I don't know what to do. I feel trapped and numb

[Indiejonas]

Have been a long time lurker but have never posted before. Been with DH for 12 years, married for 9, 2 DCs aged 3 and 6. I was a pretty ambitious thing before DCs. Got married, moved to another country because of his career (I fully supported the move as it was a great career opportunity for him), I was frustrated and lonely being in a strange country whilst my career took a beating. Got pregnant with DC1 and we decided that as he was much more successful in what he was doing that I will take time off to be SAHM.
Everything fell to me and I coped. Second DC came along and I was working part time. I still did everything regarding children, housekeeping, etc. he changed careers after DC1 and I fully supported it. Money was tight but manageable. When DC2 was 12 months I got an amazing opportunity to go back to work full time with great pay which meant that all our money worries would go away.
I work really hard and this job has made me feel "me" again and it's wonderful. It took DH a while to cotton on the fact that he now has to go to doctor's appointments (he is self employed whilst I am not) and when I am travelling for work (happens a lot) I can't be the one that goes grocery shopping or does kids food menus or knows when the pe day is when the school changes it at the last minute. The reason why this has changed is because I told him I slept with someone else (old flame, felt undervalued, someone paid me attention and made me feel attractive rather than belittle me, etc). It happened 6 months ago and haven't had any contact with that person since.
We are trying to be more kind to each other, but I am so miserable in this relationship. If my kids were older, I would not hesitate to divorce him, but I can't because of the children. So, what do I do? I am such a coward but I also know the realities of life. Being 38 yrs old with two small kids does not bode well for future romance. After years of being belittled and emotionally bullied, I can stand on my own two feet. I just don't know if I can break it off without inflicting the long term pain to my children. Any advice would be much as appreciated.

If my kids were older, I would not hesitate to divorce him, but I can't because of the children. So, what do I do?

Re-read that sentence and recognise that your inner core is telling you what you need to do, and your fear is holding you back.

Which do you want to be ruled by?

Let's stack it up.

Your reasons to leave:

• You are unhappy
• He is abusive
• You know you would divorce him in a shot if you didn't feel constrained

Your reasons to stay:

• You might not find anyone else, and it's more important to be coupled up than to be happy (...is that really true?)
• Divorce can only take place if and when children are "older" (...is that really true?)

I am in my 50s with 2 DD of 19vand 13 my issue is thatbin the last year I hsve begun to feel trapped partly becuase we run a business together so see alot of each other but also because now coming up for air and keep wondering if I married DH for wrong reasons that is hevwas kind when I met him but I was never 'in love' with him. At the bsck of my mind I havevslways had this feeling but have ignored it due to children and we generslly have a nice life and r good friends.
However there is another issue that has doggarded our marrisge and that is sex he has coerced me into sex over the years when I have said no clesrly in the past we have had situations where he has followed me round the house for hours almost forcing me to give in. We did address dome of this in counselling last year but then on 2 occassions in the last 12cmonths he has forced me to have sex despite me saying no. The first time was on holuday and I was v upset and the 2nd recently and as a result we r now in seperste bedrooms. Generally we get on but I don't want anything physicsl at prsent and askec for space. I am not sure I csn ever rebuild things and following hom moving out of bedroom I felt such relief but now I feel guilty as his room is small and bed uncomfortable I don't know what to do
If I end it I sm worried about finances, my kids and thst I will be lomely but that is also no reason to stay in marrisge either. Advise welcome

Please copy and paste your response into 'Start new thread in this topic' (top left under 'Relationships') and give it a title of your choice.

Although he deserves to sleep on a bed of nails, in order to alleviate your guilt buy your h a memory foam mattress topper for his current one and use one of his cards to pay for it

duh! Response above is for restlessat50.

Restless you need to start your own thread. You are being sexually abused. C&p the above post as your op.

Staying together for the children is not a good reason to stay together. You are doing the worst for your children bcs your children will go on to model your miserable marriage in their adult relationships - that's how it goes, sadly.

However. I am confused you suddenly announce your h is abusive at the end of your op. Also that he needs to pick up the responsibilities for the children bcs you've slept with someone else. ??? That doesn't make a lot of sense. From the point you report you had sex with someone else your account falls apart, doesn't hang together.