015 17:22

Hi all just wondering if you could give me any tips to cope with my dh family visiting. We have a bit of a difficult relationship which has got worse since our dd was born.
My mil has always had a problem with the fact that we have moved away from home, backed up by my sil who loves to make snide comments about how I have dragged my dh away from his family. Now that we have a dd this has got worse constant mentions of the fact they are missing out on her etc. They will only visit twice a year but expect to see us every month!! They are visiting this month and i'm dreading it.
I'm dreading the constant advice or just comments over my parenting. The comments about my house, which btw is clean just not bathed in bleach daily. The first thing she will do is take dd off me not matter whether dd is feeding, sleeping or crying.
My dh will be at work some of the time so I just need some tips to cope with the remarks and how not to lose my temper. If I say anything to her that she doesn't like she goes to her family and cries and tells them how I'm a horrible bitch who is trying to steal her son and grandchild away from her.
Thanks.

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 13/10/2015 17:25

The first thing she will do is take dd off me not matter whether dd is feeding, sleeping or crying.

Get a sling.

sil who loves to make snide comments about how I have dragged my dh away from his family

'Oh no SIL, do you need a tissue to dry your tears?'

My dh will be at work some of the time so I just need some tips to cope with the remarks and how not to lose my temper

'Oh I am off out now, see you later' Or your DH needs to take some annual leave to entertain his family whilst they are there.

Trooperslane · 13/10/2015 17:26

Yep, go out.

Fuck that shit.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 17:28

Er, don't let them in?!

Fugghetaboutit · 13/10/2015 17:30

I go out. Or go in another room. Actually mil doesn't come here, we go to hers so we can leave when we're ready.

Original poster
cricketqueen · 13/10/2015 17:37

I wish I didn't have to let then in haha. I might see if I can have some prearranged important thing to do on one of the days. My dh has already had to swap his hours around to accommodate them so he can't take any more time off, they have only given us 2 weeks notice, even though seemingly it has been arranged for months according to mil. Hmm arranged with who I'm not sure.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 17:38

Tell them to get a hotel or B&B then.
Boundaries, boundaries. But you'll need your DH's buy in to set them.

Shodan · 13/10/2015 17:42

Don't let her take the baby away from you. Either get a sling, as per Doreen's fab idea, or turn your body away from her.

If you can't get out while your DH is at work, use total silence and raised eyebrows-the kind that screams "How rude!"

TBH I'm not sure why you're having them as guests in your home at all. Does your DH back you up? Is he aware of how poorly they're treating his wife? My DH would go ballistic if anyone behaved like this to me, especially in my own home.

Shodan · 13/10/2015 17:44

You could also, I suppose, try the jokey manner:

"Anyone who is going to criticise my housekeeping won't be invited again!"

"Naughty naughty" (complete with wagging finger)

Etc.

All accompanied by tinkly little laughs. Sometimes works.

NameChange30 · 13/10/2015 17:50

I don't agree with raised eyebrows and jokes. I think you have to challenge them clearly and calmly every time they say or do something rude.

For example, criticising standards of cleanliness in your home:
"Please don't criticise the standards of cleanliness in our home, you are a guest here and it's rude."
And if they keep criticising:
"If you're not happy with the standards of cleanliness here, please feel free to book a hotel next time you visit."
And if they become abusive:
"Please leave."

And so on, and so on.

Original poster
cricketqueen · 13/10/2015 17:53

My dh does back me up but his mother is very manipulative and turns on the water works very quickly when confronted over anything I think over the years he has chosen to just ignore her mostly so as not to have all the drama.
They can't stay anywhere else as they seemingly have no money. If it's even suggested we get a long talking to about how hard life is for them living on their income and that it's inconsiderate for us to even ask. My dd is starting to crawl and is very clingy so I'm hoping she'll do most of the work for me in terms of refusing grandma holding her all the time.

OP posts:
Ememem84 · 13/10/2015 17:59

My mil stayed with us in the summer. She made the choice to move 12,500 miles away back to her home earlier last year. But now complains that we never see her. go figure

We don't get on.

I just made sure I was busy at any point I was likely to be alone with her (as this, going from past experience, is when she is at her most hurtful). Friends invited me out, I was at the gym, I had to work late.

Dh complained that I didn't spend time with her but because everything was pre arranged he couldn't even suggest that I was playing the avoidance card I was but had pre-arranged it

Lauren15 · 13/10/2015 18:07

I always arrange a girls night out when my ILs come! My friends are happy to be of service! I also make some appointments hair /dentist etc and take extra long coming home. I don't get comments about cleanliness but I'd probably let it wash over me.

Plumm · 13/10/2015 18:07

I realise it's two late now, but next time they only give you two weeks notice of a visit you have to say no - DH working, you're too busy - then you arrange a time convenient to you.

How long are they staying for and what arrangements has DH made for being at home with them?

Plumm · 13/10/2015 18:08

Too, not two

Original poster
cricketqueen · 13/10/2015 18:11

Three days. He is home for 1 1/2 of them. He works shifts so this was the most he could do on short notice.

OP posts:
shutupanddance · 13/10/2015 18:12

Make this visit the last to you. If dc is old enough, send dh with child to visit them. If you must go, keep it short. Afternoon nap, anyone?

shutupanddance · 13/10/2015 18:14

Also, agree with arranging to go out with friends, yo gym etc

Ememem84 · 13/10/2015 21:42

Try as well if you can to get your friends to have "emergencies"

Aussiebean · 13/10/2015 22:04

I would hide any important documents that you don't want them nosing around in.

If they critise your cleaning, put them to the cupboard with all the cleaning supplies and say 'how nice of you to offer to help with the cleaning'

If they critise your parenting, look at them in horror and say 'oh no, the doctors have advised strongly against that, they warn you against it in the hospital. Apparently so many children died or were seriously injured when their parents did that. Luckily dh wasn't one of those eh'

Also hand her over when the nappy is very dirty and show them were the change table is. They want to spend time with her... Well they should get the entire experience.

But don't be afraid to take her back when they are done and she is nice and clean.

WorkingBling · 13/10/2015 22:13

Let her hold dd. But if you are feeding or she is sleeping or whatever, just say, "she's just feeding/sleeping/whatever now but you can definitely have a cuddle after". Then let them have the cuddle.

For everything else, just firmly and politely disagree - "the house is fine for us, thank you." Etc.

TopsyRose · 13/10/2015 22:29

This sounds just like my PIL. They have stressed me out no end in the past. Thanks to all the helpful advice on MN I think I have them under control now:

I don't see them on my own anymore. DH spoke to them and told them under no uncertain terms that they are to come when he is available so as not to impose on me and my routine with the baby.

When MIL inevitably says something to upset me I either ignore it or politely tell her that I disagree and then change the subject.

If I am feeding the baby or he is sleeping and they want to hold him, I say politely "he's doing X now, but as soon as it's done I'll pass him over".

They have actually been surprisingly compliant (to my face anyway!) and their last visit wasn't that stressful!

DoreenLethal · 13/10/2015 22:47

When she turns on the waterworks, quietly put a box of tissues on the table, and leave the room with your child to go 'do some stuff'.

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