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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I deal with this- trust issues?

23 replies

PinkSquash · 11/10/2015 20:36

I'll try to be as clear as possible without outing myself too much.

I have the chance to apply for the job I have wanted to do since I was a young child, think firefighter and that sort of job. My husband hasn't wanted me to do it but couldn't say why. Today he randomly blurted out that he's worried if I joined up that I would go and have sex with men in the same role because I've said that I liked a man in that uniform. We've been together for 10 years and I have been nothing but faithful to him, I would never jeopardise my marriage and I feel really upset that he thinks I have no morals and just want cheap sex.

I text him this evening as he is at work and said that DS2 had slipped in the shower but was okay, unharmed and completely safe. He replied that he is worried about me and the DC. How do I take that?

He's also very wary of me wanting to go out for drinks with work colleagues- we were going to go as a group of 10-12 but DH wasn't happy with me going, nor was he happy with me wanting to go out for drinks with a female friend/colleague.

Can anyone shed any light on what is happening here and why?

Sorry as it's long.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 11/10/2015 20:38

He sounds like a controlling arse. Doesn't want you to take a job in case you have sex with a colleague, undermines you as a parent saying he is worried and he doesn't want you going out with a friend for a drink.

In what other ways does he control you? Sounds a lot like emotional abuse to me quite frankly.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 20:41

He is jealous of you and sexually insecure

I really, really hope you do not modify your behaviour and miss out on socialising because of his issues

As for him not wanting you to pursue your dream career in case you accidentally fall on some cocks?

He has little respect for you if he is willing to say that aloud

Ditch this loser and go for your dream

Toosassy · 11/10/2015 20:46

Do you currently work?
Do you socialise without him?

Am trying to ascertain if he is trying to keep you isolated/ at home/ dependant on him....all of which are bad bad bad.....

Joysmum · 11/10/2015 20:55

I'll address this from the other side of the coin.

I felt insecure, my husband knew and wanted to help me through. It didn't come from being 'controlling' but from me having enough trust to express my innermost fears to him. It also didn't come from thinking badly of him, but thinking so badly of myself that he deserved something better and my inner voice telling me I wasn't worthy.

The fact that your husband has also expressed he's concerned for you and the kids tells me this isn't about you, it's his reaction to a world he mistrusts and fears.

You can of course go with the usual LTB and blame responses you'll no doubt receive but I don't think it is that simple. You of course are best placed to decide if he's the usual bastard people post about on MN but I don't think it's that simple.

Original poster

PinkSquash · 11/10/2015 20:59

Thanks for the responses, it's nice to know that I am not going completely mad here.

I started seasonal work 6 months ago and now am just doing bits when necessary, I'm applying for other jobs in the company in the meantime. I was a housewife for 8 years before that.

I have socialised half a dozen times without my husband throughout our relationship. One memorable occasion was going out with some women from a parenting group, we all had 6 month olds and the ILs babysitted while DH was at work and I was out.

I stayed out til he finished work at 10pm and he took me home. I still had him griping over that until last year. Saying how he never goes out, but I've never stopped him, he doesn't like me saying that of he goes out one night, I can go out another time.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkSquash · 11/10/2015 21:00

Joysmum- thank you. What can I do? Why do I have to bear the brunt of his perceived insecurities? It's killing me.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 11/10/2015 21:02

You don't have to bear the brunt of anything, why should you want to?

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 21:04

You don't have to bear the brunt of anything

It's not your job to fix him

For some sexually insecure people, no matter how many changes you aka and how much you restrict your own life it is never enough

If he is still punishing you for an evening out that happened so long ago, Joys advice does not apply

HolgerDanske · 11/10/2015 21:09

Wow. That's just so wrong on so many levels, and I don't actually think it matters whether it comes from insecurity or from wanting to control you. They're two sides of the same coin.

He needs to sort himself out. That's not your job to do, it's his.

Absolutely do not let him dictate what job you do or how you choose to socialise because he has such deep-rooted insecurities.

How to fix it? Well he will need to be the driving force in that. Which means he will need to see and understand and admit that it's him that has the problem here. He will need to work on it, and work hard at it because it's not easy. He will need to keep himself in check and stop making absolutely ridiculous statements like that. He will need to work on whatever flaws he sees in himself or whatever the gaping void is that feeds that insecurity.

HolgerDanske · 11/10/2015 21:11

Yes that thing about him still bringing up a perfectly innocent night out as if it's some sort of huge injustice is a big problem for me. As is the fact that it's somehow your fault that he doesn't go out.

HolgerDanske · 11/10/2015 21:13

Honestly, I don't think there's much hope. There usually isn't. But that's your decision to make of course.

Joysmum · 11/10/2015 21:19

For me if was such a relief to actually be able to articulate my feelings and seeing my DH react with such incredulity and horror and what I was carrying was the start.

Having him listen and reassure without judgement was amazing and then he told why he loved me, what it was he saw in me be I certainly vouldnt begin to fathom why, when in my eyes he could do so much better, it really was a case of him not wanting too as nobody matched up to me.

I still find that hard to understand but I do trust him even if I don't understand it.

Anyway, this isn't about me! What was your reaction, do you think he's controlling and manipulative to keep you under his thumb or do you think it's something else?

I don't want to lead you up the wrong path, some are insecure like your DH and I because they are projecting and they've been unfaithful in the past, others are just plain nasty people. My triggers was being in the wrong side of a past relationship that led me not to trust.

That's the call you need to make without being led by me or anyone else on here because how you go forwards will depend on what has triggered this.

Original poster

PinkSquash · 11/10/2015 21:24

He said he didn't mean it when he said about me going off and having sex with potential colleagues- it's just his fears.

For fucks sake, this is bollocks isn't it?

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HolgerDanske · 11/10/2015 21:25

Yes. It really is.

LoveAGoodRummage · 11/10/2015 21:25

If you're talking about becoming a police officer, it will change you. You may find you become a more confident person which from the sound of your post, your husband won't appreciate. If you'll be working shifts, the insular nature of this means you build a tight relationship with your colleagues. Again, it doesn't sound as if your husband will like that.

If this is something you have wanted since childhood, your husband ought to proud and happy for you. He isn't, is he? What does that tell you?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/10/2015 21:29

What's going on? He wants to control you. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't respect you as a person with autonomy.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 21:31

Well, it's not bollocks to him is it ?

He clearly thinks you capable of chasing after gang bangs with a posse of officers

That says a lot more of what lives in his head than he realises

Joysmum · 11/10/2015 21:52

If you think it's bollocks then it probably is. You're best placed to know where this is coming from to know if there's hope, and if there is whether it's worth working through it or not.

I'm all for getting him to talk more to either confirm or rule out your thoughts.

Original poster

PinkSquash · 11/10/2015 22:18

I don't know if it is or not. He thinks that I would do that, it does hurt me to think he thinks that lowly of me. Whether through insecurity or not it's making me question my choices, he shouldn't be doing that over something in his head.

Can I keep on living with this though?

Love- exactly what I'm going for, my current role is shift working and within an insular group- funnily enough my husband thinks my very young male colleague likes me. It's ridiculous, we have a laugh at work but thats it, the same as any other colleague.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkSquash · 11/10/2015 22:20

But either way he won't talk, he just shuts down and that's it. Goes on the apology 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' etc...

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LoveAGoodRummage · 11/10/2015 22:45

My short answer would be no, you can't live like this. You've been together for ten years so one offer of "We need to talk about this or the options we have to resolve it dramatically decrease" and then decide from there.

Duckdeamon · 11/10/2015 22:49

Controlling and horrible.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 23:03

I think he is a lost cause.

You will still be here 10 years from now. Except you would have compromised more and more and more until you don't know what is normal any more.

Given up your career to make him happy then he dumps you for a younger woman anyway. Because put it this way, the men who are convinced their women are looking to shag around are doing it themselves

It's called projection and he has guilty written all over him.

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