gas lighting being harmless ?

[Pigzoom]

Hi
I was reading about gas lighting in the early hours last night. I basically thought my DP gaslights me, and I was right. Examples- he always says "you are just too sensitive" but then I'm left saying but Even if I am I'm still feeling upset so there's still an issue to deal with.
Or he says "you need help, you don't get on with anyone"
Can't think of other examples now but after arguments (too many at moment) I'm always left distraught and confused and left to just get on with life even though I'm hurt and upset.
I told him this morning about gas lighting and how he does this to me. He had tears in his eyes and was very apologetic.
So I ask if any of you have knowledge and experience - can you gaslight without realising and can you still be a good person just an arsehole when it comes to confrontations etc. Or could it be a learnt trait from his father.?
Basically should I LTB (?) or Can it be worked on. We plan to go to relate once I'm back at work next year

Yes you are right with regards me saying out loud that she won't walk.
I think that we need to work together more, we are stuck in a defensive relationship. Totally defending our positions/opinions/ideas etc ALL the time.

Good luck with it all, life's hard work when DCs are small.

Thank you cheapskatemum for taking time out to advise.
It's bloody hard work isn't it.

I agree with the others on the situation with your daughter that night. I also think he has every right to try and get her upstairs 'his' way, if he felt it was appropriate, and to argue with him over it, especially with her present, was just wrong and made it worse.

Please do get some help if you believe you are depressed though. You'll think more clearly then too.

It does get better, easier, I promise. My DCs are older now and I even get a bit of time to myself occasionally! I was where you are when they were little though. No MN in those days, but thankfully my Health Visitor realised and I got help - starting with GP referral for counselling

He may have been "right" about getting your daughter up the stairs on that occasion, but he certainly wasn't helping you when he could see you were tired and stressed, was he? That, for me, is more important than being right...

You've had some good advice on here. One thing I would say is that I think your counsellor was a bit off letting you know your family thought you were the difficult one. That would surely colour how you felt about yourself and not in a good way.

Be prepared not to get counselling through your GP though, I suppose it depends where you live but round here the wait can be weeks and weeks for an initial consultation with no guarantee of being accepted. I ended up paying privately.

Your last counsellor was unethical.

1. She shouldn't have counselled you if she'd counselled your mum/knows your mum as your issues probably began in childhood and you need to talk to a totally neutral party. All counsellors know this is a no-no.

1. Your counsellor should then not have used information from what your mum said to put you down in counselling. That was an awful thing to do and crossed all sorts of boundaries, undermining your trust and instead of supporting a development of your self esteem she would have known it would shatter it. It was cruel if I'm honest.

So your counsellor probably did much more damage than good - instead of building your self esteem and confidence in your own feelings she undermined them. I presume you've had a lifetime of this from family and relationships. It sounds like you're ready to stop feeling this way as you are starting to realise it is not you, but those around you that make you feel 'over sensitive'.

I would look for another counsellor via your GP, someone unknown to your family. Clarify it with the counsellor when you begin. Ask her what she thought of your previous experience and get that sorted so you can trust them.

They'll build your self esteem by looking at your past experience from childhood onward and allow you to reframe it in your mind so that you realise you were upset with people's actions in a normal way but that they made you think you were being 'over sensitive' when you weren't.

Then you can have the confidence to tell your dh to stop telling you it's your fault and man up. If he changes, great. If he decides to continue then decide if you can put up with it or not then. You will find that once your counselling starts to take affect, he will change naturally as he'll realise that you can't be put down so easily. Don't tell him what you discuss in counselling just incase he tries to use it against you.

Good luck and remember that you are not a rubbish mum. Like the rest of us, you are juggling all your commitments and to ask him for a little help at bedtime is totally normal. In fact, he should have seen you were struggling and come and helped before you asked. There's nothing wrong with carrying a tired child to bed. Both parents should be involved at bed time.

Time to change counsellors OP; the one that you've been seeing is indeed unethical. It was never a good idea anyway to see someone that your mother had been seeing.

NHS counselling can be limited in scope as well as taking a long time to arrange.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth.