I'm really mentally and physically broken I can't do it !

[Gladiator16]

I hope someone out there has magical powers and can help me to pull myself together
I was in a DV marriage and prosecuted my husband with the help of the police ,
14 months ago
I have a beautiful son who really hasn't not a clue how unhappy and how much I despised his father
With the help of a fantastic man I gained courage to leave and this person really is a beautiful kind and the best . I love him so much that my heart is broken and I'm ill .
I have been to court 9 times with my husband and literally he has made my life hell financially I am broke and wake up daily thinking how I'm going to pay all the money back that I owe.
I think everyone wants resolution so they can stop hearing me go on .
My lovely friend , well I have ruined it , I'm so fragile . His got 3 children and once I was on the scene his ex wife has done everything possible to stop his kids seeing him . His an amazing dad and with my added pressure he has said he isn't happy supporting me mentally anyone . He wants to try and repair all of the damage he thinks he has caused his children . The youngest is 12 and hasn't seen him for 3 months , last night was the first time and to be honest he was heartbroken .
I understand why but I'm so gutted that I've ruined it .
Don't get me wrong we haven't even argued it's just my constant demands of omg what do I need to do . I've had nightmares a stage where I stuttered with speech , talked in my sleep , fell asleep constantly and tied uncontrollably .
Who would want this !!!
I'm at court again at the end of the month for my do and financial hearing both are final stages
I'm representing myself as I have no money and due to my mental state I can't even remember what day it is .
To make matters worse I'm self employed and have to work .
I currently work like a dog and hand it to the credit cards
I'm currently supporting a failed root canal and have suffered mastitus .
So you can imagine I look like crap.
How can I get through this
If I didn't have my beautiful son I know I most definitely would have goodbye to the world as I hate my life and can't see an escapee route.
My solicitor can't represent me as I can't cover the costs so the pressure remains all on my shoulders to get the just to get a settlement to start again.
Cafcass and the contact centre have been amazing and my ds has had the best care possible . Ds likes seeing his dad and I have always attended on time and convinced him that it's ok daddy loves him.
I wish he was the same about me but he isn't.
Therefore Cafcass know he is a risk despite counselling and a perpetrators course.
My restraining order expired but despite going to court to get it extended the court wouldn't agree as he hadn't actually hit me again !
I represented myself and was eaten alive by a barrister who specialises in DV as he was the one I first saw when they found my husband guilty .
Why do I always feel bullied I wish I could say I was tough !!!
I hate him and yet stupid as it sounds I challenged him and I'm processing a divorce and he is still trying to control me
He won't agree to value of house I sold it because he said I couldn't buy him out .
Now the legal bills wouldn't allow me to do that
I've made late payments to every card and my credit rating is shot .
I get maintenance but it just about covers half the mortgage so basically I live in a castle on the hill with an empty fridge and I'm scared of the dark !!
Writing this makes me sob and I hope someone out there does have magical powers to try and give me the courage to be a great mom again
Thank you for reading and I apologise for the negativity .

Unfortunately, there is no magic wand.

I think you should make an appointment with your GP and talk to them about what's going on. Request a referral for counseling. I think you'd benefit by seeing a counselor and learning the coping strategies you need to get through this trying time. And to learn to depend on yourself, rather than others. Your friend must put his children first, I'm sure you understand that. I know it's hard, but you must learn to take care of yourself.

Have you enquired as to whether or not you qualify for legal aid?

Oh my goodness, that all sounds so very tough. I don't know how the legal system works at all so can't help there, but as the poster above says - are you entitled to legal aid ? I don't think it sounds feasible to represent yourself in court at this time, as you don't need any more bullying, which I guess is what their job is.

If you go to the debt thread on 'Money Matters' - the poster 'Talk in Peace' is totally excellent in advising about credit card debt and debts generally, and will be able to work out a plan for your finances so that at least you feel more in control of them.

Keep strong for your son and all best wishes to you.

This sounds grim Op. I could be wrong but I thought legal aid was available where there has been domestic violence. I would ring woman's aid.

Legal aid is available for divorce where there has been domestic violence, Matrix but only for those whose income and savings/assets are below the thresholds stipulated by the community legal service fund.

Could it be that your solicitor can no longer represent you because they don't undertake legal aid work, OP?

If you were over the threshold when you embarked on this trial by ordeal that is your divorce it may be that you're under now - run your finances through this MoJ calculator for lawyers www.civil-eligibility-calculator.justice.gov.uk/ to ascertain whether you may be eligible for help with your legal costs.

No matter how bad it seems or how awful you feel, you CAN and you WILL get through this simply by virtue of the fact that All Things Must Pass and the horrendous time you're currently undergoing will pass too.

While you're waiting for the brighter future that's just below the horizon line, be kind to yourself and know that there'll be no shortage of hands to hold yours here.

Acrossthepond55
Thank you all for responding . I did make an appointment with the doctor and she suggested counselling which I used pathways and women's aid .
Both are volunteers and didn't have the legal advice I needed so the worry never subsided it just became more upsetting.
The therapy I have tried is tapping and the focus therapy when your having a panic attack. This works sometimes but usually I get so bad it pulls me to ground level before I recover.
My Ds hasn't witnessed this though.
Legal aid isn't available as I'm asset rich and receive maintenance all be it after 9 months of refusal and my fear of going to cma.
I went through women's aid who did the assessment and confirmed this.
My solicitor can represent me as I can not afford to pay her she doesn't do legal aid
I know it has to end and I keep trying to draw strength from that but I'm becoming ill all the time and it's so hard to keep asking for food and money off people you love.
I have approx 11.00 to last me this week !
Although I have huge house
I also have not mentioned
My husband bought three rental properties and put them in his own name using money from our matrimonial home to fund them.
I have never received any of the income and all three are rented out
So I look wealthy and I'm not.
The courts have agreed the rental properties will have to be included in the pot of money
So I have I believe 8 days of hell left
I'm trying to prepare statements and submit them to the court too !
Thanks you again everyone for your kindness