Jealous of people who are close to their birth families - how do I grow up and get over it?

[Quornmakesmefart]

I only have my mum and one sister and am not close to either of them. My mum can be very passive-aggressive, sulky and quite nasty if she doesn't get her own way. On the surface we get on fine, but I can never actually be myself around her so try to limit how much I see her. If I actually voiced my opinions about the crap she spouts or the way she behaves sometimes we would fall out after about five minutes in each other's company. So that's her..

My sister is older than me and whilst we get on fine, we are definitely not close. We have literally never had a 'serious' or 'meaningful' conversation about anything. We don't keep in touch much (every few weeks?) and I'm pretty sure if we didn't have young DC who all like to see each other, we wouldn't see each other at all. I can't really put my finger on what it is. I am a very open person with my feelings and emotions - I have friends (and DH) who I talk to about everything and anything, and tell them I love them, give them a hug, talk to about the 'big' things, etc. But I have never been able to be like that with my sister and I don't even know why.

I don't know if my sister is just very different to me, ie quite a 'closed off' person, of if she's just that way with me. I can't put my finger on why, but it's just as if there's always been a barrier up between us keeping everything at a superficial level, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I'm a big girl now so I know I should just move on and appreciate my own family but it makes me sad. Particularly when I know people with sisters who are really close and clearly love & support each other. It also makes me envious and a bit bitter, which I really don't want to be

I don't know. Fill up your life with other things, I suppose. Good luck.

Sorry for the long post btw...

You have it better than some - I have no birth family and contact with my sisters was removed when they entered the foster system to "help them settle". It was never restarted. It's been nearly 10 years.

It's not something you can change, your biological family are who they are. I just play the cards I have and keep myself busy in other places. I love a family but it's not something I could buy even with all the money in the world.

Maybe consider if you're tormenting yourself keeping contact if it's of no value, though. NC might be easier once you've got used to it.

My family is like this. I have some very good friends who are known as "auntie" by my dc and they are closer to their aunties than my family. Family doesn't always have to be blood, you can create your own. - as I am where you are right now.

It's not an easy thing. I am one of 4 children and not close to any of them. One I am completely NC with. Sometimes it feels like you are bombarded with the idea that siblings all magically love each other and that can leave me feeling like I have failed somehow for not living up to the popular cultural image.

I have come to accept that just because you happen to have been born into a certain family doesn't mean you have to like them. You can't force it anymore then you can force any other friendship. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it just doesn't. Either way I am not to blame and my life is not lacking because my family does not conform to classic ideals.

Therapy also helped me to deal with some of the difficult bits of my childhood and resolve some of these issues. I would recommend it if you have stuff to deal with before you can move on.

NC is actually easier than the constant dissatifaction and sadness tbh.

I know what you mean. Although I was closer to my mum, we would often argue if I ever challenged her on her views. My siblings are horrible. Neither of them have ever grown up. Brother lives rent free with parents, and my mum gave my sister a house. I live two hours away. Siblings not visited in over ten years, parents maybe once a year. Now my mother is ill, I can no longer speak to her. I went no contact with my brother and sister at Christmas after they were both really unpleasant. I visited a lot over the summer when my mum was in hospital, but they are still aggressive horrible people, both smoke a lot of cannabis and drink heavily, and I wonder if that's why they are so nasty. I have envied my friends families over the years. I have nice in laws.

I hope that didn't come across like "wahhh you have it better than me", that wasn't how I intended it. Just that it helps me to remember that there are people that are worse off than me, that there's nothing I can do to change the situation and that I'm okay. Maybe it'd help you, too.

Anchor'no you're fine, I didn't take it that way

Thanks for all the comments so far. Comforting to know it's not just me

I get that you don't want to talk to your mum about it but you see your sister regularly and you have common interests (your children), so is there something to build on there?

Could you ask your sister if she'd like to spend some time just the two of you?