How do I help my mum?

[NervousNameChange2]

I'm absolutely petrified of someone recognising me from this post and just generally nervous about posting this.

A huge amount of back story which I will try to summarise.
My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother left him and took me away before my first birthday I'm an only child and so is she so we are the only family that we have.
We lived alone for a few years until she met another man, they ended up getting married and the 3 of us lived together.
He was physically and emotionally abusive to me before they married and it continued and intensified when he was my step father.
My mum didn't know until about a year in to the marriage and he started emotionally abusing her and eventually physically abusing her as well.
I was his whipping boy so it was constant for me, she didn't get physically abused regularly but he was manipulative and hit her around once a year. (This isn't a competition on who to feel more sorry for its just what happened)
He had made my mum incapable of leaving or stopping him hurting me, she was aware but I don't blame her at all it was completely his fault.
Things came to a head when I fought back with a weapon, police got involved and people became aware to the extent of the abuse. He ended up in jail and we moved again, for the next couple of years her guilt made our lives even harder, as far as I was concerned the bad times had ended and I could actually learn at school and enjoyed sports etc.
Eventually she let the guilt stop effecting her and focussed 100% on work so she could give me some of the things she enjoyed in her childhood (mainly nice holidays)
For me this all meant that I just sort of looked after myself Which was fine and worked well until I was 16.
At 16 I left home for an opportunity that has given me so many things including a very comfortable life.

It came up recently that my mum feels like she was never really been a mum, because of the years lost to the step father and then me mainly looking after myself she didn't have the opportunity to look after me after I turned 8. She thought she would get a chance again but because I left home at 16 she just didn't and she sort of blames me. She isn't angry at me but it was my decision to leave so the responsibility is mine.

It came to a head when we had an argument recently, it was nothing major but she let slip that she wished I hadn't left her and it was my fault she didn't get another chance to be a mum. I gave her a list of my responsibilities between 12-16 which was silly and pointless and now she's feeling guilty again.
Her guilt makes everything so much harder, I don't know how to tell her that it's ok.
I think she's lonely and feels like she wasn't a mother, I don't want the past to keep bringing her down.
What can I do?
Sorry this is so long and I'm sorry if I ask HQ to delete but I really don't want anyone IRL to be aware of this.

Forgive me for being wary, MN is a strange place where people take plots from television programmes and write them up as their own lives. I don't watch television much so I never know...

If you are genuine ( I have no reason to believe you are not, except that this is MN), then read and believe - it isn't your responsibility to make things right for your mum. Ask her to get counselling, see her when you want to. You can't do anything more. You can't 'fix' your parents.

Likewise when she sees you doing something out of character, that should worry her, she should remember that you are free to make a mess of your own life and its not her fault, not her place to try to intervene.

I understand about being wary, thanks for answering genuinely.
It might not be my responsibility but she's my mum and I want to help, I strangely hadn't thought about counselling for her only for me.
That could be a good suggestion, thanks.

I don't think you can help your Mum with this. You are very (perhaps too?) understanding and accepting of the challenges and choices your Mum faced. She is experiencing a loss now and she is responsible for not being able to be there for you in the way that you needed, albeit in very difficult circumstances. The best thing you can do is start to look at yourself and your needs. I am guessing that you have been looking out for your Mum for a very long time.

It's not your job to fix her. It also wasn't your job to stay at home for as long as she wanted so she could use you to assuage her feelings of guilt.

My mum also pulled this martyred shit. She spent years letting my dad sexually assault me (daily) because it would have been "too hard" to leave. Then she'd sob to me about how she was a terrible mother but also blame me that after I told a teacher what was happening, she lost her nice house and car and had to start working. I no longer speak to her.

What can you do?

You can stop feeling responsible for her, and focus on being kind to yourself - the only person you are responsible for.

I don't think you are doing yourself a kindness by letting a woman blame you for her own failings, and feeling like it's now your job to fix her feelings. I think she is being manipulative and unfair to you. Whatever bitterness and regret she harbours, she is the only person who can let those feelings go. No-one can do it for her: not you, not anybody. They are her feelings, and hers to process and deal with (or not). They are not your burden to carry.

Have you had therapy to help you deal with your traumatic childhood, OP?

Have you heard of co-dependence? It affects a lot of people who were abused in childhood, where they were raised to think that they were responsible (or to blame) for other people - children learning how to manage the outbursts, and tiptoe around the feelings, of the adults in their lives ... It takes some re-training to realise that other grown-ups are 100% responsible for their own selves, and that we cannot manage them or rescue them, nor should we.

Well done on defending yourself at such a young age and helping to jail that man, by the way. It can't have been easy.

Sorry you went through that pocket.
She isn't being manipulative she is sad about it and I want to help she also isn't blaming me for what happened with my step father and to be honest she doesn't really blame me for leaving she's just dissapointed that I did leave.
I had counselling at the time that I think was mandatory, it definitely felt like it was something I had to do but haven't since. I don't have issues with my childhood and it isn't something that I really care about anymore which I think I'm very lucky about.
I feel like I'm making my mum sound needy and she definitely isn't, my life is better with her in it and she's been amazing since it all happened.
Also (sorry) I don't think I was too understanding, he manipulated me in to thinking it was ok before they married and I knew far more than she did. He hid it well.

Everyone leaves home. Sometimes at 16 sometimes older. No parent should come back and blame their child's decision for their sadness.

It's in the past, what can you do about it. I might regret a decision my DCs made, maybe a career choice etc but I can't tell them that that now makes me sad and expect them to make up for it!! Crazy idea. I would deserve a kick up the bum and being told to move on!

Scoobydoo8, she doesn't expect me to make up for it she just let it out at a vulnerable moment.
Her family is me, I have her and DP. We are very much a part of each others lives and my life is better for her being part of it.

I feel like she's getting a hard time, she left my father and made a new life for her and me even stuck with his debts. Alone and with no financial support other than very little from the government at the time she found a way.
I hate drip feeding but I couldn't give every detail in my OP.

I think suggesting counselling is a good idea, it is my problem I am all the family she has.

It's hard to see the bigger picture - was it 2 years ago or 20 years ago that she left your step-father?

Counselling would be a good idea I'm sure.

it was my decision to leave so the responsibility is mine.

The responsibility for what? You're not responsible for her happiness. You aren't to blame for the fact that, one way or another, for one reason or another, she failed you as a parent for most of your childhood.

It's simply not healthy for you to be assuming responsibility for her feelings in this way. As if you are the adult and she is the child. I would agree, she needs counselling - life dealt her a series of bad hands.

Can you spend some time talking about the good things she did? You say she took you on nice holidays. Are there photos of the two of you together you could look through? It sounds as if she has got stuck on all the bad stuff. Maybe you can work on remembering the better things that came later.

Scooby, over a decade a go.

Tri, she took me on many amazing hollidays with many incredible moments caught on film. We talk about them regularly and have for a Long time.
I'm not sure what I'm asking anymore.

it is my problem I am all the family she has.

Whether she has no family, one family member, or a hundred, her problems would still be hers to handle, Nervous.

It's great that you are so caring. But the best way to support others is to give them the freedom to make their own choices, and to root for them from the sidelines. If you rescue people, you are denying them the opportunity to stand on their own two feet - infantilizing them, really.

I understood your nervousness and confusion, though.

Bear in mind that if you suggest any course of action to your mother, such as therapy, it's still her choice whether to go or not: the decision and the action has to come from her, and you may be disappointed if you are invested in her choosing one particular course of action. It's better for both of you to step back and let her choose what she will choose.