Hand holding please - I've asked him to leave

[Bloodywellhowmuch]

Bit of background

DH had an affair that I found out about 8 months ago, we have been trying to repair our 24 year marriage since then. He has become a bit distant and has changed over last year (lots of weight loss and lifestyle changes). We have 3 kids, only 2 live at home other in uni.

Anyway on Wednesday night we were talking about how he does not tell me he loves me, if I look nice, if I have done anything he likes and only talks to me about his hobby and work, we hardly go out as a pair and I'd asked for that to happen repeatedly over the last few months in an attempt to fix the mess we were in. He asked if I wanted him to move out in an attempt to give us both space to work it out and I said no but did he want to move out? He took a long time to answer and said no, but I suspected that he does and didn't know how to say it. So last night I asked him again and confronted him with the I think you do but you are still trying to be nice.

We talked for hours about it and agreed that he would move out and this morning he made an appointment at the back to discuss a mortgage on buying a small property to move into. I think that is kinda quick and I'm sat here mulling it over and trying to be a grown up and think fairly. He says there is no one else and that he doesn't want a single life but he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and that I deserve a chance to find someone who will love me the way I deserve (all cop out crap I know).

What do I need to do now? I never thought I would be in this situation, he says that he doesn't want any equity from the house unless I sell up to move in with someone else, and if he moved in with someone else he still wouldn't ask for any.

What else should I be doing?

I can't offer too much advice as I haven't had such a lengthy relationship myself but it does seem, despite what he is saying, that leaving is exactly what he wants. It is so hard to regain trust after an affair and you have given it a good shot (8 months is much longer than a lot of others!). Maybe you should let him go ahead with his housing arrangements and take some time to fully focus on yourself, get to know yourself again outside of this marriage. However it pans out I hope you're ultimately happy with or without him

Stay calm. Assume he wants out. Assume there may be a reason or that.

Treat him and the situation as though he is cheating a) then you can get your head into protective gear, b) you can use all the advice here about collecting financial info etc.

But do take a deep breath and accept right now he has already left and is starting to rebuild his life. You must do the same.

Good luck.

Speak to a solicitor for yourself as soon as possible. If he's prepared to give up all the equity in the house, and there's a lot, that's a really good deal, but you need to make sure it couldn't rebound at a later date. Can you afford to pay the mortgage alone? Did he mention maintenance for the DC at home?

Emotionally I think you need to accept that it is over, because it sounds like he wants out. Don't let him mess you about, proceed as if what's he's said is gospel.

So sorry. Sounds like he's been thinking about doing this for a long time hence his distant behaviour and doing nothing to help save your marriage. Start making plans for your own life.

Thank you for all the advice, we have just told the kids (2 of them anyway) and I can't stop crying.

The bank have said they will finance a small property in the area we live in for him and he has to put an offer in before they will agree to it.

I'm trying to be strong but I feel like I am falling apart, I'm a disappointment to myself for begging him to stay.

leave him go.
and be prepared for the appearance of an OW. you may have been lied to.

I am really really sorry OP, but imho men do not leave unless there is someone to leave for.. They rarely leave to spend time on their own. (I hope yours is the exception, I really do for all,your sakes) but please, I think you have to assume that there is an OW, may not be the same one as before but probably is. I think he is riddled with guilt and wanted to leave but couldn't, he needed you to chuck him out so that he didn't look like the bad guy. The biggest clues are the house equity thing. 'You can have it all' is said by someone who has shat on someone they care about from a great hight (you) and they need to assuage their guilt.

After another bottle of wine and a long talk, he insists that there is no one else. The initial OW is married and I don't think she would trade what she has for what he can offer (financially)but could be wrong.

He has been offered a mortgage with the bank and that is not dependant on selling the family home or cashing in on any equity or me buying him out and he insists that as I will be unable to raise a mortgage on my own (I'm a mature student) that he will not ask me to or pressure me to at all.

He has written out a list of to do's and on it is stuff like separate bank accounts, maintainance for kids, school fees, extras and vet bills for the dogs, he has said why he is leaving things like my weight, my lack of being house proud (as much as he is - I do clean but life's to short to worry about dirty windows) I Hoover, dust, wash, iron, cook etc.

I've asked him to make a quick decision on moving as I can't bear him hurting me with the leaving and offering me cuddles when I'm sad and crying.

I'm totally guttered and distraught.

So... he is not really being nice at all, is he? Oh, he is sorting out all the finances, so he can make a hasty exit, but look at what he is doing to you as a person - you fat, slovenly, unlovable woman, you!

Tell him to get the fuck out now and to take his nasty name calling with him. He should be ashamed to speak to the mother of his children like that.

Use his childish spite to strengthen your own resolve. He has made his position very clear, hear him and hasten his exit.

And big e-hugs, to be used liberally, on demand

Best of luck.

Really, it's one thing that your husband has decided to walk away from your marriage but to blame it on YOU?! Oh God no. Your weight, housekeeping etc has NOTHING to do with this man choosing to leave. This one's on him hon. I'm angry on your behalf that he's turned this around on you. Don't buy into his bull$h!t. You're worth more than that. It sounds as though this has been on his mind for a while and with the to-do lists etc..well, he was way too prepared for my liking. Like he had a plan in place or a semblence of one anyway. Trust me, if he had it in his head already there was nothing you could do to stop him and I think it was extremely cruel of him to twist the knife by insinuating that perhaps if you were a different weight or more 'house proud' then he might be behaving differently. Very unfair of him. I'm truly sorry you're having to deal with this, I know how painful it is. I wish you strength hon. Hugs to you and your babies.

Thanks everyone for your support it is very much appreciated, in his defence (not that he needs it but you know what I mean) he has said its his decision to leave and that it is him that has changed and not me. I had asked him what I could do to try to change his mind and that is when he said that he has asked me for years to loose some weight (I'm a size 16) and be more house proud (he bangs on about it) and that since April (2 months after finding out about his affair and on anti d's) I have had my head in a book and done nothing - I've maintained the house but not scrubbed it- he has been working away from home so I have had everything to do.

After a sleep and thinking about it over night I am angry with him for using my depression as a reason to say he was leaving as he has had depression on and off for years (about 15 years) and I've had to be careful around him so as not to trigger it heavier and I've not complained, he was very over weight until 2 years ago and until the last couple of months before he started to lose weight I didn't say anything to him, I reassured him that I loved him, that I found him sexy and attractive etc, I have continued to reassure him over his weight loss that it didn't matter to me what he looked like either large or slim. And I feel very angry that he is not being the same towards me.

I feel like I am drip feeding but I'm all over the place and not really thinking straight.