Feeling inadequate

[BSBAR]

Has anyone experienced a deep sense of inadequacy in a relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years and now live together. Overall I would say our relationship is fantastic. We love being in eachother's company, are sweet together, laugh a lot. We have a nice comfortable life together and talk about the future often. He is a very intelligent hardworking man, good-looking, funny and I would say overall, a good catch. I feel very lucky.

When my self esteem is low however, I have this awful sense of not being good enough for him. Not attractive enough, intelligent enough, confident enough - generally the worst inferiority complex you could imagine. I know how unhealthy this is, and I can't work out whether it's something he is doing, or something I am doing. He does have a tendency to judge people quite harshly (my friends for example) and this doesn't help. He can be extremely sweet to me, but he does also make cheeky comments which I end up taking personally.

When it's really bad I slip into self-destruct mode, I start fantasising that he's flirting with other women behind my back. He has lots of female friends who he chats to online a lot (and male friends, he is not from this country so he keeps in touch with people back home via facebook etc). I keep looking for evidence that he's going off me, and I know this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wish I knew how to stop being so insecure.

The last few weeks have been quite bad, we've had a few arguments and both of us haven't been in great spirits although it is up and down. This week he announced he is meeting a girl who I don't know much about, other than they once lived together years ago. I've seen her photo and she's beautiful! I don't know what he's doing meeting her but when he told me I got that sick feeling. I really have to watch how I react with this, but I also don't want to be walked all over.

Any advice?

Why is he keeping you in the dark about his intentions meeting this girl? If she's just a friend then why hasn't he explained? Do you think he is purposely trying to get a reaction from you?

Also what type of things has he called your friends? I would be furious If my DH kept slagging my friends off, it would also make me too question If he was judging me in a similar way.

If you could expand a bit maybe :)

First of all, I thought how feelings of inadequacy are normal enough. I fell like that often, and not just in relationships. It's just what it's like to have low confidence. I find that by achieving the things you thought you couldn't do, you prove yourself better than you thought and that helps.

Remember that other people's perception of you may be a lot different to your own. You may not think yourself attractive, but you may be incredibly attractive to him. As for intelligent enough, your eloquence is good enough for me to think you must be pretty smart.

But, he may be the one making you think this. It may be quite innocent, but on the other hand your insecurity might be the result knowing that he's up to something.

I'd advise caution at this point. But think, have you been like this with anyone else? Are you generally someone with low confidence, or is it something you've only been experiencing since he has been around?

By "cheeky" comments, do you mean cutting, sarcastic comments that if you act hurt about or call him on, he tells you he was just joking or you're too sensitive?

What was your self esteem like before you got together with him?

Why haven't you asked why he's meeting this ex?

He told me they were meeting for a quick catch up after work this week and that he would be back by half 7. We both sometimes meet friends of the opposite sex on our own (every now and again) but it hasn't happened for a while. It's just the idea that they've obviously been chatting away all this time, and I don't know to what extent or what about. I also don't know an awful lot about her because he's not spoken about her recently. I don't want to be prying into his social life, I know it's good to have a healthy amount of independence and space, but it's the fact that this meeting has coincided with us being in a quite a low patch, that worries me.

He makes rude comments about a number of things, about them revolving their lives around men or being competitive or attention seeking. Some of his observations I agree with, but it's not a very forgiving attitude. I think he likes my friends really, he's just quite a critical person. He has acknowledged this and wants to change. It's a sign of someone being quite self-critical I guess.

TheKnightsWhoSayNi - Thank you for your kind words! I have been insecure in relationships before yes but in my last long term relationship, I didn't feel inadequate. It just ended for other reasons.

category12 - I think my self-esteem was rocked by other circumstances in my life when my current boyfriend and I first met. I lost my father 6 months before we first met, my brother stopped talking to me and my mother met someone new - a lot to adjust to. I think I am still grieving the loss of my father and there's a lot of anger there which does affect my overall mood.

Regarding the comments - they are quite sarcastic I would say. Sometimes I find it funny and am able to laugh at myself, but other times I am sensitive and see it as a subtle 'dig'.

Just to clarify - as far as I know this girl isn't an ex, I think they shared a house together. I just know that if I ask loads of questions, he'll get really angry at me for being possessive. I know jealousy is a turn off, and I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend, but I can't pretend I'm ok with this.

Signs of subtle emotional abuse, maybe?

I just know that if I ask loads of questions, he'll get really angry at me for being possessive.

Ugh, will he really get angry? How do you know? Does he get angry often?

Do you think he might be a bit cocky??

I'm insecure and I very often feel inadequate compared to everyone my handsome, clever, funny, sexy DH. He can be very cutting too, but not about my friends or family. But he'd never get angry if I questioned him about meeting another woman. He might think I was being insecure, needy or odd, but he'd never get angry about it. He's never got angry about anything I've ever done, and I've done plenty of weird stuff!

Anger isn't a good sign.

Perhaps angry is the wrong word - he'll basically go off in a huff and shut down the conversation. It will result in an argument, as opposed to a calm adult conversation, in other words.

Being critical of your friends, and cutting towards you, are pretty bad signs, BSBAR.

People like you who feel inadequate often set the bar far too low in relationships, accepting shoddy treatment because that's what they (subconsciously) think they deserve.

People whose low self-esteem leads them to accept bad treatment often end up in relationships with other people whose own low self-esteem leads them to treat others with contempt, so that they can feel more powerful.

I note that you seem to excuse away his critical attitude towards others as a sign that he is self-critical. That may well be true. It's an explanation, though, not an excuse for treating others with contempt.

Unkindness towards others is not ok, whatever the reason.

Him being unkind to you is not ok.

RiceCrispieTreats - I agree with you and sometimes, when you are too close to the situation, it's hard to see the comments and behaviour objectively. I raise it with him when I feel he's being unkind, and he usually agrees with me and apologises, so he knows he is doing it. He even said the other day, if he carries on like this, he'll end up alone. The question is, where do I go from here?

Hmm, so he huffs off if challenged, so you're trying to avoid by hiding your feelings? I'm a bit concerned that you're trying to be the "cool girlfriend" and not able to express valid emotions because he'll respond badly.

What would happen if you made the same sort of sarky remarks to him? (I'm not advocating doing so, just suspect he wouldn't respond well).

Has he been in a relationship with somebody very controlling before OP?

moopymoodle - He has definitely spoken about his mother as being very difficult, critical and controlling. she doesn't speak English so I haven't experienced it directly. Maybe the negative comments are learned behaviour, and perhaps he is testing me to make sure I don't turn into her!

Category12 - I do play the cool girlfriend, and am perhaps too laid back sometimes, but I always raise a problem that needs addressing. It's a hard balance to strike!