Question - how long was it for you?

[TooSaasy]

Post separation/ divorce to start dating again??

I'm 2 months into a divorce (no going back). Two DC's. Was with STBXH for 10 years. I discovered STBXH has been up to all sorts of no good (multiple infidelities the works). I work in a pretty stressful job and when I'm not working, I'm rushing home to be with the DC's.

People are starting to find out gradually and everyone's response is generally

1. I'm so sorry, if there's anything you need let us know (how lucky am I???) Followed swiftly by a combo of one of the below
2. you're gorgeous you'll be snapped up/ There are lots of lovely people out there, don't let this knock you, make sure you don't let this effect your next relationship.

I cannot even think about starting another relationship. Or even having a mild flirtation/ hook up. Seriously. The thought of being naked with someone new fills me with utter horror!!!!!

If I respond along those lines, then I am inevitably greeted with 'we'll see'.

So I was curious. What have other mnetters experienced as they moved on?

I met someone three months into divorce. I wasn't looking at all.
But ten months on it's fantastic, we have long term plans and I am ridiculously happy in my mid fifties.

I'm three months out of a marriage and I can't imagine ever wanting to live with someone again, even if I fell in love. I'm enjoying being on my own with the kids. I don't know whether when the kids grow up and leave, I would be lonely, but I don't feel lonely now.

But people always think couple-dom is the norm. And social things are set up for couples. But I like my life as it is right now.

Well I think you've got to go with what you want and are feeling yourself. The trouble with doing it before you are ready is that you can hurt yourself or others as esp online dating can leave you quite vulnerable if you don't have a thick skin. I went online within 2 months of being left by stbxh. The guy I went for a date with was nice and wanted to see me again and I could see it could have gone somewhere but I put a stop to it as I just wasn't in the right place for that. I have had a couple of short relationships in the 2 years since, both who I met online but am having a break from it at the moment as want to get the divorce out the way and I found I did not have the emotional energy to be developing a new relationship plus work plus dealing with 2 primary aged children, but could just be that the last boyf was too needy for me and if the right one came along may be more up for it. So not an answer, sorry OP, just a bit of my experience

I'm 6 months out, I have had a few hook ups mainly due to our marriage being sexless for the past 2 years, I found it boosted my confidence as dh made me feel so worthless ( told me no one would want me ). The thought of being in a serious relationship is pretty scary though I have met someone who I enjoy talking too and we are meeting up today, I am really nervous about putting myself in a vunrable position, falling in love and being tied to one person. In the past 6 months I have slowly got used to being independent and spending a lot of time on my own.

I have the comments from people, I get ' oh I'm sure you will find someone' and my family still think I'm going to get back with dh ( not a chance ).

I love being on my own and as I have older teens, am not "needed" as much .
For the first time in 30 years I feel in control of my life, and can make my own decisions.
I'm having fun which I haven't had for years. Interestingly ex is desperate to find someone... But hasn't.. Oh the irony.

I know people mean well but it irks me that people think that nabbing another man is the priority for my future.

It isn't.

4 years and counting for me. It's the thought of being naked with someone new that stops me. I seem have developed crippling subconsciousness for the first time in my life (late 40s)

no one has said to me about getting a man. Maybe they think I'm past it

Thanks all for your replies

Lol @ savage.

Blow, it's horrendous isn't it??? I look ok for my age (about to be 40) but suddenly all I can think about is thighs that aren't as slim. A belly that isn't flat and boobs that have seen WAY better days! I now finally understand why women get boob jobs. Which I am ashamed to admit to

It also doesn't help that I consistently see men my age hooking up with women so much younger than them. A work colleague in the process of divorcing has started dating a woman 18 years younger than him!!! She is absolutely stunning. But seriously?

That's why I can't even think about getting back out there.......

TooSaasy I've tried to talk some sense into myself by reminding myself that anyone I'm likely to attract will be the other side of 50 and not exactly a picture of physical perfection themselves so I shouldn't worry so much. It hasn't helped.
I did have a man who was pursuing me pretty hard about a year ago but he wasn't right for me. I'm happy on my own with the dc really.

It does make me sad that we get so hung up on our bodies, the then and now. Most men are delighted to be near a naked women, and they have their own hang ups anyway.

I had a look into online dating 4 months after ending my 15 year relationship. (The last 5 years had been sexless, in separate rooms). I thought I'd have a look around, maybe find someone to go to the theatre and cinema with. I went on my first date two months later with a man a bit older than me. I agree, a lot of men in the 40-50 age range think they want a woman in her 30's.

I'm still dating my first date some six months on. I've 4DCs (all breastfed) a bit overweight, mid-40s. If he wants to go and shag some 30-something pert breasted woman, as XH did, then best of luck to him. But he's quite happy with what he's got because he is sincere, honest, and lovely. I didn't mean to did a relationship, I didn't think that was what I wanted, but it seems I am in one and very, very happy. Fat arse and all.

I went on some OLD sites 1 month after separating from my stbxh who I was with for 13 years

I actually think it was for distraction, validation and sex so not entirely for the best reasons.

One thing that was always missing for me from our marriage was chemistry (on my side), so I guess I was looking for this - I really missed this feeling when with my ex.

I'm now (3.5 months post-separation) in the early stages of a relationship with the first man I met from OLD There's LOTS of chemistry lol, and at the moment I'm just taking it easy and seeing where things go.

I guess I'm on the rebound, but I'm pretty realistic about things and figure that if it feels good, why not?

I am 2 weeks divorced, 2 years since my husband left us. I am still recovering, I still have a long way to go. I have a very lovely FWB situation and have done for over a year, with a much younger man. I feel safe and there are no expectations on either side, he lives alone and a long way from me so it's a nice "escape". That is about as much as I can cope with. I have had a few dates but really have no inclination to take things any further and panic a little if I am honest. I can't imagine living with somebody again or introducing anybody to my children. Ex only sees youngest child (who is only four) and OW has caused enough damage to him as it is. It would have to be somebody very very special for me to introduce the children.

I do understand the fear of revealing your body to new person, especially when you've only been with one person for so many years (15 in my case). It wasn't actually as awful as I thought it was going to be and my FWB always makes me feel amazing. It took a long time for me to totally relax though. It's really tough starting again in your mid-forties especially when your confidence has been so badly knocked. It was made worse for me that my husband left for somebody much older than both of us who looks like his mum . Quite hard to come to terms with! I think it's good to give yourself time to recover, good to spend some time alone but I guess we all hope to find somebody special to settle with eventually.

Good luck OP

After leaving my marriage, it was about 18 months and then I was only interested in hookups. Body confidence was not an issue for me at all, although I was about a size 22 then. I was just so angry at my ex and that spilled out into antipathy to all men.

I was then in a LTR for 4 years (with a guy I met as a hookup) and that ended about 2.5yrs ago, since when I've been happily single. I tried going on a date after about 4 months but I just wasn't into it. I'm starting to feel now like I might be interested in dating again soon but I also feel my life is pretty full and I resent having to carve out time that dating requires.

I'm not sure I ever will be. Five months from separation ad I can't imagine I'll ever trust again. I've had major reconstructive work on my abdomen, plus keyhole surgery and two c-sections - how can I get naked? I also have mental health problems, two small children, no money and am the wrong side of forty. Glam eh!?

You think you will never feel like yourself ever again,inside youre all battered and down on yourself- youve trotted along for 10 years with a man who has seen you give birth,be hungover,be sick,have manky hair and gross illness yet he too shared the dreams and aspirations you have your wishes for the future the settee youd buy if you win the lottery the conservatory you lust after even down to the supermarket shop you buy the coffee he likes and when you look in your wardrobe half of your stuff was bought because he said he liked you in something similar ...its what we do as humans in relationships.
however for all the women who are now single and find themselves kind of lost and with a different identity-theres men out there who feel the same.
I was in a long relationship for almost 20 years id been with the same man since i was 17 (he was 17 years older than me) hed kind of moulded me into the person he thought i should be the person that suited him.
I thought id never know how to be me,i certainly never thought id live a contented life .......but i have,i had a short relationship with a very unsuitable man and a couple of dates but now im with the most fantastic man ive ever met-im 41 and i can honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to me,im slowly discovering who i am and becoming the person i chooose to be i dress how i like i do what i like ...my new man loves it and its really been like a whole new life.
just take it day by day but be open minded you dont have to do anything you dont want but try different stuff and find time to be you and enjoy it x

50feetandfalling.....im recovering from a serious bout of ill health i have mh issues ive had 3 c sections and had such a lot of legal stuff going on ...but the right man came along and we just clicked.

Firstly I'm full of admiration for those of you who have gotten back out there and thank you for sharing your stories. It makes me feel like there is a smidgen of hope for me. Dippydeedoo, what a lovely lovely journey you've shared. You've absolutely nailed how I feel in your opening sentence.

Right now I know it is all too raw and I don't even have the energy for a rebound. It wasn't this hard when I was younger!

Theformidablemrsc and others.

Is OLD the only way forward nowadays?
Cannot. Be. Arsed.

toosaasy.....i absolutely love my new life ....ive been abroad,go dancing,cinema,theatre,balls,charity events .....ive been the ballet lots of stuff i simply thpught wasnt my life previously...i spent nearly 20 years with the same man and we rarely went anywhere.

but if youd have seen me when we split it was terrible i was so low its hard to admit but my close friend actually forced me to shower and sort myself out even coming to my house at 9am so i wouldnt just go back to bed...its not then end of your story its the end of your exes part in your story

When I separated I thought I would never touch a man again. However after 4 months I met a man and the excitement and feelings were overwhelming. My marriage had been over for several years beforehand though so I didn't move on as quickly as it sounds.

A year later I had another relationship and that was a disaster, very possessive and controlling.

Three years on I have given up! In a way I have found it harder to be in a relationship as time goes on. I find a lot of men are very full on and with small children I have found it difficult to juggle everything,

I would say, have some fun but nothing serious and give yourself some space to be on your own. I have found that to be important.

Dippydeedoo that was put very well indeed. You have shared your whole life with one man, for a very long time! But, there are 64 Million people in the UK, so please remind yourself that there will be thousands (if not more) of men out there, that would be just perfect for you.

I was my my 1st H for 22 years. After lots of cheating on his part, I left. He was my first boyfriend and he was the father of my kids. As soon as I was in my new home, I gave OLD a try. It gave me something to do when the kids were at my Ex H house. My pals were all married, so there wasn't a great social scene for me to join in with. So I knew I wouldn't meet a guy in a bar!

There are lots of time wasters on OLD, but they quickly reveal themselves as such, as they don't want to meet up (I think they're married and looking to flirt). But, there are lovely men on OLD too. After just 2 months, I met my DH. We have now been together for 7 years. I wouldn't swap him with my Ex for a million quid. So, there you go.

If you can't be bothered to do the OLD thing now, just wait until you ARE ready. Once you are, give it a go. You will have fun and will most likely meet a lovely guy. He is out there right now. You just have to find each other. Can't hurt to look, right? Plenty of Fish was the best site IMO.

Good luck! :-)

A couple of flings.

Then 2 years after divorce felt ready for OLD and am now dating someone.

It's been nearly 2 years since my split. Am still very single. Am still very happily so.
However, when my youngest hits their teens and is off being independent I am very aware I'm likely to be quite lonely so maybe I will want to start dating again then. But at the moment I am very happy devoting my time to my children, my career and my sofa.