Should I end my long distance relationship?

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

I'm so confused by my feelings at the moment and can't make a decision so I'd really appreciate some honest opinions.

I met my Bf just over a year ago whilst working abroad and we live in different countries. At first things were great and the plan was that he would convert his qualifications to uk ones ( involves passing 2 exams) after he finishes an intern year in his country and then applies for jobs here. I thought this would take around 18 months but I'm starting to realise that he's delaying sitting the exam and the whole process will take at least another year and that's if he passes first time.

At first handling the distance was easy for me, I was very cynical about men when we met. I'd been through a horrendous first marriage (after 3 beautiful children) and a string of idiot arses after that so it took a long time to trust again and I liked getting to know him slowly (we talk everyday on the phone and see each other every 3-4 months).

He is such a great guy, a genuine lovely person but I'm so unhappy in this relationship recently. I want us to be together and I think we could have a great life together but there are so many ifs involved and I'm worried I'm wasting my time waiting for something that might never happen. He tells me he's going to sit the first exam in November but isn't studying for it at all and spends most of his free time going out.

I miss physical affection and feel incredibly lonely and trapped. His communication has been crap the last few months and he's started going out more. We used to Skype every day and now we Skype less than once a month (but still talk on the phone everyday). Our conversations lack quality and I feel like we just go over the same boring topics. He's not overly romantic and I've hinted that this is something I need in a relationship. I sent him some 'open me when cards' for Valentine's Day last year and took a long time writing meaningful sentiments and he never bothered to pick them up from the post office so I won't be doing anything like that again. I want him to send me sweet things he's made, a tshirt of his, just anything that shows he's making some kind of effort to keep things going.

I guess your wondering why I'm even having to ask if I should leave, our relationship sounds pathetic in writing. I'll admit a massive part of me is scared to let go. I'm scared of ending something that could be so great if I just hold on another year. I'm scared I'll be even more alone than I am already, I'll miss having someone to ask how my day has been. I'm scared I'll keep meeting arses and I'll always look back at this relationship and wonder what if. I also know I can't carry on like this for much longer, I'm losing myself and feel rejected and lonely.

I've told him how I feel so many times and he tries to reassure me that he loves me and that all will be great one day. He suggested today that I'm upset because I don't go out as much as he does so I miss him more. The truth is I'm a mum, I work full time and the last thing I want to do is go out partying every weekend. I want to watch a movie at home with my boyfriend or go for dinner with my couple friends or go to weddings with a plus one, normal relationship stuff. I worry he's not ready to be in a serious relationship if he still thinks going out every weekend and drinking is fun as I'm so over all that now. I like my independence but I can't see much point in being in a relationship that is pretty much a fantasy and not much more for a hefty chunk of time.

I know some of my thoughts are completely unreasonable, such as being mad at him for not being there to help me and missing important events. I know he would be there if he could but I can't help feeling resentful that I'm still on my own. My trust is also fading even though I have little reason to doubt him. He used to talk about missing sex but we go weeks now without even mentioning it. I have anxiety and i struggle making basic decisions so I really need to hear so honest opinions.

What would you do in my situation? Stay or go?

Just about everything I've read says go. It doesn't sound like a relationship to look forward to. It sounds as though it's died. Move on.x

It doesn't sound as though you're in the same places in your lives. You have three children; I assume he doesn't have any? That's very, very different. He's living like a man in his early twenties - no reason why he shouldn't, but you're not living like a woman in her early twenties (and neither do you want to.)

He doesn't sound as though he's rushing things. He's out all the time, doesn't mention sex... are you sure he's not seeing other women?

Definitely go. I can't see how you can sustain a relationship in those circumstances (only seeing even other every three or four months?) It sounds like he's moving on anyway.

Each other sorry.

I don't think you should be worrying about asking yourself "What if?" in the future if you break up.

Rather, you should be asking yourself "What IS" the current value of the relationship and is it worth continuing even though you are miserable right now?

Some men have a habit of stringing women along because they don't want to "hurt" them. Might he be doing this?

End it.

All that will happen if you give it another year is that you'll spend another year being miserable while you watch the relationship continue to die. It's not going to get better. If he wanted to fix this he could, but he's not motivated to move it along the agreed path.

Don't worry about what might have been. You won't find someone better while you devote your time to nursing this terminally ill relationship.

I say this as someone who spent 2 years in an broken and unfixable relationship. Afterwards I was kicking myself at the amount of time I wasted.

You have a clear idea of what you want - but you won't ever find the sort of relationship/person you describe while you're with this guy.

I can't carry on like this for much longer, I'm losing myself and feel rejected and lonely
No-one should feel like this in a relationship, especially not after less than 1 year! Of course you feel lonely, he's not on the same page and it doesn't sound like he's taking any of this seriously - brushing off your worries because you "don't go out as much as he does". And not collecting your parcel from the PO was just mean.

Stop wasting your precious time, and good luck

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I'm pretty sure I'm not being strung along and I'm about as cynical as they come! I'm not sure what he would get from it as LDR's are so much hard work and it's not like he can be using me for sex or money or anything else. I think his feelings for me are genuine which is why it's so hard to leave. I know he's scared about failing the exams as I've made it clear I won't wait for him forever and there will be a point where we both have to accept we can't be together. He tells me he's willing to try though and acknowledges he should be focusing on the exams, he's a procrastinator generally. I know he has doubts about moving here though.

He doesn't have children and has no clue what looking after children entails. This is another source of worry because obviously at some point the plan would be to live together with my children. I can't blame him for going out though, he has a stressful job and has no commitments at home and he does text me when he gets home so I doubt he's with other women although it could be possible. It just means we talk even less and makes the distance between us feel even bigger.

I've been stressed lately which might be part of the reason he doesn't mention sex, he is always supportive if I have any problems. It's not like we can do it anyway although I feel unattractive because I don't feel like he misses it from me.

I guess what I'm struggling with is am I unhappy because I'm a needy person that expects too much from a relationship and can't just relax and see where things go or am I normal and reacting like anyone would in this situation. There are so many stories of people making LDR's work and eventually being together and I really want to be one of those people.

I don't want to give up but then I acknowledge that I should be evaluating how I feel right now in the relationship, which the honest answer is crappy.

What if he's the one and I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself to wait and find out. He's supposed to be coming here for Xmas and the thought of spending it alone is horrible but I need to make up my mind before he books the flight.

I'm scared of ending something that could be so great if I just hold on another year.

But you don't have to wait another year- the first exam is next month, isn't it? If he wanted to be with you that badly he'd be working his balls off to make sure he passed that exam to make sure you'd be together as soon as possible. But he's not, he's out on the piss and watching the tv with subtitles on when you're on the phone together (well, that's what I used to do).

You say he's doing an internship; is there an age difference? Not that that really matters. There's a certain level of engagement required to sustain a relationship and he's not got it. Imagine if, by some miracle, he passes his exams and rolls up at your house. You'd be facing the same issues, except you'd be thinking, "I can't throw him out, he moved here for me".

I'm scared I'll keep meeting arses and I'll always look back at this relationship and wonder what if.

I think you've got accept that he is an arse, he was just less arse-like at the beginning and he has now reverted to type. At least the others had the good grace to be upfront about it!

Jaffa, you are totally normal. Seeing each other every 3-4 months is not enough.
How far away is your LDF?

Thecraicdealer, you're right!!! I always have to ask him to turn the tv off when we're on the phone as I can hear it in the background. I never thought much of it but he's probably disconnected while we talk and that's what I can feel on the other end.

We're 2 years apart in age (him 28, I'm 30). He's a Dr and has to pass both exams before registering with the GMC and his internship finishes in March so can't leave before then. He can't apply for jobs here until after that and part 2 has to be sat a few months after part 1. He was supposed to be arranging an observership here before part 2 (suggested by me) as it will give him an upper hand in the exam but feels like he's waiting for me to write the letters.

I have worried that if it doesn't work out here then I'll be stuck with him through guilt of making him move for me. We live about 5000 miles apart so no chance of seeing each other any more often as flights are expensive and neither of us has the funds to travel more often.

I can't get my head around him being an arse. What does he do that makes him an arse (not being defensive, just can't see what I'm missing).
I'm feeling even more confused now.

It doesn't sound as if being in this relationship is making your life better.

Well I ended things last night and it feels horrible. He text me saying he loves me this morning and can we still talk.

Thanks everyone for your previous replies.

You did the right thing. His actions show he's not really committed to you. It may hurt now but it's freed you up to meet someone who can give you what you want and deserve.

Stay strong!

You'd grown apart OP and although it's hard you need to be free to find what you're looking for from a relationship. You were unhappy in a distant relationship and you're at very different life stages even though close enough in age.