Husband prefers porn to sex with me

[Lolo37]

Hi, I've posted in here before a while ago.
I'm struggling at the moment and have been a lot in our 12 year relationship as my husband rarely wants sex. Currently about once every 3 to 6 months. For the first 18 months/2 years it was quite a healthy sex life but it soon dwindled.
He watches porn a couple of times a week or maybe more, he says a couple. He refuses to accept this has anything to do with his lack of interest in me and blames tiredness and stress etc. I have confronted him about it less and less over the years but a few weeks ago I mentioned it again and he just got really annoyed with me. Something like 'all men watch porn' blah blah blah.
I just want him to try not watching porn to see if it makes a difference but also don't want the stress of wondering whether he's stopped or lying etc.
This is seriously affecting our relationship. I need more sex and have lost my sexual self and I am worried that I may stray some day,
Please can you advise what you would do. It's so hard as he is so stubborn.
Probably worth mentioning we have kids although this was a problem before we had them.

I think you should say, "I want a sex life and I'm worried about our marriage if we continue to have this amount of sex. I would like us to try relationship counselling".

It's not difficult because he's stubborn it's difficult because he's not taking your feelings seriously.

I've suggested counselling and he says he doesn't need it but I can go if I want!! I know lots of people will now say deliver an ultimatum but he is so lovely in many other aspects of our relationship. We do bicker quite a lot since having kids but we have been making an effort and things are improving there. I guess I have to decide how important this is but I don't know whether I should end a relationship and break up our family because I don't get enough sex. I might get even less if we break up!!

He doesn't sound lovely- he's saying to you he doesn't give a shit about you.

How would he feel about you sleeping with other men?

I couldn't put up with this - not so much the no sex but the fuck you attitude.

he says he doesn't need it but I can go if I want!

No, he's saying that he doesn't care enough about your feelings to go. If you don't feel that this is a deal-breaker for you, than fair enough, but I agree with you that you've not actually made that decision yet.

I don't think this disagreement is all about sex, I think that it's about his respect for you and his consideration for your feelings

I know what you're both saying. I really do. Maybe I should put my foot down.
He argues that most men look at porn and that there's nothing wrong with it but most men don't say no to sex 99% of the time. He even didn't want sex when I was still quite young and fit etc. my body isn't what it used to be but its not horrendous. I just want to feel appreciated again. :-( I really don't know what to do or don't feel ready to do what everyone things I should do.

Thinks

It's not about what most men do- it's about what works as a couple (and anyway I imagine most men like having sex!)

He is treating you horribly op and he doesn't want to change. I don't know what else to say but most women in your shoes would certainly feel as hurt, frustrated and resentful as you do. I would have no respect for him.

www.vice.com/en_uk/read/internet-porn-ruined-my-life Get him to read this.

Actually, this is the relevant one:
www.vice.com/en_uk/read/you-can-fap-or-fuck-but-not-both-842

I could have written this - 10 years ago.

I decided to let it go and that my children needed us to stay together.

My 'D'H was also having what he called 'friendships' with other women - I called them 'affairs'. I will never know if they were sexual or not.

Now, both our children have left home, nothing has changed - except I am planning my exit (there are many other factors, but lack of sex and intimacy have been prevalent throughout our 22 year marriage). I cannot wait to leave and I am hoping to do so in the next 6 months.

I have had counselling on my own (tried twice with H - but he decided it was not for him both times) and I can now freely discuss how H has made me feel over the years. I have no confidence or self-esteem, I can't watch anything romantic or sexual on the TV because it hurts, I avoid couples as they make me sad, I gave up a good friend as she kept saying how her DH kept jumping on her at any opportunity, I think I am unlovable, unattractive and a useless wife, I am basically a housekeeper employed by my H.

I am working on my emotions and am slowly changing how I feel about me. This has (nearly) all been caused by his lack of affection and desire for me. I allowed him to treat me this way......

Please think really hard about how you proceed - you deserve to have a sexual side and your DH is being selfish.

LTB

Thank you everyone and nearly I'm sorry you have had an unhappy marriage. I do think I might regret staying with him and potentially miss having the chance to have an enjoyable relationship with someone else.
It's so hard. I'm in tears as I am in such a quandary. My parents split when we were about the same age my kids are and I know how hard it is.
Maybe I need to tell him how serious it is as I'm not sure he realises. Maybe he needs an ultimatum because then I will know how important I am or am not to him.
It's just that so many other things are great it's weighing up what's more important to me. Argh!

What other things are really great here?. When is he really so lovely in other areas of your relationship?. Honestly that sounds like you are kidding yourself.

Do you really want to teach your children that this example of a relationship could become their "norm" too?. What do you want to teach them about relationships?.

He knows how serious the problems are and he frankly does not give a shiny poo about that or you for that matter. He has no consideration or regard for your feelings.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you react to him.

If you give him an ultimatum you have to be prepared to follow through, or it's meaningless.

You've already made it clear. You've said you want more sex, you've said the porn is an issue, you've said you'd like couple's counselling. He has rejected every single thing with a blatant disregard for your feelings. That's a deal breaker IMO.

Have some self respect and LTB before he destroys your self esteem, confidence and happiness even more than he has already.

It may be difficult for the children but you are not your parents and the situation is different. They need a happy mother more than anything else.

I don't think you should give an ultimatum in this situation. Partly because you can't change his behaviour (and that's the reason for you giving him an ultimatum) and partly because I don't think it will work.

I think you should arrange counselling and once it's booked tell him, "I'm not happy in our marriage. My feelings are serious and I think our marriage is in danger. I'm going to go to counselling. I would like you to come with me, but it's your choice". And then go to counselling and explore your feelings and discuss your options.

He is nice in that he compliments me on my looks etc and gives me hugs etc. encourages me in life to do things that make me happy, makes an incredible effort with my family, supports me through stressful times with work etc, happy to look after kids so I can have time with my friends..
So I don't think I'm kidding myself that there is a nice side to him but I perhaps in denial about this aspect of our relationship and how much it is affecting me. I think I need to keep talking about it to work out what to do.

Living with someone who doesn't find you sexually attractive (and that's the take away point, isn't it) is an absolute confidence crusher.

From what you've said so far, it seems her doesn't want to listen to your feelings or hear you on this subject. Is he like this about anything else? Or is it just sex?

Has he ever said that he will try to have sex more often? We already know he won't try knocking the porn on the head, which is not encouraging.

Do you know what type of porn he's watching? Is it mainstream i.e. straight stuff or is it fetish (e.g. bondage)?

Also meant to say, there's nothing wrong with watching porn in and of itself, but if it starts to affect your sex life, or there's the possibility that it is, then things need to change.

In my last LTR my partner watched porn 2-3 times a week, I did probably 1-2 times a week. But we also had sex at least 3 times a week on average. If he'd been wanking to porn and then saying he was too tired or stressed to shag, I'd have had a big problem with it.

"he compliments me on my looks etc"
Do you believe him though? If my partner told me I was beautiful/sexy/etc but chose porn over sex with me, I wouldn't believe a word of it. I'd conclude that he prefers porn stars and only compliments me to placate me. It wouldn't stop me feeling unattractive as a result of his sexual rejection.

He says things to shut you up op.
His reasons to get you out of the house and catch up with friends may be that he can watch his porn.

Its a good excuse to watch online and get his hand down his pants don't you think.