Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How has this happened

25 replies

Heartbroken1985 · 11/10/2015 21:31

I really don't know where to start.....
My husband of almost 10 years has left home for his ow. She is 10 years younger and now pregnant with his child.
We have to amazing boys together who are 9 and 6 and they are really struggling to adjust to everything. He has regular contact and pays his maintenance on time without fail.
My problem is how he is with me. So he left me in march, in June he wanted to make our marriage work. I later found out that this was utter bs as he was still seeing her at the same time. This is when he got her pregnant. She is bi-polar and apparently it was an accident. Since then he has continued to come treat me as the other woman and regularly comes over to have his way with me. When he told me she was pregnant. I told him it had to stop as there is now another child being bought into this messy situation. I told her what was happening and she chose to forgive him again. She has now banned him from talking to me and so the other woman scenario continues, he messages me during the day and talks to me when he's alone but then blocks me the minute he gets back to her. They had their 20 week scan this weekend but he came over before to collect our boys for football and it happened again. Afterwards he joked that there was no point in telling her as she would forgive him again. I know I deserve better than this but I keep letting it happen in hope that he will come back to me. In all honesty though I can't see us ever being able to make this work.
I have started divorce proceedings and have managed to get the mortgage agreed in my name- but I just can't move on and I'm blinded by what we shared before this happened.
How do I move on?

OP posts:
SionnachDana · 11/10/2015 21:35

Never sleep with him again. Sorry to tell you what to do but he doesn't deserve to have you in his life like that now. How dare he compound your hurt like that!? Does he think he's throwing you a bone like your a sad dog who was left in the house all day long while he went to work?! he's rubbing salt in a wound he made and preventing it from healing.

The OW may be ten years younger than you are but if you were born in 1985 then you are a young woman and don't let her make you feel old. I'm glad to hear the mortgage is in your name now.

Would you have a bit of psychotherapy? did me the world of good I don't mind telling you.

SionnachDana · 11/10/2015 21:39

ps, also, guard your own personal space. Don't let him in to your home from now on. It was his home, but it's not now, it's yours, in a practical sense and in a legal sense. It's ok to maintain that boundary. It might seem confrontational to begin with but I don't think he should be able to swan in and out of two homes.

Once the arrangements are formalised, he will have to take the boys for a while every week and don't fight it. Accept that. HARD though it will be at the beginning. Eventually you will be looking forward to that free night. You ought to get some freedom to have fun too. And I don't mean men or shagging. I just mean, that you should have a night off too on a regular basis, and some child free time.

Him piling over to your house and sitting in the chair he used to sit in is no man's land.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 21:40

Go no contact with him

Do the kids handovers via a 3rd party

All arrangements to be done by email with no talk of your "relationship" allowed at all

Fot God's sake woman, where is your self respect ? You could stop all this if you really wanted to.

He is using you. He is shagging two women and probably mixing your vaginal secretions as he goes

Get yourself sti tested and stop sleeping with this bloke. He must think he has a diamond studded cock.

Original poster
Heartbroken1985 · 11/10/2015 21:41

I have been seeing a counsellor since it all came out but sometimes I feel like I'm talking about the same thing over and over again. I feel better after going but then he does the 'I love you and miss you, I've made a huge mistake' thing and expects me to console him. I know that I shouldn't sleep with him but whenever he comes over all of my resolve vanishes.
Do I tell her it's happened again? Not out of spite but out of pity.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 21:43

Stay away from both of them. Quit the drama. Syringing it out like this is toxic. Your kids are being shortchanged here. They need a mummy who is not angsting over some prick who gets a kick out of keeping two vulnerable women dancing to his tune.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 21:44

*stringing

SionnachDana · 11/10/2015 21:45

NO!!!!!!!!!! Don't tell her. Let her have him. He's no prize. He is a cheating, manipulative man who is prolonging your pain. You're the mother of his children. The very least amount of respect he owes you is to let you move on. But no, he's telling you he loves you Hmm while he tooz and froes between two women.

YOU be the one who says no fucking way mate.

summerwinterton · 11/10/2015 21:48

don't let him come over to your house any more - it is quite easy to not sleep with a cheat.

Original poster
Heartbroken1985 · 11/10/2015 21:53

Believe me when I say I have tried, I've done no contact but something happens and he worms his way back in.
After Saturday morning I finally saw him for what he really is as I felt disgusted with myself for having sex with him again.
I'm just so scared about moving on- not being on my own as I have started to enjoy it. But trusting someone else in the future knowing what someone who says they love me is capable of doing.

OP posts:
SionnachDana · 11/10/2015 21:58

Don't worry about that now. for now, worry about getting your space back.

You say he worms he way back in as though you have no power over the situation. YOU DO>

summerwinterton · 11/10/2015 22:03

Stop speaking to him and stop letting him over the threshold. 3rd party handovers if needed. And get yourself sti tested. And now is not the time to think about future relationships. Being single is fine, you don't need to be with someone now.

Original poster
Heartbroken1985 · 11/10/2015 22:05

I have felt powerless throughout this whole situation. I finally feel like I can do it though and feel better for it but know I need to keep strong.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 11/10/2015 22:05

Your OP is very passive.
"Has his way with me"
"It happened again"
"letting it happen"

Sex isn't something that happens to you. You're a participant. Don't say "It's happening again", because what actually happened was that you chose to shag him again, knowing full well he would fuck off back to his pregnant girlfriend afterwards.

Have you discussed this with your counsellor? My feeling, like other PPs, is that you need to go no contact as far as possible, and have a friend with you when he comes over to pick the kids up (what are they doing while you're banging him, watching TV?) to keep your resolve in place.

Original poster
Heartbroken1985 · 11/10/2015 22:06

I have been tested (it was the first thing I did when I found out) and have been safe ever since.
I'm not actively looking for a new relationship but I am an over thinker.

OP posts:
mrstweefromtweesville · 11/10/2015 22:13

You are moving on! You've got your mortgage organised and you're starting divorce proceedings.
You aren't 'supposed' to be fully over him at this stage. You don't need to take up with someone else until you're ready.
Don't be disgusted with yourself for having sex with him - it often, really often, happens at the end of relationships. If you can avoid it, you'll feel stronger. You don't need to tell his new woman anything at all - you owe her nothing, and antagonising her won't help if she will sometimes have care of your children.
Do get tested, asap, for your own peace of mind.

JuJuWoman · 11/10/2015 22:16

Wow. You need some tough love. he is mugging you off big time.

Agree wit the pp who said go no contact and arrange financial and childcare related arrangements via email or a trusted third party.

I feel sorry for you and the OW. He sounds like a nasty piece of shit. but you dont sympathy, you need a massive dose of self respect and resolve not to let this man keep using you like this.

Original poster
Heartbroken1985 · 11/10/2015 22:25

You are all right, but this isn't easy. We were school sweethearts and I have never been an adult on my own as I married him when I was 19 and was a mum by the time I was 20. I felt like I didn't know who I was without him and every other weekend without my children. I am slowly putting my life back together with the support of good friends and family.

OP posts:
Mandi7891 · 11/10/2015 22:55

Some tough love here, but think u should listen. He is having his cake and eating it,
You have been through a lot together, births, marriages, deaths, kids finishing school starting careers, buying houses, so out of habit your letting him have his burger and his steak. STOP NOW!
Take everyday as 1 day, don't talk to him don't see him, and don't even think about ow.
U have family and friends around you that can help with anything and everything u don't need him, and u shouldn't want him!
Stand up to him and tell him you are worth so much more than this!
Listen to the rest of the pp. and I'm sure u have a wonderful sister that will quite happily tell him to leave u alone and stop messing with your head!
Xxxx

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 23:00

You have free will. Use it. Saying you "can't help it" and "something just happens" is bullshit.

Think of it as an addiction. If you were trying to quit heroin, you wouldn't waft it under your own nose, would you ? Deliberately put it on the table repeatedly and make yourself resist direct temptation ?

Same here.

He doesn't come over your threshold and you stop putting yourself in the situations where he gets the chance to overcome your sommon sense.

Only you can change this. Get busy.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 12/10/2015 06:55

He's only treating you like this because you're letting him. You talk as though you are passive in this situation and helpless that he is doing this to you.

You are not.

You are choosing it. Every thing that you and he do together is 50% your responsibility.

DrMorbius · 12/10/2015 08:20

I have been tested (it was the first thing I did when I found out) and have been safe ever since

So let me understand... previously you didn't use condoms (as you were married), but since he started shagging someone else, you now insist on being safe (use a condom)??

Hardly a spontaneous act on either side then.

Does he happen to carry condoms around in his back pocket? strandge as he obviously didn't use them with the OW Perhaps there is another OW (AOW) to come out of the woodwork.........

See him for what he is, move on.

IamlovedbyG · 12/10/2015 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

UncertainSmile · 12/10/2015 16:24

Your as bad as she is

What a cuntish thing to say

FantasticButtocks · 12/10/2015 16:26

I keep letting it happen in hope he will come back to me See, now there is a flaw in this thinking. Because if he can have sex with you without 'coming back' to you...why would he need to come back? He's already getting what he wants... And he's laughing at his ow because she keeps letting him behave how he wants and forgiving him etc. So he has no reason to change things because he already has EXACTLY what he wants.

I'd actually find it disgusting to have sex with him when he is also shaghing someone else!!!

Isetan · 12/10/2015 19:23

You are making yourself available to this man in the hope that he changes his mind and goes back to you. Eroded self esteem is an enormous price to pay, for being his convenient shoulder and fuck toy.

Are seriously expecting us to believe that telling his pregnant girlfriend that you've been sleeping together is for her benefit, come on. You can not get over this man as long as you continue to lie to yourself.

Disengage from this man and start valuing yourself more than he ever could, by making better choices.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread