Snappy, irritable husband

[ARV1981]

Background...

My DH and I have been together for nearly six years, married for just over two years, and we're friends for around 15 years before we got together. We are still very much in love.

However, we recently had a beautiful baby boy (3 weeks ago) and already dh is getting irritable with the baby.

The baby doesn't sleep much at nights. I think this is normal for a baby, right? (I'm not concerned about the baby's development at all).

Last night ds was crying for feeding (but he finds it difficult - especially when he's worked himself up into a frenzy which happens sometimes). I was trying to remain calm as I've noticed that when I get stressed, the crying gets worse. But dh shouted "shut the fuck up" at one point - to a new born baby!

It was the middle of the night. And dh is having a shit time at work at the moment, but I really want to address this issue before it gets out of hand. How should I do this?

I won't leave him, he's a great husband and I know has the makings of a good father (he cuddles him after work, changes nappies, talks to him - even reads to him even though ds can't understand about books etc). I just want to get us working better as a family...

You need to sit him down and explain that his reaction was unacceptable. He is the adult and the baby is...well, a baby! He's immature basically and not much of a man to react in the way he did. And I'd tell him straight. Don't beat about the bush or try and sweeten things with positives. He behaved like a demented twat and he needs to man up.
Great role model isn't he?

You need to make him understand that you reap what you sow. Does he want his DS telling him to shut the fuck up in years to come?

You're very kind to provide excuses for your husband's behaviour, but you do need to point out that actually, it is stressful enough being a mother for the first time and trying to get a difficult baby to feed without him making things worse by shouting nastily as if it was all about him. Sometimes you have to put your own stress on the back burner.

Then discuss how you are going to make things less stressful for both of you, e.g. by having him sleep certain nights on the settee with earplugs in so that he does not disturb you and his son in this selfish way.

Are you able to sleep in another room with the baby?

Obviously your husband's reaction is not good for 3 weeks in only - but no one is perfect. In the middle of the night after 3 months of very little sleep I remember throwing a pillow at the wall - not my finest moment and very immature, but yes, it's hard.

It sounds like your DH is calm at other times, but yes, he needs to rein his temper in.

Funny you say that ravenmum - he did sleep on the setee two nights ago - it was the best night ds has ever had...

I didn't tell dh this though as I am worried it will hurt his feelings, but I might bring it up and suggest he sleeps on the setee more often. It was his idea in the first place and because he fell asleep at his desk (he doesn't share an office, but even so, it's not acceptable to fall asleep at work).

Hurting his feelings? How? By volunteering to be the one to get woken up all the time so that he can get a better night's sleep? Offering to sleep alone to give your partner less stress? He would do well to thank you and appreciate how caring you are being towards him, putting his need for sleep before your own even when he is acting like a dick and not thinking about how his actions affect you and his son at all.

No, he's not generally an arse.

He is generally a great guy.

I think your H's behaviour while not acceptable does happen. When my kids were little, there were moments when I turned into a crazy lunatic - someone I totally did not recognise. Sleep deprivation and emotional exhaustion happen when you are raising kids. Try to act as a team. Discuss strategies with your H how to deal with the moments he's stressed. It's a fact, that a crying baby raises the blood pressure of everyone around it. My H once shouted at our then three year-old when he repeatedly called out one night. Sometimes we're not the best parents we can be. And we just have to keep trying.

I love this comic's (Louis CK) take on parenthood:

It sounds like sleep deprivation.

If you're H is having a crap time at work - and a lot of do, with a shitty economy, then he may be stressed.

My H was good with babies. He was able to sort out in the mid of night. But he did need to catch up on sleep on Sat PM. Thats how he coped.

Talk to your husband about how he is feeling and ask him to sleep on the sofa so he gets a decent nights sleep.

How he behaved isn't acceptable, make sure he does understand that. Also that sleep deprivation does make you loopy and that a baby crying is designed to get to you (I still can't bear it)

I ended up having my babies in a different room because every little noise woke me up and I got deranged incredibly quickly.

We've just had a chat about it.

He agrees that him getting stressed is counterproductive and says if he has any more hellish days at work or feels over-tired again he will sleep on the sofa.

He apologised to me, and to the baby.

I think we're back on track... thanks for all the advice

That's good news. Can I suggest he takes the baby for a few hours each weekend and for part of each evening to give you a break? Being the sole carer 24/7 is very tough and he might enjoy the time together.