Choosing the right man (advice from anyone who has done it)

[MockedBird]

I'm 38 now and have never been married. Three long term relationships of note, a lot of flings, a few dates and really can safely say have probably not had a relationship were I truly loved the guy and he was a good person for probably 15 years.

I had a baby at 25 by the wrong man and devoted myself to being a Mum and my work and stayed single a long time, then settled down with Mr Nice Guy - the one I thought loved me a lot and I grew to love him as much back over time (although he was never my dream if I am honest). He ended up leaving me.

I casually date now, but I would love to have another baby (not sure that is a pipe dream of not) and what I truggle with is deciding what I should be doing.

I am lucky in the sense that I have great family and friends, great job, amazing kid and that I am never short on a date or men intrested in me and I work quite hard at dating (sometimes exhausts me) but in the last few years have only met one who I felt the thunderbolt for and for whatever reason it didn't blossom as I had hoped it would.

My question is really whether or not I should be looking for a nice man, I find attractive who is good to me and wants the same things and giving it a chance to blossom even if it doesn't feel quite 100% right, or if I should be waiting for another thunderbolt.

I am not sure what the diferrence is between "settling" and making a decision with your head and I am scared that I will settle down with someone who ticks all the boxes and maybe miss my chance at my big love or if maybe that is an idea from movies that has no bearing on real happiness.

Right now the two men sort of in my life are the one who I am deeply attracted to and want to be with, but who is absolutely not in the same place in his life and the one who wants all the same things as me but who doesn't feel like home the way the other one does.

I am lonely, see a lot of threads on here about that and I know I am not the only one, but I am afraid of both picking too quickly or too slowly and marrying for the sake of it instead of because I could not live without the guy.

Any input from people who feel certain they chose the right man? Was it because of the thunderbolt, or because you both committed to a life together and chose to work at it?

Commitment and choosing to work at it for this marriage. First was of the thunderbolt type but it didn't last. Once the thunderbolt became a bit of a damp squib, there was nothing left that we had in common except for a couple of wonderful kids. He was a useless father to them too, so there was nothing to salvage except my sanity and my future.

I was very young, mid twenties. Since then, I've run from thunderbolts. Don't trust my judgement if I'm honest. And I'm happy with commitment. Less drama and more genuine love of the long lasting variety now.

The (few) really successful couples I know have the following things in common:

• Self-respect. This is crucial. People who can't stand on their own two feet (needy or controlling types) make any relationship unbalanced.
• Mutual respect (this is a given between people who respect themselves already).
• Mutual support (being a cheerleader rather than a caretaker).
• Frank admiration of the other's qualities.
• Similar values. Interests can be wildly different, but not values.
• Commitment to the relationship.

Second ricecrispie. Mainly respect. Plus, I like the person my oh is. Not just love but a deep liking of who he is.