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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel so stupid; lie of omission...

26 replies

markmeoutoften · 12/10/2015 13:30

Any advice would be appreciated...
I've been with my boyfriend for approx 4 months now, we live a couple of hours apart and I do the travelling as I work in that city so he hasn't come to visit me yet.
I've told a stupid lie. Well more a lie of omission. On our first date he asked if I had a car as I was in the country. I said yes, which was true. However I don't drive yet. I'm learning (more on that shortly).
Since then, various driving conversations have come up. Some about cars and we have been on holiday and hired a car where he did all of the driving.
He assumes I can drive. I've not set him straight although I haven't, to my memory, outright alluded to driving on my own. When I do it's with one of my relatives sitting in the passenger seat!
I think I thought I'd just get over it by passing my test. And at 29 I feel ashamed that I can't drive. However the reason I've never really got on with it is because of my sight. I have a condition that means I have no depth perception and even descending unfamiliar stairs is a challenge.
So I've spoken with my instructor, optician etc and they seem to be in agreeance that, while it's not illegal to drive with my sight, that I will find it exceptionally hard. So I think it's likely that I won't be a driver now or in the future.
And now I have to tell my boyfriend. It's the one and only lie I've told (or rather, not corrected him on) and I just feel so bloody stupid. What started as not wanting to broach me not driving because I was ashamed has now gone on for 4 months and it's going to be such a big deal. I think it's best just to tell him via email. I don't know how he will react or if he will think less of me. It sounds so juvenile and I feel pretty dumb. I appreciate I might get some harsh words but it would also be helpful to know what exactly I might be able to say to him?! If anyone has advice it would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

fearandloathinginambridge · 12/10/2015 13:51

just tell him what you have said here. It's not the worst thing in the world is it. If he's a decent sort he'll just tell you what a dafty you're being and things will move on. I just can't imagine getting angry about this myself when my partner is otherwise trustworthy and lovely. I'm intrigued as to why you are so worried about it.

DadDadDad · 12/10/2015 13:55

I think it depends on exactly what conversations you've had about this, but somehow you should come clean as soon as you can.

If need be, apologise, explain about your eye problems, and move on. I guess his reaction will show you whether he's worth keeping as a boyfriend!

fearandloathinginambridge · 12/10/2015 13:59

Also, don't tell him by email. Tell him when you see him. Preparing a special email will make it into something bigger than it is.

ImperialBlether · 12/10/2015 14:01

I don't understand. Why didn't you just say, "Yes, I've got a car but I haven't passed my test yet"?

How do you find driving when you have someone with you? Why are you continuing the lessons if you think it'll be too difficult for you?

And does he drive?

Friendlystories · 12/10/2015 14:01

If you really feel you're too far in and admitting to the lie will cause more damage than it's worth could you maybe say your optician has reviewed your condition and said it's no longer safe for you to drive? I wouldn't normally advocate lying in any form but as this one has no real significance for your bf maybe it would be better to just gloss over it rather than make a big confession. Others may disagree but it just sounds like you've dug yourself a bit of a hole and given the new developments in your ability to drive in the future I'm not sure there's any harm in not mentioning that you never actually got as far as passing your test.

ImperialBlether · 12/10/2015 14:02

Sorry for all the questions! How do you get to his house? Wouldn't he assume you had driven there?

Gruach · 12/10/2015 14:04

It's about an aspect of your health. I'd say you're entitled to keep that private until you've known someone for a little while.

He may well be a little annoyed at not having been told the complete truth, but he can't possibly be annoyed about the reason for your lack of driving ability.

Original poster

markmeoutoften · 12/10/2015 14:09

I'll try to answer all questions (and thank you for the input so far!)

I don't know why I'm so worried about it. It's probably because I feel stupid. There's other (actual) stress in my life at the moment and I think it's magnifying my worry.
He lives in central London so no reason for him to think I would drive into central.
He does drive, yes.
I wish I knew why I hadn't just said that in the first place. I think it was a misplaced sense of pride. I've paused lessons for the time being. I find driving very difficult and I'm learning/driving an auto. I purely feel like I'm guessing because of the lack of depth perception.

This is honestly the stupidest thing I've done. I mean, why?! I'd be saying the same as all of you and shaking my head. I'd be tempted with the 'optician says not safe to drive' which is true but obviously i have never driven. I'd be worried about a family member referencing the fact I can't drive down the line.

I really like (love) him and I'm very fond of him. But I don't think I'd want to be with someone who told such a dopey lie. This is coupled with the fact that he's having to deal with a lot on my side at the moment including seeing a lot less of me as my daughter's dad has dropped his time with her significantly. I just feel like one big problem!

OP posts:

Friendlystories · 12/10/2015 14:17

Could you cover it by telling him what the optician said and then casually saying 'so my instructor says I can't carry on with my lessons' as though you'd already mentioned you were still learning, kind of pass it off as a misunderstanding rather than an outright lie? It's difficult to know if that would work without knowing exactly what's already been said, just trying to find ways to avoid you having to make a big confession about something which, in the grand scheme of things, probably doesn't matter all that much.

cosytoaster · 12/10/2015 14:19

I think honesty is nearly always the best policy and you should come clean and explain it in a straightforward manner and then take it from there. I think you're making it into a bigger thing than it is and that's only going to get worse the longer you leave it. I suspect he'll be fine about it.

DadDadDad · 12/10/2015 14:20

But I don't think I'd want to be with someone who told such a dopey lie

The logic here is that you are assuming that your b/f is someone who wouldn't want to be with you if he discovers you've misled him this way (it's still not clear if you really have misled him).

Well, if your b/f is such a person, wouldn't it be better for you to find that out sooner rather than later? And if your assumption is wrong - ie actually he is capable of getting over a "dopey lie" - then isn't it best to find that out soon, and realise he's a b/f worth keeping? Being able to forgive and forget sometimes is a sign of a healthy relationship.

sparkleup · 12/10/2015 14:20

This may sound like strange advice considering what I'm about to say. I react badly to liars.

However the few times someone has had the balls to say 'hey sparkle, I may have led you to believe x' I've reacted a lot more calmly. Largely because its not an out and out lie. And often because the people who tell me before I find out usually have a reasonable excuse. In your case, you have your health and you clearly are ashamed you can't drive yet. I'd find that a perfectly decent reason to hide something (that isn't at all shameful btw, especially given your health - I'm older, I don't drive purely because I hate it with a passion). And as others have said, if he's worth anything he won't think badly of you for it if you admit it.

Why don't you try starting with something like:
BF, I'm sorry but I think I may have slightly mislead you. You asked a while ago if I had a car and when I said yes I wasn't lying but I let you think that meant I could drive and I can't yet legally. I'm really embarrassed by it so I didn't correct you. But now I'm ashamed of that?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/10/2015 14:27

You have a sight condition which makes it very difficult to learn to drive and you are ashamed that you can't? Er why on earth would you be ashamed by this?

Does he know that you have this condition? ie is this worry more about telling him that it is so serious that you are unlikely to be a driver in the future?

Sparkle's suggestion is a good one, and yes, if he is worth having it won't bother him in the slightest.

Original poster

markmeoutoften · 12/10/2015 14:30

Thanks, this is all good advice! I'll have to work out how to broach it and when. As someone said upthread, I think I have to say it sooner rather than later to avoid it dragging on!

OP posts:

nauticant · 12/10/2015 14:34

BF, I'm sorry but I think I may have slightly mislead you.

If I'd been lied to my preference would be (from most to least preferred):
a) I told you something untrue and I want to tell you the truth;
b) you might have become "confused" on the basis of something I said; and
c) oops, you've caught me out in a lie.

For a small lie a) is not bad. c) is bad. b) might actually annoy me the most. If someone confesses to a lie I would be really pissed-off for the confession itself to be a half-truth.

Secondtimeround75 · 12/10/2015 14:36

You could come clean about your sight. Then say due to a change in your condition you have to resit the test. Then at a later date say it's likely you wont be able to pass it.

I have also tied myself up in white lies to save me being embarrassed.
It's not a decit more a brain fart

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 12/10/2015 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Artioo2 · 12/10/2015 15:02

Don't email him. Things always sound much more stark or harsh in writing. Just tell him. Tell him you feel completely silly, you had first date nerves and you know it was wrong.

And don't compound the lie with another lie, as someone suggested. If you were ever found out (which would be highly likely in a long term relationship) it would be far, far worse to have lied twice.

Tyrannosaurus · 12/10/2015 15:09

I think as others have said you need to come clean asap. I hope he understands why you mislead him, and is reasonable about it. I would keep going with the driving though. I also have a condition which means I have no depth perception, but I've been driving since I was 17, and it hasn't caused me any major issues. Your brain just needs to work out another way to judge distance.

Cabrinha · 12/10/2015 15:29

Oh you poor thing!
Getting into a state about it

It's really a simple thing.
Just tell or text him "hey, I've got to fess up to something! You asked if I have a car... I do. Don't have a full licence though which is probably what you meant. I was a bit embarrassed that I was still doing lessons - silly, I know - and figured I'd pass soon. But I'm not sure I'm going to continue with the lessons so I thought I'd better tell you. Wanna buy a car? "

Just keep it light.

I don't think it's any big deal that you didn't tell me.
If he reacts badly - great, you've sussed out a tosser and got rid early on.
Btw: I dated a guy who'd never learned to drive. Never bothered me at all.

Good luck! Don't let yourself work it up any bigger!

AyeAmarok · 12/10/2015 15:55

OP, honestly you're building this up in your head to be a bigger deal than it is understandable that you feel how you do though.

I would go with a combination of Cabrinha's and Art's. Basically Cab's but include the bit about how it was early in the relationship, you answered about having the car and we're about to launch into how you were doing lessons but might have to stop as you were undergoing tests for your sight, and it was really stressing you out at the time so you thought best to not get into it all with him so early. But then when you wanted to clarify later, the moment had passed and you'd worked yourself up into a tizz about it. And now you feel like you've lied.

It's your private medical situation remember, you weren't duty bound to get into it, and unexpectedly the very innocent car question from him threw you off balance because of the stress you were dealing with at the time.

I wouldn't have a problem with that if i was him, so I think you'll be okay and he'll completely understand.

Original poster

markmeoutoften · 12/10/2015 16:02

Thank you all so much for contributing. I feel like an idiot for wasting your time too now! I feel much better reading your responses. He's such a lovely person, I really feel silly and I know I'm blowing it out of proportion as I'm inclined to do lately about a lot of things. I will just tell him this weekend and hope that he doesn't think I'm a totally untrustworthy idiot.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 12/10/2015 16:14

Don't worry about wasting our time! We wouldn't be on here if we had other important things to do...

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 12/10/2015 16:20

Oh - I was 30 when I passed my test. LOTS of people don't do it when they are teenagers, especially if they don't have easy access to a car, even more so if they live somewhere like London where it is totally unnecessary.

Gruach · 12/10/2015 16:43

Absolutely not a waste of time! We all tie ourselves in knots occasionally and I daresay there are a hundred things in other people's lives that you could straighten out with immense ease.

(FWIW the first time I had the option of driving lessons I chose instead to spend the money on lessons for a huge, unwieldy instrument - that I never managed to get more than three notes out of. You at least have a sensible reason.)

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