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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OW putting selfless of her with my daughter on social media

26 replies

QwertyQueen · 13/10/2015 12:53

Says it all really.
STBXH and her have been together 2 years now, divorce going through on Thursday (probably why I am having a very emotional response), but I saw a picture of her taking a selfie with my 4YO daughter, and a pic of her and my STBXH doing a selfie with her too.
It hurts like hell. That was supposed to be my family.
And to put it on social media - fuck.
I want to e-mail her and tell her to take all picture of my children off her accounts. Can I do that?
Or am I over reacting and must just learn to deal with it, that she is part of my kids lives and get over myself?

OP posts:

Crosbybeach · 13/10/2015 12:58

It's awful, it must hurt like anything and quite insenstive of them.

On the other hand, its much better that she likes your daughter and wants to be part of her life. It really hurts but, as much as possible, for your daughter's sake now and in the future you need to deal with this with dignity, not make your daughter feel awkward or that she's stuck in the middle and that her life can be as normal as possible.

So, you aren't over reacting, but it might be best to take deep breaths, don't look at the social media, and work out a way of managing in the future. You kind of have to suck it up for the kids I think. If they are still together in 20 year's time there'll be weddings, graduations, all sorts of things coming up where, for your daughter's sake you'll want it to be as normal as possible.

Stop looking at the social media.

MakeThemEatCake · 13/10/2015 12:59

I don't think you can tell her to take the pictures off as, from my limited knowledge the person who takes the photos owns them.

However, it's going to hurt seeing pics like that, so I totally get where you're coming from

I recommend staying away from social media for a while, it is not good for the soul IME.

Notahappybunny76 · 13/10/2015 13:01

Whilst it must hurt, I would try to let it go. As someone else says, it's at least good that she seems to like your daughter. You can't turn the clock back and so for me making the best of the current situation is probably best for your long term well being.

AuntieStella · 13/10/2015 13:01

No, you can't do that. Your STBX presumably has PR and can therefore decide about publishing pictures just as much as you can.

You can talk to him about it, but I suggest you don't do it now whilst you're feeling so raw.

And I'm sorry. There can be really shit moments, and they can come at you at any time. And this definitely sounds like one of them.

Original poster

QwertyQueen · 13/10/2015 13:02

I agree regarding social media. I haven't looked in months. But with the divorce this week I did look… I was looking at pictures of the STBXH to see how I felt. He is like a stranger to me now and it is weird. But I didn't expect to see photos of them playing happy families with MY baby.

OP posts:

BojackHorseman · 13/10/2015 13:06

It's not just your baby though is it, your ex husband has a responsibility for her too and as much as I hate to say it at least the OW has taken an interest in her.

Stop looking at her social media page as all you will achieve is getting wound up and upset.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2015 13:16

I understand.
My 5yo was on fb in a happy 'family' shot and I thought "get your fucking hands off MY child".

But you have to focus on the good side of it, as others have said. You want more than anything for your child to be happy, and not feel torn by a divorce.

It does get easier, I promise you.

Last weekend I cycled past MY old house, that I still own a third of, to find my XH, my child and the 'new family' out on the front lawn. I stopped for 5 mins, chatted to my child, other children ran over, the new GF waved. It was actually quite lovely, like when you see them having fun on a playdate.

Your child... She knows who her mum is. She loves her mum. But she's happy. Isn't that a good thing?

Big hugs though, I do understand.

BojackHorseman · 13/10/2015 13:20

I've just realised how cold and unsympathetic my post sounds, sorry OP, I do understand where you are coming from and it will get easier.

christinarossetti · 13/10/2015 13:31

On the other hand, I don't think it's a bad idea to have a discussion with your husband about putting pictures of your children on social media.

Although if you and he do, then there's no argument to make that his new partner shouldn't, I don't think.

Original poster

QwertyQueen · 13/10/2015 13:37

thanks for the understanding words :(

OP posts:

honeyroar · 13/10/2015 13:38

You need to remove them from your Facebook page and stop torturing yourself. Even if you usually do stay away from them and only look now and again, it will be at low moments when you look..

People who have said that the most important thing is that the child is happy were right. I know it must be hard. But the child needs to feel load and happy with both parents and that both sides are family and love her.

I'm a stepmum. I was nothing to do with the breakup, she had had an affair and left to marry him, but even so I can see it's difficult for the mother. I love my stepson, I've been around for 10yrd, I think, hope he loves me too. But I'm not his mum. I've never tried to be. He already has a mum. I'm still proud of him and happy when things go well for him.

Try and do us on the fact that she's smiling and happy at her dad's rather than sad. It's a good thing.

IrianofWay · 13/10/2015 13:38

"On the other hand, I don't think it's a bad idea to have a discussion with your husband about putting pictures of your children on social media.
"

Yes, quite.

honeyroar · 13/10/2015 13:38

Focus, not do us!

Asteria36 · 13/10/2015 13:50

I can imagine it is still rather raw for you, but try and see the silver lining here. Your child is happy.
DH has said that he found it tough coming to terms with someone else parenting his children, but now he is just really sad that is exW's partner is so cold and aloof towards his children. The most important thing is how happy the children are in any divorce situation. In my opinion the parents feelings are totally insignificant if the children are happy. It isn't easy to see your child being happy with someone else, but the alternative is a miserable and confused child that will suffer emotionally way into the future.
I have photographs of myself and my DSC on social media, I also have photos of my DS. I have been their stepmother for a number of years and am extraordinarily proud of all of them.

fastdaytears · 13/10/2015 13:54

If you and your XH don't have pictures of the kids on FB etc then you could say something, but honestly your XH will immediately say that he gave permission regardless of whether he did.

Block (or unfollow) and don't waste energy on it. It's probably the divorce going through making everything seem worse.

christinarossetti · 13/10/2015 14:10

I think there are two issues at play here, both heightened by the impending divorce.

Firstly, your feelings that she's 'stolen' your family. Have you had any counselling or the like? These is such a difficult experience to process, and I think few people do it successfully without professional help tbh.

Secondly, the issue of your children's pictures being put on SM. This is something that you can have a discussion with your children's father about, if you think something needs to change.

Hope that this week goes smoothly for you.

Shutthatdoor · 13/10/2015 14:21

But I didn't expect to see photos of them playing happy families with MY baby

She is your STBX daughter too. As hard as it may be to acknowledge that. It is a fact that can't be changed.

tootsietoo · 13/10/2015 14:28

That is awful. I feel a bit like that when SIL (who won't accept my friend request) puts pics of her and my children up, and obviously your situation is really difficult. And I always avoid commenting on or liking a particular friend's posts with pics of her stepson because I know his mother might see and it must be really hard.

I agree it is probably best not to be on social media for a bit.

shovetheholly · 13/10/2015 14:29

Oh gosh, I can't imagine seeing that. I can understand completely how it would hurt like hell.

But there is nothing you can do, except to tell yourself all the rational things - she's your daughter, no OW will ever be a 'substitute' for Mum, it's good that she's taking an interest etc etc etc.

And then maybe go for a run or take up martial arts and kick something with all your might!!

AndDeepBreath · 13/10/2015 19:03

Remember also that one day she'll look back on those photos and remember damn well whether it was a happy time or not. It's one thing to get a kid to pose and grin in a photo, another to establish a meaningful long lasting relationship.

You're her mum, and one of the things you'll probably sadly need to guide her in is how to deal with having a step mum/ other sort of mum figures in life ... The more graciously you manage that (though I appreciate its easier said than done) the more she'll know you're her ultimate "safe space" who she can come to any time for any reason.

springydaffs · 13/10/2015 20:31

Do you put up photos of your kids? If not then I think you can ask ex not to do it.

She's a complete slag anyway, don't forget

Ouch ouch ouch. Really feel for you

TooSassy · 13/10/2015 20:40

Good god, I do love modern technology but jeez it has a dark side.

I'm with the other posters. Hide them/ Unfriend them/ block them or better still come off some of those sites entirely for the time being. Unfortunately you have very little right to ask them to stop posting. But I do get why it hurts.

One thing I do know is this. You're her mum. No one and I mean no one can take your place. Be secure in that. And until you can see things like that without it hurting, just come off social media. I've replaced my FB time with mnet time having come off it myself!

Hugs OP.

Original poster

QwertyQueen · 15/10/2015 07:46

Thanks all.
I know I am her mum and am very secure that our relationship will always be a strong one.
I think it's the actual divorce date that has set me back.
I have been pushing for 2,5 years for this divorce.
He is a controlling narcissist who has made it so difficult for me, and has tried to make me sell the very modest flat we live in so he can take his money and buy his own place. Which would be fair enough if there was money in the pot, but there isn't.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, my fighting has finally paid off and we are reaching a much better settlement for the kids - with me paying him off his equity over a year. And he is finally going to start paying a fair maintenance.
I am financially crippled (in the short term), and it pains me how he gets this new sparky life.
I know, I know, this is a new beginning for me too.
But the emotions are just coming to a head.
Off to meet with my lawyer in 45 minutes, have to wait around for 4 hours until they call the divorce cases on the roll, then 3 minutes in the dock, and it is done. Over.
I hope I walk out the court feeling better.
Springydaffs, thanks for making me laugh - that WAS helpful! :)

OP posts:

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 15/10/2015 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndDeepBreath · 15/10/2015 08:02

Oh dear ... It can only get better from here I hope. Good luck this morning Qwerty

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