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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So pissed off with my mum's lack of support iin anything I do

23 replies

MsRamone · 09/10/2015 18:07

I had a job interview this morning. I called her afterwards and she said I probably wouldn't get it as there was loads of applicants

I did get it.

So I called her and told her the good news. Her reply was:

"oh, well to be honest do you not think it's a bit unfair on all the other applicants?"

I said "how??"

So she said "well, last time we spoke about it you were unsure if you even wanted it or not. That job could have gone to someone who really wanted it".

I did "really" want it!! I was just nervous about giving up my current job!! but that's so like her, to piss on my parade, to be more worried about everyone else and to make it obvious that she was hoping I'd fail.

Only rationale for it is that my younger sister is struggling to find work at the moment so is relying on agency work. But I went to university for 4 years, I worked voluntarily, I did all sorts to get where i am and we're both her daughters so why wish one would fail??? I don't get it.

OP posts:

DarkRosaleen · 09/10/2015 18:39

Good on you, Ramone, for getting the job. I'll celebrate with you!

pocketsaviour · 09/10/2015 20:30

Well done on the job!

My mum has been like this for many years. She just likes pissing on my happiness. I cut contact with her a few months ago and I feel so much better for it. I'm not saying NC is necessarily the only solution for you, but you could try detaching emotionally for her and just don't tell her anything important about your life. Just keep it very shallow and superficial.

springydaffs · 10/10/2015 01:12

My mum is like this. Not as bad, mind. I've given up trying to work out exactly why she does it - any number of reasons. She is afraid of everything - success, failure, you name it...

Is she kind or loving in other ways?

Congratulations on your job!

magiccatlitter · 10/10/2015 07:27

Congrats on the new job!!

My mum was like that for years. She finally stopped when I would respond with "Why would you say something like that to me?" or "I can't believe you would say something like that to me."

When I pushed how ugly her words were she finally stopped not because it was wrong but because she didn't like being confronted every time.

BoboChic · 10/10/2015 07:32

Some parents find their DCs' independence and success incredibly threatening. This is of course not what we expect - we all want our parents to support us - and it can take time to work out parents' perverse motives.

RickJames · 10/10/2015 07:47

Congratulations Ramone! I'm sorry but your mum is so negative I actually laughed at your post. My advice is to try to act like the pp that confronted her mum every time she said something barmy. I have done the same and it is exhausting but we are at a point where my mum says less outrageous things or maybe I'm just not reacting to them and often finding them funny. Also like another poster said, a lot of this sort of thing comes from their own feelings about themselves and has nothing to do with you. For instance, my mum is obsessed with being 'shown up' and is convinced others are thinking about her every move. When she starts on at me for something its really only about her - breathe and smile. You sound like you have a lot of great things in your life.

wheelycote · 10/10/2015 08:00

A Big Congratulations!!!

Easier said than done but dont take it personally x x parents can project their own anxieties, issues with themselves on to their children however old everyone is. Trust me. What she's saying is unlikely directed at you but it sounds like she's caught up in her own head and projecting whatever's going on in it. It doesn't make it right.....but next time she's talking listen with the mind set that she's talking about her own anxieties...maybe she's in awe of you, at how well you've done and feels a bit insecure if she hasn't achieved the same and worries for your sister....if she hasn't achieved the same too. I'm summasing a lot their and could be completely off the mark. It's brilliant you got the job!!!! Do something special to celebrate and Mark the occasion...if your mum's not capable at moment of jumping up and down for you....then you to make sure, you big yourself up :)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2015 08:57

Congratulations to you on your new job.

Your mother is never happy unless she can be unhappy. She is not and likely never has been an emotionally healthy parent to you either.

What made you call her at all?.

I would now further raise your own too low boundaries with regards to her and tell her what she needs to know; nothing. She has never been in awe of you; more like jealous of any success and wants to undermine all your efforts. Does she favour your sibling too?. Is she really wanting you to remain dependent on her?. That is telling if that is the case.

Its not you, its her.

CactusAnnie · 10/10/2015 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/10/2015 09:14

Well done ...

Can I suggest that people like this dont hear what they are saying. So change your answers. Repeat back what she says.
I dont think youll get it ... YOU dont think Ill get it?
This puts the ball in her court .. she will hear what she said ... wait for an answer ... she will squirm ... try it

Original poster

MsRamone · 10/10/2015 09:14

Thanks guys :-) I just can't imagine acting this way with my kids - my son telling me he'd just landed his dream job and my first thought being sympathy for the unsuccessful applicants??? absolutely crazy.

But yeah she's always been like it. I don't know why I'm surprised really.

OP posts:

Floppy5885 · 10/10/2015 09:18

Either stop telling her stuff or instantly challenge her each time with 'it's a bit odd to piss on your daughters parade, why do you always do this?'

Hobbes8 · 10/10/2015 09:28

My mum is like this. It's draining, but I'm used to it. I just have to get my support from other sources. She picked big fights with me both times I bought a house. I recently redecorated and I could see her struggling with what to say, as she can't say anything nice ever.

It's sad for her really. Her life must be pretty joyless.

Congratulations on your job!

Littledafty · 10/10/2015 09:28

I could have written your post OP.
Weirdly I had exactly the same thing yesterday, had an interview for a job I didn't expect to get and got offered the job.
I was on such a high, phoned my mum who just went 'oh right, I'm in a rush to get to the shops'
Got off the phone feeling really deflated.
I love my mum dearly and she's generally great but things like this always confuse me.
A few years ago I finally lost my baby weight and she never mentioned it, ever. Even when people said wow dafty you look great she acted like she hadn't heard.
I have no idea and it really baffles me. I've just started not telling her stuff that matters to me because it's like I've got a balloon and she's got a big pin which she always sticks in it!
Congratulations on getting your new job and good luck with your new venture!

Branleuse · 10/10/2015 09:33

thanks for pissing on my fire AGAIN mum

OxfordCommoner · 10/10/2015 09:42

My mum can be like this with me. When I proudly showed her our new bathroom she said 'what's the point, you won't keep it clean'. I don't live in a midden but she is obsessed with cleaning to an almost ocd level.

I've learned not to expect high praise from her.

Ememem84 · 10/10/2015 09:53

My mum does this.

I was going through a tough time at work last year so decided to take control. I found another job. Quit old job. Started new one. No congratulations. No well dones. Just " I don't think you should have resigned. You've made a mistake. What if the new job doesn't work out etc etc etc"

So much negativity.

It's like she needs to worry about what I'm doing and can't handle that I'm happy.

ouryve · 10/10/2015 10:15

Well done!

You need to either stop sharing with your mum or be prepared to challenge her each and every time she's negative or rude.

Imbroglio · 10/10/2015 10:30

My mum was a bit like this.

Sometimes people find it hard to see their children going out into the big wide world and don't quite keep up with how the relationship needs to change. They can also end up projecting all sorts of stuff of their own.

I agree with others that you need to gently but firmly challenge her response.

If that doesn't work, remember you don't need to share your hope and fears or your news with her.

pocketsaviour · 10/10/2015 10:42

The trouble is with challenging or confronting my mum, even in the most calm but assertive way possible, was that she would either burst into tears and start sobbing "I'm a terrible mother!" (yes, yes you are) or if face to face would actually raise her hands to protect her head and say "You're so aggressive! Don't be so angry with me!" If I persisted in challenging she would say "You're so like your father!" He was a child molester. Thanks, mum

(Needless to say I had never in 42 years raised a hand to her or even said "god I want to slap you" or similar. I've never even told her to fuck off and I can't remember ever calling her a bitch, even when I was a teenager.)

Original poster

MsRamone · 10/10/2015 11:08

My mum also over reacts if I challenge her but that's part of the control isn't it - projecting this egg shell scenario where people dare not rock the boat in fear of Her over-reaction.

OP posts:

Imbroglio · 10/10/2015 11:13

Pocket I'm so sorry.

Sometimes people just need to have the bleedin' obvious pointed out to them.

Sometimes there are darker reasons for people being unable to cope.

pocketsaviour · 10/10/2015 12:01

Yes MsRamone, exactly. And as the child in the relationship you feel horribly guilty and "I've made my mum cry, I must be an awful person".

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