I make all the effort but DH thinks everything is fine.

[sparechangepocket]

I literally make all the emotional effort in our marriage. He gets so completely absorbed in work issues plus thinking about and doing his hobby that he is constantly distracted and frankly dull. He comes home moaning about something at work and I have to jolly him up or he would be moping all night. It seems like his mind is never in the here and now and his thoughts are always somewhere else. When I told him this he said I shouldn't put pressure in him and I just made him feel bad. He thinks we just have to have sex and he has reconnected us. What am I supposed to do? I love him so much but am starting to feel like I need more. We have been together 13 years and have 2 dc. How do I get him to put aside his thoughts and focus a bit more on me?

Do you think he is always emotionally detached?

Yes, he is a bit although better when he's had a lot to drink so I wonder if he is suppressing them. We don't drink that much very often any more so I rarely get to see that side of him.

He must have been more emotional and giving at one time, otherwise you wouldn't have got married, right? Can you think when this withdrawal started - was it gradual, maybe coinciding with the kids being born/getting older, or was it more sudden, maybe around something to do with work? He seems to find work very stressful - is he looking for anything else?

If you think it will help, I'd suggest slowly 'ramping down' your emotional effort. I tried confronting and it did absolutely no good. My DH had fallen into the habit of moaning about his every petty grievance, but to be fair, I abetted it by 'poor babying' and pushing down my own moans to soothe his. I started by not dropping everything to devote my attention to him, but keeping on what I was doing whilst listening, thence to 'hmming' and 'tut-tutting' with a bit of disinterest to finally just saying 'Too bad, what are you going to do about that?'. Obvs, this was only if his moaning was petty, real issues were listened to appropriately. Eventually he pretty much stopped moaning about the petty shite.

I think it was more with my DH that he thought his moans were more important rather than being detached emotionally. If I needed a moan he was pretty good unless he needed a moan at the same time, then mine became unimportant compared to his.