My EA husband can go to hell! What little things signal a 'mood' is brewing in your house?

[hooversdoovers]

Well we all have the silent little cues that tell us we've done something that they disapprove of. In my case it's just a little look that no-one else could possibly notice (sure he's the perfect gentleman in public), a change in his stance - he slightly hunches his shoulders and then the cold shoulder. All completely imperceptible to anyone else but of course I know and that's all that counts right?

I have come to the point where I realise I need to change how I react to my EA husband. We have been together for almost 18 years and although I have known for some time that I am in an EA relationship I have up to now been unable to find a way to deal with his behaviours. Like many women in my position we conform to avoid the 'mood'. I have somehow managed to detach myself lately and currently couldn't give a flying fuck care less about his reactions to whatever it is i'm supposed to have done to upset him this week. I'm at the stage now where i'm wondering "what's the worst that could happen?". Why am I pandering to him? I am waiting to see if he'll spontaneously combust or something because i'm now sitting here looking at myself trying to figure out why I alter my behaviour to suit him when there is absolutely nothing wrong with anything i'm doing. Perhaps i'm having a lightbulb moment.

Thanks to anyone bored enough to read my ramblings!

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is still keeping you with this individual?. You must be getting something out of this so what is it?.

As you have learnt, you cannot change him but you can change how you react to him. You and he should not be together any longer. And why does he do this to you; its partly because he can as well.

There is NO way for you to actually deal with his behaviours. Perhaps you should indeed wonder why you are perhaps still pandering to him by still being there as his emotional punchbag?.

Eighteen years is a long time (shared history and all that) but you cannot let the "sunken costs" fallacy keep you within this at all. Have you yourself ever considered divorcing this person?.

I have come to the point where I realise I need to change how I react to my EA husband.

If your reaction includes seeing a solicitor, I'm all for it.

Why are you sticking with this tiresome, sulky fecker?

Agree, agree, agree. You are all absolutely right. Why do I stay? There's never truly 1 reason is there? We had our first child early in our relationship and we were very young. We went on to have 2 more. Perhaps I have some issues regarding being seen as a failure? Really if I hadn't gotten pregnant the first time I truly would not have stayed with him. I've been dealing with the same shit for a very long time.

Our lives are also complicated as finances have always been tight. We have a business together so until very recently it would have been extremely difficult to cut ties personally but also professionally. He has recently gone back to work for another firm and I am running our business by myself. Maybe this shift has enabled me to see a possibility of my life without him in it. It's also very difficult when everyone sees him as Mr Nice Guy. How does one explain EA behaviour? Trying to describe his behaviour to someone else can look like i'm nit-picking. I'm a truly easy-going person an probably a bit of a push-over. I tend to 'take one for the team'. When he decides he's ready to play nice again then what's the point in me continuing the rift? I try not to let our problems spill out into the public arena as that's too much drama for me. However if anyone does notice that i'm maybe a bit down and asks what's up then how do you describe that your husband has the hump because you spoke to someone when he wasn't there and you know his mood is because he thinks there's more going on than just talking? Of course he never says anything but I know why. Jesus this is tiresome.

Yes I do intend to divorce him and look forward to that time. I do however have to consider everyone's needs and not just my own. My eldest is doing exams this year and plans to start university next year so my priority is that he gets through this year and has a happy future.

TBH there is no time like the present. There is never a good time to leave and there will be always some occasion to keep putting off the inevitable. You're using a child taking exams with a view to going to university as a reason to stay now, its simply not a good enough reason is it?. Once that has happened there may well be some other reason why you cannot yet divorce him quite yet.

You cannot keep taking one for the team; that attitude has really got you nowhere. You've shown your children that your feelings do not matter a jot.

What do you think your children have and are learning about relationships here from the two of you?. Have you ever considered that thorny question as well?.

Your children likely wonder why you and he are at all still together; they likely know and have heard far more than you perhaps care to realise.

Don't underestimate how awful it would be for you to wait all this time, then initiate a split when your do are away at uni.

Happened to a couple of mates of mine. They most certainly did not think 'good old mum, took one for the team, waited till I was away before she LTB'

It was more ' what an idiot, made us suffer with that knob treating her with contempt for years, only splits up now'

Worse, it certainly seems on here, and IRL that the adult children feel little sympathy for the one who stayed, only sorrow mixed with contempt that they didn't get out sooner, because they were suffering too, even if it didn't look like it.

How does one explain EA behaviour? Trying to describe his behaviour to someone else can look like i'm nit-picking.

"My husband's a twat" should cover it nicely.

It worked for me in pretty much every situation where people said "hey why are you splitting up?"

I would reflect on the need for approval or for other people to understand why. My ex, also Mr Nice Guy, subtly undermined me for years. In truth, only a tiny group of my closest friends believed and supported me. Many people, including my family, did not believe or support me. But eventually I realised that this is my life and not an election. You seem very clear. That is everything you need to move forward.

Well we all have the silent little cues that tell us we've done something that they disapprove of

No we don't. There are none in this house. If one of us does something daft we call it and talk about it. And then resolve it. No EA here.

After I dumped my EA ex, it's funny how many people confessed they'd never really liked him. We're not just talking general post-breakup support ('I never liked him, you can do better' etc), but very specific incidents and comments that they really hadn't liked. Two separate neighbours came to tell me how pleased they were I'd dumped him. He might not be as universally perceived as Mr nice guy as you think!

DoreenLethal: you know that's a bit of a lightbulb moment for me! I have been on MN many times re DH who can be very EA.

After 20 years of feeling worn out by trying not to confront him as "I don't like arguments", I have been working on my subservient attitude & actually answering him back, standing up to him. Sounds drastic but actually all I'm doing is telling him how his behaviour makes me feel which sometimes does cause a row, but often gets a "yes I am being a bit of a dick". Equally, by talking to him it can often result in a "you are overreacting and here's why..." which makes me realise that I am actually fretting too much over something.

Still some work to be done as it got so bad 10 months ago, that I saw a solicitor, to find out what my rights would be if I LTB. Now that I'm not so worried about that aspect, I find I can work harder on confronting him, knowing that I'll be ok if I do decide to leave. DH doesn't know that I went that far, but it's kind of the ace up my sleeve. It's made me mentally stronger, iyswim?

That's not to say that LTB isn't an option for OP, as we MNers will not always know everything about OPs situation, but might be food for thought? LTB has often been MN advice to me, but I'm still working to try to avoid it if I can.

I've come out of the 'crying myself to sleep after half a bottle of wine when he is away' to a stronger 'well what's the worst that can happen if I don't speak up' phase.

Don't know if that helps OP but might be something to act on?

"LTB has often been MN advice to me, but I'm still working to try to avoid it if I can".

May I ask why that is?. A combination perhaps of fear, embarrassment or shame on your part, a fear of "failure"?. Your children?.

And what is he doing whilst you are trying to avoid leaving him?. He is still using you as his emotional punchbag whilst you are still trying to speak up. He can still tie you up in knots.

Twenty years is a long time as well. You do realise that he has likely been emotionally abusive throughout as well, he has certainly upped the power and control antes over time.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Thanks for all the feedback. It's good to hear from someone with children similar ages and know you all came out the other side so to speak.

DorreenLethal: yes of course I know 'normal' relationships don't have this element of bullshit. I was referring to anyone in an EA relationship. I know I'm not alone in dealing with this crap but of course it's not something you speak about publicly. I was just reaching out I suppose for some reassurance that I'm not the only one that has this stuff going on in their marriage.

I am in I doubt that our marriage has to and will end. I suppose I'm putting my exit strategy in place. No-one's life is ever so black and white is it? We have a busy household and to be honest while his moods irritate me I refuse to allow them to dominate the household. If he chooses to be sulky with me and to disengage well it's not as if I sit about wringing my hands about it. Ultimately he's the one who misses out as guess what, life continues on around him. I'm not saying that this stuff is undetectable to the children but being in an EA relationship and being subservient are not the same thing! They see me go out to work every day, they come to me whenever they need anything and they know I'm the one in the house who can get things done. I of course know that if I wasn't married to such a knob then I could achieve all of this with some help and a better balance in life. I know that truly me and my children will be happier without him and that day will come. I appreciate the support and the straight talking from you all.

Hoover all that matters is that it affects you. everyone else might not see what you see but they aren't the ones having to live this way. People will judge you either way. Start making your plans, and take back your happiness. After 18years you deserve it.