Positive outcomes of after the affair

[InShockWhatToDo]

So I had my last thread removed - too much detail about OW that could jepordise my H job. To summarise 18 years marriage, both checked out about 5 yrs ago due to his gambling (separate issue and one we deal with professional help), DD aged 11, he only ended it cos I found out, OW emailed me full details.

I am at the stage - day three of finding out about DH's affair of trying to decide wether to cut my loses ( this would be against everything I have done before I.e try to make it work and not my natural position. I am risk averse and like to keep things the same) or to decide to make it work. This for us would mean counselling both as a couple and individual, to see if we can get back the magic and as individuals become happier versions of our selves.

So I was looking for stories, tips, experiences of people who had done the later - staid together after an affair and made it through and have a solid relationship. How did the trust get back? How did you forgive the adulter or gain forgiveness if you strayed. Anything really?

You've seen him through his gambling and you've been thanked for it by him having an affair.

You deserve more than this, but that said - you did say yourself you'd both checked out of your marriage 5 years ago. It seems you were happy to be checked out and now only want to be checked back in because circumstances have changed.

Sorry, afraid I can't help. I stayed with him only to have him leave 8 years later - wish I had chucked him out to begin with. Hope it works better for you.

So sorry this has happened. Similar story here, it's 2 and half weeks since DH finally admitted having a fling, which I had suspected and had asked him, which he denied. Still in the spare room. He said he is giving me space. But not doing anything to try to repair, although I don't know what I expect. Good luck with what you decide, I will be watching this too. I can't see myself being able to get close with him again. All trust is gone.

Need to be sure it really is over. I tried to make it work and go to counselling turns out it wasn't really over and he didn't see why he should stop seeing her.

I think leaving after an affair and starting again can be the most positive outcome, although not the answer you are looking for.
A close friend of mine is getting remarried next year almost 5 years after her exH had an affair. She definitely sees that as a positive outcome.
For you

What is HE saying about it all?

Just leave--nothing is going to change. The trust has gone both with the gambling and the affair.
Life is short and we owe it to ourselves to make the most of it. I know, you know and MNers know that you deserve so much better.

I stayed and spent another five years trying to get past it and regain the marriage I thought I had in the first place. He left anyway when he met a new OW. So, looking back I wish I'd saved myself that five years of trying which was so painful and difficult.

Sorry. I know you're looking for positive stories.

I know two much older couples who have survived affairs and are happy together. BUT you don't say much about what HE is saying or doing. He would have to be working very hard indeed to get me to even consider forgiving and moving forwards.

Is he?

Staying didn't work for me.

It's working for me. Approx 18 months on.

But the early days were incredibly hard. I have never felt pain like it.

However DH did all the right things - never blamed me, sought counselling for himself (and as a couple), worked out why, never stopped me asking questions and answered them as best as he could, didn't minimise, ended things straight away and has never made me feel like second choice.

OW was also married and made it plain that she would leave her marriage if DH wanted to leave his. She has also tried to restart contact several times and we have dealt with it together.

He is here because I want him to be and because he wants to be. I have no doubts he loves me. We are a very good team and he knows this and appreciates me more.

Our marriage was actually pretty good before he had his affair. It is much better and stronger now.

No doubt someone will come along to tell me I'm deluded. If I am, long may it continue...

I don't think you can 'decide to make it work', can you? I mean you on your own can't make that decision - the common theme I've seen in most posters who've managed to move on successfully from an affair is as JonesTheSteam has described it above. Complete commitment by the guilty party to repair the relationship, and to own and manage the reconciliation process.

If your DH isn't offering that, and I would guess after moving from a gambling addiction to adultery in search of an illicit high he probably isn't, your choices are more stark. Put up or shut up. No-one here is going to advise you just to accept what he's done but the question of whether to leave or not comes down to his actions, more than your thoughts.

Thanks all. I am not stupid or naive or self deluded, I know the risks and the general mumsnetters views. He is saying the right things - not the classic things but answering all my questions, suggesting counselling, explaining how / why it happened but not excusing himself. The odd time he has fallen into blaming the state of the marriage I have pulled him up on it and he takes it on board.

He has said in a conversation he that he does not want to stay married if nothing changes as we were both unhappy and would rather split now but wants to give it one mo go at trying to get the magic back etc etc.

So my decision is wether to give us that chance - not wether we stay married. The process would be to see what went wrong and why, what do we both want, and the outcome could be we stay together or either of could decide no that's it. I feel And want to give myself the chance to explore things.

The affair is definetly over (I'm not saying that means he could never be unfaithful but this OW is over.). We are dealing with OW harassing him and me together, he agrees I have the right to check any phone / email / device when ever I want.

Actually sod it, I'm not going to continue to justify my current thinking!

I just wanted to know if anyone had any positive outcomes or useful info for me. Thank you jones, what you say connects with my thinking.

I guess it's a risk I feel at the moment I am willing to take. it's going to be a hard, brace journey for both of us. I have to forgive him, find some level of trust, sort out my own issues - I haven't had sex with him for 8 years as I have some funny block in my head about it all, I have turned myself into being his mother - much of it for my own gain. He has to learn to be a kinder person, take part in family life, sort his head out regarding his dysfunctional childhood, learn who he is and what he wants rather than surround himself by strong people and go along with it silently unhappy.

Maybe it's possible, maybe it's not but I feel what we had and could have is worth the work.

I would start by making sure he organises the counselling. It sounds like there are other issues with the marriage but that doesn't change the fact that he cheated. It's early days, I don't think you need to feel you are making an irrevocable decision.

Yes it can be done. Eleven years here and it is a much more grown up relationship than the one we had before. More equal and more respectful, fun, exciting and more in love. It was hard in the beginning but he was completely open with everything. I had already told him to move out when I found out about the affair so took a couple of months to be on my own to see how I really felt. We started dating again and found each other and the "magic". When I was ready he moved back in.

Inshock you seem to be very self aware regarding your relationship. No reason why you cannot both find yourselves as a couple again. It can work and be even better if you both want it too.